Paved With Good Intentions
by 4JACE
Summary: If you loved someone, how much would you be willing to sacrifice? Bella makes the most difficult decision of her life; now she has to live with the consequences. A Bella/Edward story.
1. Carnival

Paved With Good Intentions

by 4JACE

Rating: T

Genre: Romance/Angst

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Stephanie Meyer; I'm merely expressing my admiration for her work.

Summary: If you loved someone, how much would you be willing to sacrifice?

A/N: This story takes place just prior to the opening of _Breaking Dawn._

****Bella****

"I'm not sure about this." Tilting my head back to what seemed an impossibly steep angle, I stared uncertainly at the Ferris wheel towering above me.

The crooked smile that I loved so much flashed briefly across his face. "Ferris wheel accidents are rare, but I'm sure you could find a way to accomplish it."

"Ha, ha," I replied, giving him a not so subtle jab with my elbow. I might as well have pushed against a brick wall.

He sighed. "I'm disappointed, Bella. Do you really think I would let anything happen to you?"

"No," I muttered sourly.

He lifted one perfect brow. "Then what's the problem?"

I wasn't about to tell him that the sheer height of the ride intimidated me. Wasn't I the girl who had once jumped off a cliff? Realizing quickly that my thoughts were headed in a direction I definitely didn't want them to go, I countered his question with one of my own. "Why does it matter so much to you?"

"Who says it matters to me?" he replied, a suspiciously innocent look on his face.

I shook my head, laughing. "Edward, it's all you've talked about since we found out the carnival was coming to town, and you haven't taken your eyes off it since we walked through the gate."

"I resent that accusation," he protested, his voice wounded. "How could I be looking at the Ferris wheel when my beautiful fiancée is standing right beside me?"

As usual, his choice of words made me wince. It was ridiculous to call me beautiful in a world where the Cullens existed, and as for _fiancée_… "If you're trying to convince me to ride that thing, there are certain topics you might want to avoid."

His lips flattened into a harsh line, and he looked away.

I was instantly ashamed of myself. He had been so excited about the carnival, and we'd been having a good time before I reminded him once again that I was less than thrilled about our upcoming wedding. "Sorry," I mumbled.

He took a deep breath before turning back to face me. "It doesn't matter."

It _did_ matter, but this wasn't the time or place. Tugging gently on the hand that was holding mine, I started walking toward the line for the Ferris wheel. "Come on, then."

He followed slowly, his eyes still a bit troubled as he said, "We don't have to do this."

"Yes we do," I replied firmly, letting the cool strength of his hand push away my fears. "We're going to do this, and you're going to tell me why it matters so much." The line started to move, and I walked forward determinedly, knowing all along that he could have stopped me if he really wanted to. He didn't; Edward was even better than I was at playing normal.

We reached the front of the line and made our way to our seats as directed by the attendant. The Ferris wheel started with a jolt and stopped every few moments as more seats were filled. We rose into the night sky, a gentle summer breeze blowing through my hair and clearing my mind of the tension left far below on the ground. Edward put his arm around me, and I tucked myself against the marble perfection of his chest. The ride stopped again, leaving us at the very top of the circle with the lights of the town glowing softly around us.

"Bella?" Edward whispered. His long, white hand cupped my cheek and gently turned me to face him. Eyes sparkling, he murmured, "This is why it matters." Then his lips were on mine, pressing tenderly. It was a romantic kiss, the kind an old-fashioned gentleman would give the love of his life. Although I would have sworn it wasn't possible, I fell just a little bit more in love with him in that moment.

The ride passed in a blur of soft touches and gentle sighs. By the time we reached the ground, I had to cling to Edward's arm to keep from sliding into a puddle at his feet. Chuckling, he tightened his grip on me. "No fainting. It's time for the next thing on my list, and I want you awake so that I can impress you."

He did that without even trying. Wait a minute. "What do you mean, the next thing on your list?" I asked nervously.

Grinning, he pulled me into a run. "Come on."

Of course my feet got tangled up when we reached the pretzel cart and again when we passed the mini-rollercoaster, but he kept me from falling. Laughing, I tried in vain to pull him to a stop. "Edward! Where are we going?"

"Right…here." He gestured with his free hand as he turned to look at me, his eyes filled with excitement. "What do you think?"

I stared at the carny game in front of us. "Um…balloons and darts?"

That grin of his really _was_ wicked. "Exactly."

I gave him a considering look, trying to decide if I should argue about the money he was surely about to spend on me. Then another thought struck me. "Is it fair for you to play this game? Wouldn't that be cheating?"

He scowled. "And you think the callers never cheat?"

I shrugged; he had a point.

He pulled me to the counter, money already in hand. "Start picking out your prize." I looked at the first row of small trinkets, only to hear him sigh. "A little faith would be nice, Bella." He nodded his head toward the row of grand prizes.

Five minutes later, we were strolling through the dusty rows of booths, my arms wrapped around a giant stuffed lion. Edward smiled down at me. "Are you sure you don't want me to carry it?"

I shook my head, absurdly pleased with my prize. "No, thank you. This," I buried my face in the lion's fur, "is this softest, cuddliest, _sweetest_ gift I've ever been given." I pulled back to rub the lion's nose with my own.

Edward mumbled something I didn't catch.

I managed to tear my gaze away from the adorable lion in front of me and focus on the sculpted lion instead. "I'm sorry; did you say something?"

He growled. "I can't believe I'm jealous of a stuffed animal."

My delighted laughter pealed into the night. When I finally regained control of myself, I gasped, "So what's next?"

"I thought we could try the carousel…"

Edward's voice faded into the background as a sign over one of the tents caught my attention. I stared at the faded letters, pale purple on midnight black, as a shiver worked its way across my soul. The fear was quick, unreasonable. Every instinct screamed for me to run, even as a quiet voice deep inside my heart whispered that I had to stay.

"Bella? What's wrong?" I could hear Edward's voice now, but it sounded wrong, as if it had traveled a very long distance. He was shaking me. "Bella!"

I shook my head, startled. "Nothing. I…nothing." I pointed at the sign. "I know you have a list, but could we go there?"

"Madame Fontaine's Fortunes?" His voice was filled with amused derision as he read. "You might not have noticed, but we have a perfectly good fortune teller at home."

"Not right now we don't," I countered, thinking with a great deal of trepidation about the Paris shopping trip that Alice, Rosalie, and Esme were currently enjoying. Why did I have a feeling that wedding shops were part of the itinerary? Pushing the thought away, I concentrated on the sloped awning in front of me. I didn't understand why, but somehow I knew that it was imperative that I enter that tent. "Think of it as an experiment. We'll see what she has to say, and then Alice can prove it all wrong later." Looking up at him, I forced a teasing smile. "Maybe she'll see a tall, dark, and handsome man in my future."

He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me close. "She'd be mostly right." The slightest hint of sorrow crept into his eyes before he blinked it away. "Shall we?" With the perfect manners that were as much a part of him as his inner darkness, he escorted me across the path.

We entered the tent and were greeted with a quiet, "Good evening." As my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, a diminutive figure came to stand before us. "I'm so glad you've chosen to visit me." Her voice was a smoky alto, perfect for her chosen profession and yet edged with a steely practicality that made it easy to trust her. "It is my honor to read your future."

Edward snorted, too quietly for human ears to hear. The only reason I knew that he did it was because I recognized the sarcastic twist of his lips. "Be nice," I whispered.

The woman studied first my face, then Edward's. Finally her eyes returned to me. "Forgive me, but I only see one client at a time."

Edward's stance grew protective. "That's not an option," he said brusquely.

Again I was overcome with the feeling, the absolute certainty, that this was something I _had_ to do. Slipping away from his arm, I said, "It's fine, Edward." By some miracle of effort, my voice was steady.

His worried gaze swept my face. "Bella."

"I'll be fine. Here," I said, handing him the stuffed lion. "Take Eddie and wait for me outside, please?"

He stared at me, horrified. "Eddie? You are _not_ naming him Eddie."

"Go outside, and I'll think about it." I grinned at him, hoping he would take the bait.

For whatever reason, it worked. With a threatening glare in the woman's direction, he stalked out of the tent.

Her husky laughter washed over me. "My goodness, he certainly is protective of you, isn't he?" Seeing my irritation, she continued, "Please don't be offended; I think it's sweet." Holding out her hand to me, she said, "I'm Fontaine."

I shook her hand. "Bella Swan."

She smiled. "Welcome, Bella. Why don't we have a seat?"

I followed her across the room, taking the opportunity to look at her as she led the way. She wasn't at all what I thought a carnival fortune teller would look like. Besides the rather obvious tent and dramatic name, the only concession she seemed to make was that she was dressed completely in black. Even that didn't quite fit the preconceived mold; her slim pants and expensive looking turtleneck could have come from an Ann Taylor catalog. Short, smooth black hair framed an intense, logical face and intelligent blue eyes. The overall package only reinforced my instinctive reaction that she was the real thing.

We sat down at a small table, and she leaned her cheek against her hand as she studied me. Finally she sighed. "If I were telling your future, I would say that a very big decision lies ahead of you. It will not be easy, and you will have to hope that love guides you, and those around you, every step of the way. But I'm not going to tell you your future."

"You're not?" I asked, even as I knew that what she was about to say was the real reason that I had stepped inside her tent.

"No," she answered in her no-nonsense voice. "I'm not. Instead, I'm offering you something that I rarely give to anyone, because it's much costlier."

"I don't have much money," I replied nervously.

"That's not what I meant, although I think you will find my fee quite reasonable." She mentioned a price that was steep but manageable, if I dipped into my savings. She looked at me for another long moment before continuing. "Bella, what would you say if I told you that I could grant you a wish?"

Almost before my mind had processed her words, I found myself replying. "Any wish?"

She smiled faintly and a little bit sadly. "No. Granting a wish is a very difficult thing, you understand. There are laws at work, universal facts and truths that can only be stretched so far. The wish I can grant you will have plenty of power, but it will not be absolute. You will have to make some choices, and it will not be without…"

"…cost," I finished for her.

She nodded. "Yes."

She didn't say anything after that, and so we sat across from each other, thinking about facts and truths. What kinds of wishes were important enough that they would challenge the laws of the universe? I could only think of one, and I shied away from it in sorrow, in longing…in pain.

Abruptly I stood to my feet. "I have to go. Thank you for your offer, but I don't think it's the right thing for me, for us."

"Of course," she replied smoothly. "If you change your mind, I'll be here until the carnival is over."

I nodded, although I had no intention of returning. "Thank you," I said again. I left the tent, almost running in my haste, only to find Edward standing right at the entrance, his hand raised to push the flap aside. He took my arm and pulled me from the room, his face a mixture of worry and anger. "You heard," I said quietly.

"Yes." His voice was grim, unyielding. "Absurd, of course."

I nodded. "You're right. It was a stupid idea."

His anguished eyes searched mine, trying as he always did to read the mystery of my thoughts. "What would you wish for?" he asked.

"Nothing," I replied firmly, trying to convince us both. "Why would I wish for anything, when I already have the only thing in the universe worth wishing for?" I reached up to press my lips against his, and he couldn't help but soften ever so slightly in response.

"Bella…"

I took his hand in mine and smiled determinedly. "Let's get back to your list, Edward. You promised me adventures, you know." When he remained unconvinced, I continued, "I'm sure Eddie would be glad to ride the carousel with me."

After a long moment, he chuckled and handed me the lion. "Eddie needs to learn his place. _We_ will ride the carousel together, and he can watch from the rail." We walked away, his arm looped around my shoulders and an uneasy truce between us.


	2. Impossibility

Disclaimer: As I misspelled her name in the first chapter, I am obviously not Stephenie Meyer

I wasn't surprised to find Charlie waiting up for me when I returned home. Edward looked at the light shining through the front windows, an amused smile flitting across his lips. Pressing a gentle kiss to my hair, he murmured, "Don't be long." The next moment found me standing alone on my front porch.

Sighing, I walked into the house. "Hi, Dad. You're up pretty late, aren't you?"

The look he gave me was pure Charlie Swan: one part sheepish and two parts pure stubborn. I really do take after my dad. "There was a game on TV. Plus, I wanted to make sure you got home all right." He eyed the stuffed lion. "Apparently you had a good time."

"Yeah, Dad. We had a great time." I wasn't about to discuss the less enjoyable parts of the evening with him. "I'm going to bed; I'm pretty tired." Lately I seemed to spend so much of my time shutting him out, slipping away even as he tried to hold me close. I hated it, but it came with the territory. Feeling a sudden burst of remorse, I slipped my arm around his shoulder and gave him a quick hug before making my way upstairs.

Edward was sitting in the rocking chair when I walked into my room. We were settled into our routine by this point; he waited patiently while I showered and got ready for bed. As always, when I returned to my room he wrapped blankets around me like I was a child. There wasn't an easy answer to the temperature difference between us. He started to lie down beside me, but I shook my head and pointed at his shirt. "Off." I blushed as I said it, but tonight's events had left me feeling reckless.

His eyes were laughing. "Demanding, are we?" Elegant hands reached up and undid the top button of his shirt.

I could have sworn the temperature in the room went up at least a degree. There was a thought. If I could get enough clothes off of Edward, maybe I wouldn't need any blankets at all. "We've been practicing, Edward."

"I realize that, Bella." The laughter had made its way to his voice now. Skilled fingers slowly loosened the second and third buttons.

The sight of his pale white flesh stole my breath, but I refused to be distracted. "And last night, we practiced until we were able to get that shirt all the way off."

"Technically, it wasn't _this_ shirt. I have been known to do laundry, you realize." His hands stopped at the fourth button.

I had reached my limit. Sitting up, I pulled my arms free from my blanket cocoon and finished unbuttoning the shirt myself. "I don't care which shirt it is, and I really don't know why we're discussing laundry at this particular moment in time. All I know is that from now on, when you climb into my bed, you will _not_ be wearing a shirt!" As I finished speaking, I slid the offending article from his shoulders, my hands glorying in the cold, hard strength of his body. I ran my fingers over his chest, stopping only when I reached the line of darker hair that led to his navel. I wasn't breathing at all now, and neither was he.

His eyes, dark with hunger and need, met mine. "As the lady wishes," he whispered, and the word resonated through me, making me flinch.

_Wish._ Echoing as his arms imprisoned me and his hands stroked my back through my thin T-shirt. _Wish._ Echoing as my hands slipped upward to helplessly rest against the tethered strength of his shoulders. _Wish._ Echoing as he bent his silken head to mine and ran his lips along the trembling pulse in my neck. Echoing, haunting, accusing, until I closed my mind in defiance and fell back on my bed, my all too willing accomplice following me eagerly.

His control was in short supply tonight, his eyes as they met mine tinged with the same defiance I felt in my own soul. We were so tired. It was exhausting, always trying to be good, always following the rules, waiting for the universe to give us a chance. All we wanted to do was be in love. We had already sacrificed so much, suffered so much. Why couldn't this one thing be easy? Why did we have to make choices, and why were the things we wanted not necessarily what was best for us?

…_What would you say if I told you that I could grant you a wish…_

Angrily I pushed the thought away, closing my eyes as I arched my body beneath his. His lips were tracing my collarbone, and his hands stroked me in a way that made my covering of blankets feel like the thinnest barrier of silk. I ran my fingers through his hair and down the corded muscles of his back. We flew past every stage we had reached with our previous, tentative "practices", and we were racing toward something I couldn't even fathom. "Edward," I whispered.

He moaned and pressed me further into the bed. His hands were on my shoulders, my arms, the gentle slope of my waist. His lips trailed upward from my collarbone, to the soft indentation above it, to the tender skin of my neck. I whimpered, and the softest graze of razor sharp teeth burned a path that could only end in blood.

In an instant he was across the room, fingers digging into the windowsill until I was surprised the wood didn't crumble to dust in his hands. He faced away from me, every muscle straining as he denied himself what was his instinctual right. "Bella," he murmured, his voice rough with longing. "Forgive me."

I pulled myself up on the bed, wrapping my arms tightly around my knees and willing my heart rate to slow. "There's nothing to forgive," I whispered.

He groaned, the most heartbreaking sound I had ever heard him make. "How can you say that? Do you know…" his voice trailed off as he stared out the window. When he spoke again, I could barely hear him. "I haven't been this close in a long time." His voice broke as he bowed his head. "Please forgive me."

I closed my eyes, unable to bear the anguish I saw in his trembling frame. "Only if you'll forgive me," I replied softly. When he made a noise of protest, I continued, "There were two of us in this bed, Edward."

"There still are," he replied, and I felt the mattress give slightly as he returned to sit on the very edge. When I opened my eyes, I gasped at the passion and bitter sorrow I saw on his face. "Do you know what I would give to be with you? To love you as a human man, instead of this monster who only pretends to be what he is not?"

"You're _not_ a monster," I said fiercely. "I love you."

"And I love you." His voice was tortured. "That's why I can't bear to hurt you."

"You won't," I replied. "Edward, you know you need to hunt. You only held off because you wanted to go to the carnival with me tonight, and we should have had enough sense to keep things under control. We didn't, and that was a mistake, but it's okay now."

"It will _never_ be okay," he growled.

I reached out slowly, giving him the chance to pull away. He didn't move, and finally my hand rested gently on top of his. "Go hunt. Jasper and Emmett are waiting for you; they won't mind getting an early start. I'll be here when you get back." I could feel his hesitation; I pressed my hand gently against his. "Go."

Finally he moved, bringing my fingers to his lips for a gentle kiss before resting his cheek against the back of my hand. We sat like this for what seemed an eternity, the only sound the rise and fall of my breathing. His eyes held mine, and the burning depth of love I saw there wrote his name on my soul.

Then he was gone.

I couldn't sleep. I stayed in the same position I'd been in when he left, staring into the night sky as I thought a thousand unimaginable thoughts.


	3. Possibility

Edward did not return by morning; Emmett had planned to travel away from Forks in search of more challenging game. I drove to the carnival, keeping my mind clear by sheer force of will. If I gave myself even a moment to think about what I was doing, I wouldn't be able to go through with it. Oblivious to the activity around me, I made my way through the carnival grounds to Madame Fontaine's tent. Almost as if I were sleepwalking, I pushed the tent flap aside and walked in.

"Bella." Her smoky voice greeted me from across the room. "How nice to see you again."

I studied her as I took a seat at the table. Not very long ago I would have laughed at the insanity of my thoughts, at the ease with which I accepted this woman for what she was. My experiences of the past two years had taught me that the world was not what it appeared to be. "I don't want to be here."

Her eyes were genuinely sympathetic. "I know." Placing her hands on mine, she said, "You've come for your wish."

Panic caused my heart to race, but I ignored it. "I have some questions first."

"Of course."

Taking a deep breath, I tried to organize my thoughts. "The man I was with last night, Edward."

She nodded. "You're fiancé."

_Why_ was everyone determined to use that word? Gritting my teeth, I continued. "Do you know…do you know what he is?"

"He's a vampire." An eternity of knowledge and compassion filled her voice.

Unable to meet her gaze, I looked down at our joined hands. "Can you make him human?"

Her response was immediate. "Yes."

It scared me so much that I stopped breathing. Pulling my hands away from hers, I finally gasped in enough air to ask, "Can you change all of them? His whole family?"

"No," she replied gently. "You remember what I said about things that can only be stretched so far?"

I nodded. "So you can only change a few?"

"One," she countered firmly. "Just one, Bella."

My hands clenched into fists. "Only one," I whispered. A sudden, terrible thought occurred to me. "_When_ would you make him human? Would it be back then…when he died?" He could survive the influenza and live out the rest of his life. Would the past century never have happened, as far as Edward was concerned? We would never meet, never fall in love, never share a single kiss. And as for me…a picture of Tyler Crowley's van skidding toward me over an icy parking lot flashed through my mind. Was this the cost that Fontaine mentioned?

She shook her head. "No. There are too many threads intertwined for that to be possible. He would become human now, as soon as you make your wish."

For a brief moment, I allowed myself to hope. What it would be like, for Edward to be human with me now? It would mean giving up so much, but if it gave him the one thing he wanted most, wasn't it worth it?

"Bella," she said sharply. "You need to focus, because this is important. I can make Edward human, but at a cost. There's always a cost."

She had my attention. "Go on," I said nervously.

Her blue eyes held mine intensely. "Edward will be human, but he will have a life somewhere else. He won't remember you, or his family. And you won't remember him."

The pain of it was so sharp that for a moment I almost thought I would faint. It was too much; she asked too much. My mind raced, looking for an exception, any kind of loophole. "What about everything that's happened? He's done so many things; we would have to remember."

She shook her head. "The events of the past century will remain as written, but other memories will take the place of the ones you hold now. Most physical evidence will remain as well; only things that provide absolute proof will be removed." Her eyes were kind. "Bella, I'm not doing this to be cruel. There are rules about this sort of thing; I have to maintain the timeline as closely as I can."

So this was it. I could grant Edward his humanity, his freedom, but I would lose him in the process.

A thousand crazy, impossible thoughts flew through my mind, each more self-serving than the last. If there was only one wish to be granted, was it really best to use it on Edward? Surely one of the other family members would benefit more. _Rosalie_…Rosalie wanted to be human even more than Edward did. The thought was tantalizing, but I shook my head. It wouldn't be fair to Emmett. But was it fair to me, to any of us, to lose Edward? He was the glue that held us all together; he was, whether he believed it or not, the soul of our family. If we didn't know that we'd once had a soul, would we mourn its loss once gone?

The final thought, the only one that really mattered: _What was best for Edward?_

"Will he be happy?" I asked desperately.

"He will be human, with the same chance as anyone else," she replied. "Beyond that, it's up to him."

I took a shuddering breath and met her gaze, whispering, "I don't know if I can do this."

She looked at me for a long moment and then reached across the table, a jade carving resting in her palm. "Your wish is stored in here. I'll teach you how to use it. You can take it home and think about it, but you have to decide before midnight. After that, the wish is no longer mine to grant."

I took the object from her numbly, tracing the pattern with my fingertips. "It's a butterfly."

"The symbol of transformation." She smiled sadly. "Jade is the color for love."

The weight of it in my hand was an accusation. I didn't want to touch it, and so I slid it into the pocket of my jeans as I reached for my money. I paid her, and she told me what I would have to do if I decided to go through with the wish. I didn't thank her; I'm not sure I even said a proper goodbye. I stumbled out of the tent and ran back to my truck, falling once and scraping my hands. Unseeing, I drove too fast through town; it was a miracle that I didn't hit anything. My thoughts were miles away.

When I stopped the truck, I realized that I had driven to Edward's house. I stared out the windshield at this place that had become my second home. If I didn't do anything, if I let events continue as planned, it would become my only home in the near future. If I chose the wish, I wouldn't just be losing Edward. The house was silent; Carlisle was at work, and everyone else was still out of town. I stepped out of the truck and walked up the front steps, reaching for the key on my key ring. Edward had given it to me just weeks ago, and it had been such a precious gift to me. It meant that I belonged with them. I opened the door and walked into the quiet sanctuary of the living room.

I don't know how long I stayed there, in the gentle peace of their home. My fingers traced over every surface of the living room and the elegant, barely used kitchen. They had been so thrilled to have me stay with them, because it meant they could buy real food. Eventually I found the strength to enter Edward's room. I sat in the middle of the elaborate bed he had purchased for us and fought back tears. I looked at his music collection and stared out the window into the woods, wondering what the right decision was. Finally I made my way back downstairs and sat at his piano, running my fingers over the keys. The grief won its battle then, and I bowed my head, weeping for all that I would lose. Hot tears marred the ebony surface of the polished instrument.

Charlie was still gone when I returned home. I went in and started dinner, mechanically assembling ingredients for a meal I barely tasted. When Charlie returned from work I gave him his portion and told him I was going to bed early because I was still tired. He seemed concerned, but something in my face must have told him not to ask. Pulling the hated jade carving out of my pocket, I placed it on the end of my bed. I showered and changed, doing everything I could to put off the hardest decision of my life. Finally I crawled into bed, leaning back against the pillows and staring at the carving as a million memories filled my mind.

_My name is Edward Cullen. I didn't have a chance to introduce myself…_

_You are the most important thing to me now._

_I don't find you scary at all, actually…_

…_you really shouldn't have said that._

_Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?_

_Amazing…Carlisle was right._

_You love me…_

…_truly, I do._

_I promise to love you forever – every single day of forever. Will you marry me?_

As the night darkened, I rose from my bed to put a disc in my CD player. Edward's music swirled around me as I thought about the memories of a lifetime. There was baseball, and laughter, and music. There were parties, and tears, and arguments, and compromises. Should I do this? _Could_ I do this? I thought of a conversation from long ago in a high school cafeteria, a hypothetical scenario that had just become my pressing reality, and I knew what I had to do.

The music stopped at 11:56, but still I sat on the bed, determined to have the last four minutes of my memories. My phone rang; I watched as Alice's name flashed on the screen. I had counted on her distance from me and preoccupation with wedding arrangements to keep the vision from coming too soon. Now she knew, but it was too late to stop me. I silenced the phone, wanting desperately to hear her voice one last time, but knowing I wasn't strong enough. Finally I reached for the jade butterfly, curling my fingers around it until the edges cut into my skin. The clock read 11:59. I brought my hand to my chest, holding it tightly, as tightly as I would have held Edward, if I could. If he had ever been mine to hold. Tears poured down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and whispered, "I wish…"

**Please take a moment to review. This is my first Twilight story, and I'd like to know how I'm doing. Thanks!**


	4. Desolation

I awoke groggily as sunlight poured through the window of my room and spread its heat across my face. _Sunlight. Edward and I will have to stay hidden today._ For some reason, thinking his name sent a searing pain of anguish and loss through me. I sat up, feeling every muscle in my body wince in protest. What happened yesterday? I felt like I'd gone ten rounds with a prize fighter…or a hungry vampire.

As I moved, something slid across the bedspread and fell to the floor. Leaning over the edge of the bed, I stared at the jade carving that lay there. Memories from the previous two days flooded me in brilliant images.

_The carnival, a mysterious sign over a tent, and a deep, instinctive fear…_

_A kiss filled with desperation and danger…_

_Longing for something he thought would never be fulfilled… _

_The unyielding sympathy in Fontaine's blue eyes…_

_And me, holding the carving to my chest, speaking the most painful words of my life, weeping for all that I would lose. Darkness had surrounded me then, wind and noise swirling around my room and buffeting my body until I began to grow faint. I welcomed it, because I knew that when I woke, my memories would be gone. The only way I could possibly survive this was if I never remembered him at all. I fell to the bed as the room grew black…_

Yet here I was, and I remembered everything. Every touch, every kiss, every word. I rose from the bed and raced to my CD player, pressing buttons with shaking fingers. Edward's sweet music swelled to fill each crevice of the room and the hidden corners of my abused, tender heart. Light from the window flashed on my left hand, stopping to sparkle at the ring on my third finger. I raised my hand in front of my face, staring in disbelief as I tried to comprehend what this meant. Nothing had changed, and I remembered _everything_. There was only one explanation, and joy filled me until I burst into tears from the beauty of it. It hadn't worked! Fontaine was a fake; the whole thing had been an elaborate scam. I was so thrilled that I didn't even care that I had wasted a significant portion of my savings on a phony jade figurine.

I danced back to my bed, so filled with my love for Edward and his for me that for once I didn't even stumble. I held my left hand to my heart, allowing myself to admit how very precious his ring was to me. I didn't care anymore that I was too young to marry; I'd marry him this morning if he would let me. Grabbing my cell phone, I pressed the button that would speed dial his number. Surely he was back from his hunting trip; he must have stayed home because of the sun.

My thoughts stumbled to a halt as I realized that instead of ringing and the sound of his beloved voice, I was greeted with an automated message telling me that the phone I was trying to reach was not in service. Frowning, I hung up, wondering if my speed dial had been reprogrammed somehow. I dialed the number directly this time, taking care to press the numbers slowly. The same message played, and I felt the first stirrings of unease. Shaking my head to dispel any doubts, I called Alice instead.

She answered on the first ring, her musical soprano soothing my shattered nerves. "Hello?"

"Alice! I'm trying to reach Edward, but his phone's disconnected for some reason. What did you do, forget to pay the bill?" I teased.

There was a long pause. When she spoke again, her voice was cautious. "I'm sorry; who is this?"

That trickle of unease called louder, begging my attention. True, I hadn't said who I was, but my name would have shown up on her phone. Besides, I didn't have to tell her who was calling; this was _Alice_. Trying to control my voice, I said, "It's Bella, silly. Do you know where Edward is?"

Again that unsettling pause. Finally she spoke, definitely suspicious now. "Bella Swan? From school?"

_Oh God._ "Yes," I whispered. I could say no more.

She spoke with the polite formality of a stranger. "It's good to hear from you, Bella. We haven't really seen each other since graduation, have we? I'm out of town with my sister and mother, so I can't speak for too long, but I'll be glad to help you in any way that I can. Who were you asking me about? I don't know anyone named Edward…"

She continued talking, but her words fell on unhearing ears as the phone tumbled from my hands. I slid to the floor, trying desperately to think as grief battered against the fragile edges of my self-control. Alice didn't remember; it must have worked. Edward was human somewhere. I looked at the ring on my finger and listened to the glorious music that continued to fill my room. Fontaine had said that as little would change as was possible. What were her exact words? Only absolute physical proof would have to be altered. Absolute…what kinds of things were so concrete that they couldn't be left behind?

_Pictures_. If I could find even one picture of him, it meant he had to exist here, with me. I rose from my crumpled position next to the bed and flew to my desk, throwing items to the floor in my haste to find what I was seeking. Finally my hand closed over it: a packet of pictures from the graduation party at the Cullen's house. Edward and I had had been in several shots.

He wasn't there. The party had still taken place; every decoration was just as I remembered it. I was pictured, as were Alice and the family, along with my friends. I was smiling in a way that should have been impossible without Edward beside me.

I sat in my desk chair, not trusting my legs to continue supporting me. It could only mean one thing. Edward was gone from me, as finally and cruelly as if he'd died. Fontaine's wish had worked, but not perfectly. Why did I remember? _I was supposed to forget!_ Immediately my mind supplied the answer, so heartbreakingly obvious that I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before. How many times had Edward lamented not being able to hear my thoughts? Then in Italy, when the Volturi hadn't been able to hurt me…

It was my mind, my hated, private mind. It had denied Edward, and the Volturi, and now remained immune to whatever magic Fontaine had worked last night. How could I ever have been glad that my mind protected my thoughts, protected me from harm, if it now meant that I was doomed forever to remember a love that had never existed? Because that was what had happened. He was gone, and I would have to remember. Forever.

I bowed my head into my hands and cried.


	5. Desperation

**I want to thank everyone who has reviewed, especially ****tigermoonlight67****. She seems to have appointed herself as my personal cheerleader, for which I am extremely grateful. She has a great story up right now called "Forever a World Away" that's post Breaking Dawn; go check it out!**

**Please do review if you get the chance; I could use the encouragement. I'm getting lots of read notices, but I won't know whether or not you like the story unless you tell me. Thanks!**

An hour later I was in my truck, driving frantically toward the fairgrounds. The remainder of my savings burned a hole in my pocket. Fontaine caused this; it was her responsibility to fix it. I'd pay whatever I had to, but she had to change things back. This wasn't what I'd agreed to, this unending hell of memories.

I screeched to a halt, staring in disbelief at the empty field where just yesterday the carnival had been. Stray leaflets and food wrappers were all that remained of the event that had shattered my life. "No," I murmured. Getting out of the truck, I walked through the gate at an ever increasing pace. "No, no, _no!_" Tears fell from my eyes as I hurried across the field. "You can't leave me like this! I can't live with it!" I reached the place where Madame Fontaine's tent had been and looked around for a clue, anything at all to tell me where she had gone.

"Can I help you, miss?"

Startled, I whirled around to see an old man in shabby clothes and a baseball hat looking at me curiously. He was carrying a large plastic bag and one of those sticks used for picking up trash. "Are you with the carnival?" I asked.

He nodded. "Sure thing, miss. I stay behind to make sure things are taken care of while the crew goes on to the next site."

Hope flooded through me. "Then you can tell me how to get in touch with them! It's very important."

He chuckled sympathetically. "Leave something on a ride, did you? It happens all the time."

It was as good an excuse as any. "Yes," I replied quickly. "My jacket. Only not on one of the rides. In a tent…Madame Fontaine's tent."

His brow scrunched up. "Madame who?"

"Fontaine," I said desperately. "You know, the fortune teller."

He shook his head, puzzled. "Don't know about Fontaine, miss. Our seer's name is Beatrice."

I stared at him, unable to comprehend what he was saying. "No. No…her name was Fontaine. I was in her tent. It was right here!" My voice rose in pitch until I was almost screaming.

He stepped back, obviously startled in the face of my near-hysteria. "I'm telling you, our fortune teller's name is Beatrice."

He wasn't lying. Frantically, I searched for a plausible answer. "Could Fontaine have filled in for her, this one time? Maybe Beatrice got sick or something, and nobody told you?"

He shook his head. "No, it was Bea all right. Saw her myself this morning when they pulled out. Old woman's so fat, it would be hard to miss her. Look, are you okay? Is there anyone you need me to call?"

The last shred of hope abandoned me in that instant, living only the burnt shell of the person I had been. "No, thank you," I whispered. Turning from him, I made my way across the field in a daze. I wasn't looking where I was going, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Tears flowed down my cheeks as despair filled my heart. _Not again. I can't do this again; I'll never survive it. I don't want to survive it._

Too late, I saw the patch of muddy ground outside the fence. I tried to stop, but my foot slipped out from under me. I fell, striking my head against the edge of the rusted gate. My only thought before everything went black was that at least I wouldn't have to be in pain anymore.

~B~E~B~E~B~E~

"Isabella? Can you hear me?" Why wouldn't the annoying voice leave me alone? I was blissfully resting in Edward's arms, and I knew that waking would only mean heartache. I sank into the darkness, trying to return to my dream. The voice just became more insistent. "Open your eyes for me, Isabella." A hand rubbed firmly against my chest. Ouch. That _hurt_. Reluctantly I opened my eyes and glared at the woman who was leaning over me.

"There you are! You had us worried, but it's all right now." As the woman continued speaking, I noticed that she was wearing scrubs.

I groaned. "I'm in the hospital?" Oh course. Where else would I be, on the day that I…on the day that I lost Edward. The pain hit me again, as fresh as it had been the first time. It was all I could do to keep from screaming.

The nurse patted my hand sympathetically. "It's okay, Isabella. You're in the emergency department, Sweetheart. You fell and hit your head, do you remember?"

_Yes, I remember. I remember everything, and I wish to God that I didn't._ The nurse seemed to be waiting for my response, but I didn't trust myself to speak. I looked away from her, nodding slightly.

The next voice I heard almost broke me. "How she's doing?" How could something that melodic cause me so much pain?

"She's awake, Dr. Cullen, and her vitals are stabilizing." The nurse replied.

He came to stand beside me. "That's good to hear. Are you feeling better, Bella?"

I looked at him, startled by the way he said my name. "You know me?" Was there even a chance? _God, please…_

His cool amber eyes searched mine, concerned. "Of course," he said smoothly. "I've treated you several times since you moved to Forks, remember? The first was after the near accident in the school parking lot. There was also that incident with the stairs in Phoenix. You were lucky I was attending a conference at that hotel."

There it was, memories being rewritten in front of me. What little hope I'd had left. "I remember," I said quietly. Then I burst into tears.

He patted my hand, but the familiar cool pressure only made me cry harder. He was the same as he had always been: exquisitely handsome and unfailingly kind. I could remember every moment of our friendship. He was a second father to me and one of the best men I had ever met, but he only knew me as a patient in his hospital. I hadn't just lost Edward; I had lost them all. I was terrified that the next thing I would lose would be my mind.

I heard him ask the nurse if Charlie had been called. "He's on his way; he was fishing up north of town." She wrapped a warm blanket around me. "She's been very upset since she woke up."

"The CT showed no sign of a concussion." He pulled away to look at the chart. "She'll need stitches, of course. Bella, please don't worry. You're safe here; we'll take good care of you." He and the nurse continued to talk quietly, but I didn't pay any attention. I focused on a crack in the floor tiles and let my mind drift. Eventually my tears subsided.

The stitches were almost finished when Charlie arrived. "Bella, are you okay?" Poor Charlie. How much had I put him through over the past two years?

"I'm fine, Dad." I didn't open my eyes to look at him. I didn't want to take the chance that I might see Carlisle's hand holding a needle, or sutures, or any of the other torture devices that had been on the tray the nurse had prepared. A blue sterile drape covered most of my field of vision, anyway.

"She'll be fine, Chief Swan," Carlisle said soothingly. "There's no evidence of concussion, and I'm almost finished with these stitches."

"What happened?" Charlie asked. "They said she was found at the fairgrounds?"

I winced. How was I supposed to explain this? I decided to use the same excuse I had given the carnival worker. "I left my jacket at the carnival, so I drove out this morning to see if anyone had found it. I spoke with one of the workers who was cleaning up, and then I fell walking back to my truck."

"Bells," he chuckled. I'm sure he was shaking his head ruefully. "I can get the number for the carnival off of their permit application; we'll find your jacket."

I knew exactly where my jacket was: hanging in my closet at home. "It doesn't matter," I mumbled.

"All done," Carlisle said a moment later, and the drape was lifted away. "The laceration is right at your hairline, Bella. Once it's healed, it will barely be noticeable. I'd really like you to spend the night here, just in case. You were disoriented when you first regained consciousness."

That was _so_ not going to happen. I protested and eventually earned the right to go home. The nurse cleaned my face and gave me a packet full of strict instructions to follow before finally letting me leave with my dad. He drove home slowly and helped me upstairs, asking if I wanted anything to eat. I shook my head, immediately regretting it as pain pierced through my skull.

"Okay," he said gruffly. "I'll get one of the guys at the station to bring your truck home."

"Thanks," I whispered. He was looking at me with so much concern, and I just couldn't reach out to him. I didn't want to frighten him, but I didn't have anything left to give. "I think I'd like to sleep for awhile."

"You know I have to wake you up every so often to check on you, right?" he asked.

Head injuries were routine for me. "I know."

He leaned down to kiss my hair. "Rest, Bella. Everything's going to be okay."

I didn't have the heart to tell him how wrong he was.


	6. Diligence

**Author's Note: Will you allow me a minute to sound like a Public Service Announcement? I hate to make such a big deal out of this, but as a health professional, I just couldn't stand it if I didn't talk about this. Bella is difficult for me to write, because she and I see the world from very different points of view. I've tried to stay true to her character as I understand it. We know from the beginning how Edward feels about living without Bella, and at the end of Eclipse, Bella makes her feelings on the subject quite clear. Namely, she can't live without him. In this chapter and the next, she will make several references to this. While it makes for lovely romantic fiction, I want to state that I am in no way advocating suicide as an appropriate response to losing someone you love. I believe that life is precious, worth every minute just because you are living. I also think that nothing should ever be allowed to take away enough of your joy that you would consider ending your life. Please don't give up hope, because tomorrow truly might be better than today. Even if you think that nobody cares about you, know that I do…this nameless, faceless author on the Internet cares enough that she would never want you to hurt yourself. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.**

**Okay, the PSA is over; thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Please bear with me (and Bella); things start to look up a bit after the next couple of chapters.**

~B~E~B~E~B~

I'm not sure what made it possible for me to get out of bed the next morning. Was it the little bit of hope that had returned while I slept, convincing me that there might still be a way out of this nightmare I'd created? Fontaine had to be out there somewhere, if I only knew where to look. Maybe it was the fact that I was sure of Edward's love, even if he was no longer mine. After all, _he_ wasn't the one who'd left this time. Perhaps it was the traitorous voice in my head, whispering at a beautifully terrifying possibility that I couldn't let myself think about just yet. It might have been a combination of all of those things, or maybe I was just in shock.

In the end, what decided it was the memory of something Alice had said to me just recently: _Part of being a Cullen is being meticulously responsible._ I was a Cullen at heart and always would be. So that morning, even though I felt like the hollow shell of a girl once named Isabella, I got out of bed, got dressed, and went downstairs to eat breakfast.

The next two days passed in a blur of heartache and denial. I tried to establish a daily routine; I ate, bathed, and slept at regular hours. I couldn't bring myself to read or listen to music, but I would sit on the couch and stare at the television. Nothing really touched me, and I didn't cry. I tried to formulate a plan of action, but none of the myriad ideas whirling in my mind would take shape. It was if the depth of my grief had burned away all of my nerve endings, leaving it impossible to process anything.

Sometimes I would sit and listen to the house, silent except for the ticking of the clock.

I didn't want to fall apart as badly as I had the first time. If I did, somehow I knew I would never make it back, and any chance I might have had to change this miserable reality would be gone. It was different this time, anyway. _I_ had made the choice this time, and so I had to accept the responsibility to keep living. I just didn't know how. I thought of all these things but formed no real plan for how to accomplish them as I sat in the quiet stillness of the house, trying to keep my mind from shattering into a million irreparable pieces.

During dinner on the second night, Charlie said, "I've been thinking about something." He pinned me with a cop's inscrutable stare. "You were wearing your jacket when you came home from the carnival that night."

I lowered my eyes as I lied to him. "Yeah, I found it when I cleaned my room this morning." Did straightening the blankets and picking up a piece of trash count as cleaning?

"Bells…" he sighed. "I'm worried about you. You've got that look, the same one you had last fall when you went through some depression about missing Phoenix, remember?"

I blinked. _That_ was the reason his memories supplied for my breakdown after Edward left? It was so ridiculous, I almost laughed. How could longing for a place, no matter how special, possibly compare to losing the love of your life? "I remember," I said tonelessly.

"Bella," he said, and his voice was so pained that I had to look at him. He was obviously uncomfortable, but he looked at me with eyes filled with concern. "You were so sick last time; I don't want to see that happen again."

I hated seeing him suffer like this. I'd always been a pretty easy going kid when I lived with Renee, except for the occasional emergency room visit. Poor Charlie must have wondered what he'd signed on for. "I'm sorry, Dad."

He shook his head. "You don't have to apologize. I just want to see you get better. I can't go through what we did last time."

"I know." I took a shaky breath. "Neither can I, really. I'm just trying to decide how to work my way out of it."

He seemed pleased that I was at least willing to talk about it. "Well, let me know what I can do to help."

I nodded, thinking of how very much we were alike. "What was it like after Mom and I left?" I held my breath. This was something we'd never discussed, and I knew he wouldn't be comfortable talking about something so private.

He was quiet for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Finally he sighed. "It's no secret that I loved your mom very much; I still do. Then you came along, and you were the best thing that had ever happened to me. I would spend all day at work, thinking about how I couldn't wait to go home just so I could see you smile. Then you were gone, and there was nothing to come home to. I started working a lot; the house was too quiet, you know?"

I knew. With a lump in my throat, I reached out to place my hand on his.

He swallowed and looked down at the table. "Work doesn't cure everything, but it gives you time to figure things out. I also had some good friends who helped. Billy…Harry." Pain crossed his face as he said the second name.

"Yeah," I said softly. There would be no friends to save me this time. I could never ask it of Jacob, even if I could find him. I didn't even want to; it had been hideously unfair of me to ask it of him the first time. Angela would try to help, but how could I tell her that I was grieving for a fiancé she didn't even remember? I would have to do this on my own, go through life as a broken part of a glorious whole.

He looked at me, obviously thinking about something. "Are you upset about Jacob running off? For awhile there, it seemed like you two were heading toward something serious."

"Jacob is part of it," I said carefully. I wanted to look away, but I forced myself to meet his gaze.

He nodded. "I'd wondered if that might be it. I'm sorry, Bells."

"Thanks, Dad. You've really helped." He had; his words had given me something to think about. "I'm going to bed, okay?"

"Okay, Bella. Goodnight," he said.

"Goodnight." I kissed the top of his head and made my way upstairs. As I drifted off to sleep, I wondered how long it would be before I broke down and started screaming. Even the Cullen mantle of responsibility could only carry me so far.

On the third morning I decided that if Charlie said hard work would help, then I would work. I started with my room, stripping the bed and carrying all of my clothes downstairs to the laundry. I vacuumed and dusted, straightening obsessively until every surface was clean. From there I made my way into the bathroom and then the rest of the upstairs. I continued the pattern throughout the house, completing all of my chores and adding on some new tasks I'd never tried before. I gave the windows a thorough cleaning and read the instructions on the bottle before I waxed the downstairs hallway. I was pretty sure the house had never been so clean.

Just like Charlie had said, work gave me time to figure things out. Something about cleaning allowed me to turn off my conscious mind and let my subconscious have the freedom it needed to sort through the tangled web of thoughts in my head. Eventually patterns started to emerge as I tried to reconcile the woman I was with the woman I wanted to be.

My actions during the battle with the newborns had embarrassed me. Edward had planned to fight alongside his family in the clearing, but I had talked him into staying with me. It was wrong, but I was too afraid of losing him to let him risk his life. He'd chosen me over his duty to his family, and all I could do was suffer through waves of shame and guilty relief. Then when Victoria and Riley had found us, I had experienced a terror unlike anything I'd ever known. I'd watched Edward fight, knowing that if he died, it would be my fault. I had kept him by my side…manipulated him into staying with me, and now he would die as a result of my selfishness. I'd also put Seth in danger, and the reality of what my decision had almost cost us was a heavy weight in my heart.

My grief only intensified later, as I said goodbye to Jacob and cried in Edward's arms all night. I had wronged two very good men through my actions. I'd hurt Jacob terribly, and the look on Edward's face as he wondered if I had made the right choice would haunt me for the rest of my days. In the weeks that followed, I became determined to always put Edward's needs first, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness.

Then Fate in the form of Madame Fontaine had laughed at me and dared me to prove it.

My first instinct was to run away, which is exactly what I did. I had fled the carnival, refusing the agonizing miracle she offered. I was convinced that any action that might separate us, even if it granted Edward his much desired humanity, was the wrong decision for us. I might have succeeded in ignoring Fontaine's offer, except for that night in my bedroom when Edward had looked at me, his angel's face twisted in torture and self-hatred. I had known all along that he was too perfect to belong with me forever; the heavens never meant to grant us an eternity. Edward had been given to me as a gift for just a brief moment, so that I could come to care for him enough to do what needed to be done. I was the only one who could love him enough to let him go.

The decision, once made, was acted on quickly. What a brief span of time I needed – less than a full day – to plan a course that would change the direction of so many lives! Perhaps I should have given it more thought, but somehow I knew that if I didn't act when I did, I would never be able to give him up. I promised myself that he would be happier, I convinced myself that I could survive as long as I didn't have to remember, and then I made my wish.

Fate laughed again, a hideous snarl of glee, as my wish was granted…with one modification. One minor detail that might not seem like much, except to the heart it had shattered. I remembered him; I loved him and always would. And as I scrubbed the kitchen floor until the muscles in my arms burned, I acknowledged the truth of what I had told Edward several weeks ago as he was preparing for battle: I could not live without him. I could not survive in a world in which I existed apart from him.

With that truth accepted, the solution seemed obvious, even if devastating to my poor parents. I wondered that I had not already taken measures to end my own life. My drive to act as a responsible Cullen had saved me, at least from that immediate outcome. I could almost hear Carlisle's voice in my head, urging me to think through every detail before acting. Even if I eventually decided to die, which was still very much an option, there were right and wrong ways to do it. So I hesitated, and in that hesitation I found the single reason I might have to continue living.

It was that traitorous voice again, whispering something to me that I had no business thinking. It had been trying to catch my attention for the past three days, arguing its logic until I couldn't avoid it anymore. I didn't want to avoid it, honestly, because it said the only thing I really wanted to hear. _Edward was still alive._ I shouldn't think it, and I definitely shouldn't act upon it, but if Fontaine's magic had worked like she said it would, then Edward was out there somewhere, human and hopefully well. The voice immediately followed up this fact with another, even more intoxicating idea. _I could look for him. _I tried not to let myself think about the reality of this situation. Where would I look? Even if I could find him, would I dare approach him? It was impossible to form any kind of relationship with him, even casual friendship, with so many hidden memories between us. Was it fair to unsettle his life this way?

I couldn't let myself think about that right now. I had to survive long enough to find out if Edward was alive and happy. He _had_ to be happy. Whatever happened to me after that was insignificant. I would concentrate on finding him; I would stay in the moment and not think about the future until I had no other choice.

Frenzied thoughts filled my mind as I finished cleaning the house. The one thing about which I was absolutely certain was that I couldn't stay in Forks. It was too hard being surrounded by memories and knowing that he would never return here. Even worse than the physical mementos were the people, my family and friends who had the wrong memories about everything. How anyone could forget the blazing brilliancy that was Edward Cullen was incomprehensible to me. He was the sun, the air, the brush of spring, the frozen beauty of winter; how was it possible to live and not remember him?

By the time Charlie came home for dinner, I had made my plan. I waited until halfway through the meal to broach the subject; he would be more agreeable with food in his stomach. I winced as yet another memory rose to the surface of my tortured mind.

"_I've noticed that people – men in particular – are crabbier when they're hungry."_

_He chuckled. "You are observant, aren't you?"_

_I didn't answer; I just listened to the sound of his laugh, committing it to memory._

Shaking my head, I forced myself to concentrate on the subject at hand. All of those moments were gone and would never return to me again; I had to focus on the present if I wanted to stay sane. "Dad, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday."

He looked up from his plate cautiously. "And?"

_Here goes nothing._ "What would you say if I told you that I don't want to go to college this year?"

To his credit, he didn't lose his temper or start yelling, even though I could tell he wasn't thrilled at the idea. He took another bite of his food before speaking. "Any particular reason why?"

I had thought all of my arguments through carefully, looking for any loopholes. "I didn't get to apply to the schools I really wanted because I missed the deadline. You know, when I was…sick." He nodded, and I continued on, grateful to skip over that part as fast as I could. "I was thinking that I could work for a year, make sure to take care of myself, and then apply again for the next cycle."

"Dartmouth isn't good enough for you?" he asked.

I flushed. _More like I'm not good enough for it, not without Edward tutoring me and paying off the administration._ "I don't think I'd fit in there; I only applied because of the late deadline. Besides, I can't really afford it," I said.

He nodded, considering. "Well, you don't want to go to a school you won't like, and you should be completely healthy before you take on such a big challenge. Don't know where you're going to work, though. Katie's already taken your place at Newton's."

This was the hard part. "I don't want to stay in Forks, Dad." His anguished eyes flew up to meet mine, but I rushed ahead before he could speak. I had decided to use his suggestion from the previous night. "Remember what you said yesterday, about me missing Phoenix? I think that's part of what's been going on. I've enjoyed being here with you…very much…but I really want to move back to Phoenix."

I could tell he didn't like this part at all. "Renee's not even there anymore," he protested. "Where would you live?"

"I'll get a place," I replied. "Isn't that what college kids do anyway, move away from home?"

He shook his head. "I'd feel better if you were close to one of us. If you're missing the sun, you could move to Jacksonville."

I couldn't live near either of my parents; they would notice too much. This way if I fell apart, they wouldn't be there to see it. "I want to live in Phoenix," I repeated. I held his gaze firmly, refusing to back down. This was it; he would either agree or disagree. I was of legal age. I didn't need his permission, but this would probably be one of his last memories of me. I didn't want it to end badly.

He thought for a bit longer; it was unbelievably hard to sit still until he spoke again. "Give me a few days to clear my schedule, and we'll drive out there to find you a place."

I took a deep breath. "Thanks, Dad."

He nodded. "I have some money I set aside for your first semester. We can use it to get you started in Phoenix."

"You don't have to do that," I protested.

"I want to." Stubborn Chief Swan was back. "I'm not going to get that many more chances to take care of you, Bells."

I gave in, partly because he wanted me to, and partly because I needed the help. My savings had taken a pretty big hit, and I had been worried about the cost of getting my own place. As much as I didn't like accepting money from my dad, I would do whatever it took to find Edward. "Thanks," I said.

"Call your mom," was his answer. He went into the living room to watch TV while I cleared the dishes.

Renee was easy to convince; she liked a good adventure enough to think that my sudden desire to live by myself sounded exciting. She promised to forward all of my summer clothes once I had an address, and she said she was sending me a check as a belated graduation present. I didn't even try to protest this time.

Things moved fairly quickly after that. Charlie took care of stuff at work so he could leave, and I researched places to live in Phoenix. I didn't try to look for Edward on the ancient computer in my room; that could wait until I got away from Forks. I packed my meager belongings in a few boxes. Charlie asked me if I wanted to take the bed, but I couldn't face the idea of sleeping in the same place where Edward and I had shared so many beautiful nights. I told him I'd rather he kept it for when I came to visit, which pleased him.

The morning we were to leave Forks, I got up early and went to sit at my desk. I hadn't planned to leave on this day; it had just happened that the date fell when it did. I stared at the calendar for awhile, fighting back tears. Finally I reached for a piece of paper and started to write.

_August 13, 2006_

_My name is Isabella Marie Swan. Today I was supposed to marry Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. Instead, I let him go because I love him and I want him to be happy. He was everything to me; my life began the day we met and ended when I lost him. I will love him until the day I die._

It wasn't enough. Five sentences seemed a paltry offering to describe one of the greatest love stories ever told. It was all I had, however, and I had to do something. I needed proof, something concrete for this day, so that I would never forget. I ran my fingers over the words and then reached for a little velvet bag that I kept in the top drawer of my desk. I folded the paper and slipped it carefully into the bag, along with the jade butterfly that had destroyed my life.

Finally I slipped my engagement ring off of my hand, caressing it lovingly. Holding it up to the light, I watched it sparkle. I thought of something else that had sparkled for me, back in another lifetime…shone so brightly that it put the sun to shame. I smiled tenderly, but I did not cry. Pressing the ring to my lips, I kissed it gently. I slipped it into the bag and placed the bag in my backpack. Then I rose from the desk, picked up the backpack, and walked out of my room for the last time.

I did not look back.

~B~E~B~E~B~

**There's a green button below. You want to press it…**


	7. Lost

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As we pulled into the hotel parking lot, I couldn't deny that it was nice to be back in Phoenix. Physiologically, I had always preferred the warmth and endless sky of the desert home of my childhood. My connection to Forks had been an emotional one, and that bond had been severed the moment that Edward Cullen forgot I existed. I had come here to find him, to ensure his well-being, so why did it feel as if I were leaving him behind as I stepped out into the bright Arizona sunlight?

I found an efficiency apartment in one of the college areas, a serious, quiet complex filled with grad students who were all too busy working on their dissertations to cause much trouble. Even Charlie was convinced of the security – at least, after he'd installed a second deadbolt on my door. I was touched and slightly embarrassed to discover that he'd brought tools from home solely for this purpose. I called the electric company and had things set up in my name; the complex was taking care of the other utilities. Then we went downtown to complete all the paperwork necessary to declare me a resident of the state of Arizona. Don't want to change your driver's license right away just because you've relocated? Try getting away with that when your father is a cop.

After that we went shopping. College towns reign supreme in the world of vintage, resale, and every other polite term for "used". We found a good secondhand furniture store just a few blocks from the apartment. I didn't particularly care what kind of furniture I bought, but Charlie insisted that he wanted me to pick out things I really liked. I knew I had to show at least some interest to keep him from getting suspicious, so when he asked what kind of bed I wanted, I replied, "I should get a daybed. That way it can serve as a couch during the day."

"Good idea," he said.

Unfortunately, the only daybed in the shop was black wrought iron. I looked at it, feeling cracks splinter in the fragile wrapping of my heart. Quickly I turned away. "Let's look at some others, just to be sure," I said softly.

My gaze settled on an elegant twin four poster in dark wood, steeped in timeless wisdom and ancient wealth. Like the daybed, it reminded me of Edward, but this time the feeling was muted enough that I could live with it. There was slight damage to one of the legs, which brought the price down to what we could afford. Even so, the extravagance made me wince.

"It's okay, Bella," Charlie said gruffly. "It's a good bed, solid wood, and it will last you a long time. I want to buy something that you like and that you'll use." He was trying so hard to please me; all I could do was nod. I hated that he was spending money on things I might only use for a few months, but I tried to console myself with the idea that at least the bed would have good resale value. Not for the first time, I struggled with the reality of how my future decision would affect my parents. I locked the thought away. It was all I could do right now to take one day, one step, one breath at a time.

Selecting the bed made the rest of my choices easier. I picked out an oversized chair and ottoman in a light cream color, and I found a small writing desk with wood almost the same shade as the bed. We added a couple of stools to put at the kitchen bar, and I was finished.

"Are you sure you don't need anything else?" Charlie asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Dad, have you _seen_ my apartment? If we buy any more furniture, I won't have room to walk from the bed to the front door."

He laughed. "It _is_ pretty small." He paid the salesperson and made arrangements for everything to be delivered the following morning.

Finally we made our way to a store where I could purchase kitchen supplies and linens. I had left my bedding in Forks; I couldn't handle the idea that every time I looked at my bed, I would see Edward's perfect form reclining on my sheets. I found a comforter and matching sheets in burgundy and gold that would go well with the rich quality of the four poster. To keep things simple, I chose similar colors for the kitchen and bathroom. It occurred to me that, despite my complete lack of interest, my apartment was going to turn out quite nice. Alice and Esme would have been proud of me, I thought, and a somewhat hysterical laugh escaped my lips.

"You okay, Bella?" Charlie asked.

I took a deep breath and firmly shut the door on my heart once again. "I'm just tired, Dad."

He nodded. "We've done a lot today. Why don't we get some dinner and head back to the hotel?"

I grinned shakily. "You just want to take advantage of the extended cable to watch three games at once."

The following morning I washed my new linens in the apartment complex laundry room as we waited for my furniture to arrive. The apartment really was pretty once everything was in place, and I could tell Charlie was pleased. The only thing that bothered him was the lack of a TV. "Are you sure you won't let me buy you a small set?" he asked for the fourth time.

I groaned. "I'm sure, Dad. You know I don't watch a lot of TV. I'm going to take the money Mom sent and buy myself a new computer instead."

He was having trouble imagining life without a flat screen, but finally he gave in. We went to an electronic store, where Macintosh trounced Windows in the battle of the laptops. Then I insisted on taking him to lunch. He tried to protest, but I wanted to thank him for everything he'd done for me.

Finally it was time to drive him to the airport. We checked his bags, and I walked with him as far as I could. He looked at me, his eyes sad. "Take care of yourself, Bells. Things won't be the same at home without you."

I nodded, feeling my throat begin to tighten as tears filled my eyes. "I made dinners for you; they're in the freezer with instructions on how to warm them."

"Thanks." His smile was a bit misty.

In that moment it was natural to step forward and wrap my arms around him. He was my father, and I might never see him again. "I love you, Dad."

"Love you too, kid." He pressed his cheek into my hair. "If you need anything, call me. You know…" His voice faltered. "…you know you can always come home, right?"

"I know," I whispered.

His arms squeezed around me tightly, and then he walked through the scanner and down the hall.

I didn't go back to the apartment, driving instead to a local park where I sat on one of the benches and watched people walking on the trails. I went to a supermarket and bought enough food to get me through the next few weeks. The sun was already setting by the time I arrived home. I took a long time to put away the food, straightening and reorganizing the cabinets until not a single thing was out of place. I sat on a stool in the kitchen, listening to the quiet of the evening. This time there wasn't even the ticking of a clock to keep me company.

I stayed up late unpacking, hoping I would be tired enough to fall asleep. As soon as I crawled into bed, however, I knew it wasn't going to work. It was too quiet; the light coming in through the window was all wrong. Most of all, there was no Edward resting against my pillows, no strong arms waiting to hold me and keep the nightmares away. I stared up at the ceiling for a long time before getting out of bed and making my way to my new chair, where I'd placed the stuffed lion Edward had won for me on the night of the carnival. Eddie was one of the things from my former life that I hadn't been able to leave behind. Another was Edward's music. I put his CD in the player and carried Eddie back to bed with me. Under the covers we slipped, as the most beautiful music I had ever heard, the only music I ever wanted to hear, filled the silence of my lonely new home. I held the lion close and wept into his fur until sleep finally claimed me.

The next morning I woke late and stumbled into the kitchen to make breakfast as I thought through my plans for the day. The company I had called to install my Internet and phone service wouldn't be out for a couple more days, so I needed some place where I could use my laptop until then. I couldn't wait to get started looking for Edward, and I also needed a job. I had noticed a bookstore down the street, and I wondered if they might have wireless access. I finished eating, cleaned my few dishes, and got dressed within half an hour, eager to be out of my silent apartment.

Even in my shattered state of mind, I couldn't help but notice that the bookstore was charming. A sign over the shop read "Bookworms" and featured a worm/caterpillar-like creature wearing wire-framed glasses and holding a brightly colored book. A small bakery and coffee shop operated in the front corner, and in the back room I could see people painting ceramics. The store carried both new and used books, and customers were nestled in comfortable furniture throughout the store. Sunlight streamed through the front windows, and the familiar smell of old books greeted me as I walked through the door. Immediately I felt at home. There was an announcement at the counter that advertised wireless service, but my eyes fell to the smaller "Help Wanted" notice beside it.

"Good morning," the woman behind the counter greeted me with a soothing alto voice. "May I help you?"

I was getting too good at these split-second decisions. "Yes ma'am. Are you hiring?"

Her face was kind, but she studied me with the shrewd look of business. "I am. Are you looking for a job?"

Suddenly I wanted this job with a surprising intensity. "Yes," I replied. "I just moved here from Washington. I have retail experience, and I can provide references."

She looked at me, considering. "Do you know anything about books?"

In answer, I reached into my backpack and pulled out my ancient, battered copy of _Wuthering Heights._

She took the book gently, a small smile gracing her lips. When she looked up at me again, warm brown eyes acknowledged me as a kindred soul. "Can you work a register?"

I looked at the setup she had behind the counter. "It looks a lot like the one I used back home."

She took a deep breath, lifting her thick blond hair from her neck with one hand. "Well, you can tell that it gets pretty busy in here; I've got more work than I can handle." She nodded toward the crowd that filled the store. "Tell you what – can you stick around today?"

"Yes," I said eagerly.

"Okay. I'll give you a quick rundown of things, and we'll see how it goes. We can talk more after we close. I'm Carolyn, by the way." She held out her hand.

I shook it, feeling the first real excitement I'd had in days flow through me. "Bella Swan," I replied. She walked me through using the register and explained how the store was organized, and then I got to work. The day flew by after that; Carolyn wasn't kidding when she said there was a lot to be done. The store officially closed at six, but the last customer didn't leave until ten minutes past. I helped clean up while Carolyn finished the day's report. Finally she led me back to her office, where we sat a desk that was overflowing with paperwork.

"Whew!" Carolyn said, pulling her hair into a low ponytail. "Am I ever glad you showed up! My last girl left three days ago, and I was beginning to think that I wouldn't be able to find someone who knew literature and knew how to work. Here, fill out these forms for me while I copy your ID." She handed me an employment application and took my driver's license and social security card. As I started writing all of my information, she continued, "I can't pay you much, but it's better than minimum wage." She mentioned an amount that would help me pay all of my bills and have a bit left over for extras, if I was careful. "You get a discount in the store, and I can give you a week's vacation each year. Sick days and holidays, of course, but no health insurance. I'll need you from ten to seven Tuesday through Saturday, with two breaks and a thirty minute lunch each day. If you'd rather combine your breaks and take an hour lunch, I'm flexible. We're closed on Sunday, and you can take Monday off."

I nodded. "Sounds good; thank you."

She smiled. "No, thank _you_. I think this is going to work well, Bella." She looked at my application form. "Forks, Washington? I've never heard of it."

"Nobody has, unless they're from there," I said ruefully.

"I'll bet Phoenix is a big change," she replied, laughing.

"It's different," I agreed. "Forks is nice, though. Really…green." My voice broke just a little as I whispered, "It rains a lot."

She was watching me, obviously trying to hear what I didn't say. Realizing that I wasn't going to offer anything else, she rose to her feet. "Come on, I'll walk you out." As we made our way through the store, she said, "I opened this shop seven years ago when my youngest went off to college. Six months ago I started renting out the back room to Adria for art classes. It helps pay the bills, and her customers tend to become mine as well. John runs the bakery up front under the same arrangement."

"It's a nice setup," I said admiringly. "I could feel the comfortable atmosphere when I walked in this morning; it felt like home."

"Thank you!" She beamed at me. "That's exactly what I'm aiming for." She unlocked the front door and let me out, looking at the parking lot. "Where's your car?"

"At my apartment," I explained quickly, not wanting her to think that I didn't have adequate transportation. "I live right down the street."

She frowned. "I'm not sure I like the idea of you walking home by yourself."

"I'll be fine," I replied firmly.

She wasn't convinced, but she nodded. "Okay, but be careful. I'll see you in the morning."

I thanked her again and made my way home, glad to have put in a good day's work. I hadn't been able to use the Internet, but I could probably do that tomorrow during my lunch break. I had a job that I would enjoy, I was making enough money that I didn't have to worry about paying my rent, and during my off time I could start looking for Edward. Things were as good as they were going to get, and for the first time since everything had fallen apart, I allowed myself to hope.

This became the pattern for my life in Phoenix. Every morning I would wake up and go to the bookstore, where I worked hard enough to wear myself out before bedtime. During lunch I used the store's wireless to search for Edward, and once my service was set up at home, I also searched at night. My days off were pretty much spent in front of the computer until I got fed up and had to force myself to go outside. In spite of all this, I wasn't making a lot of progress. There were an awful lot of Masens available through Google. I began my search in Chicago, even going so far as to call all of the Masens I found listed through a free people search website. I'd found a Helen, an Alex, two Michaels, and one unfortunately named Gertrude, but no Edward.

There were other resources available for trying to find someone, but they cost money. I needed to build up my savings first, so for the time being I had to search on my own. Everything was made more difficult because I wasn't even sure if he was going by Masen, and I had no idea where to look for him. I was beginning to get a feel for the massive task I had set for myself.

The one good part of my life was my job. It was different, working at a store that sold things I actually cared about. I enjoyed helping people find books, and I took every opportunity to learn about new subject areas so that I could answer customers' questions. Carolyn was a wonderful teacher; I was beginning to think that she had read every book ever written.

The first Saturday that I worked, she approached me to ask a favor. "I wouldn't throw this at you right away like this, but I don't have any other choice," she explained, flustered.

I could tell she was really stressed. "Whatever it is, I'm glad to help," I said.

"You might not be, after I tell you what it is," she said ruefully. "Two Saturdays a month, Adria holds a preschool children's art class. I read a story to the kids, and then they go back and work on an art project that corresponds to the story. Unfortunately, I have a meeting. That guy with the shipment of first editions I told you about just called; he wants to come over immediately."

I gulped. "And you need me to read to the kids?" I didn't know a lot about children; they kind of made me nervous.

"Can you?" she asked. "Adria already picked out the book; she's doing something that goes along with the store's theme."

There wasn't really anything I could do but agree, so half an hour later I sat on an impossibly small chair, reading _The Very Hungry Caterpillar _to a bunch of wiggly toddlers. Thankfully the story wasn't very long, and there were plenty of parents to help me keep control. As soon as I opened the book, a pretty little girl with dark brown hair climbed up into my lap and leaned against me. I gently touched her soft curls and let myself imagine for just a moment what it would have been like to have Edward's child. I had never allowed myself to even think about it before, and so I was surprised at the painful longing that shot through me.

Two weeks after I arrived in Phoenix I sat in my apartment, glaring at my computer. It was Monday morning, I had just spent another fruitless two hours researching Edward Masens, and all I wanted was for the day to be over so that I could go to work and get away from my thoughts. After swearing under my breath for the third time because the Internet took longer than I liked to load a page, I decided that it was time to get out of the apartment. Because I walked to work each day, I could splurge and drive the truck on my days off. I went for an aimless drive, eventually ending up outside St. Mary's Basilica, a Catholic church near the center of town. Built in the late 19th century, the church was considered a historic landmark and had once been visited by Pope John Paul II. I looked up at the building, remembering all of the times that Renee and I had admired it as we passed by. Without thinking, I pulled into a parking space.

I wasn't particularly religious, but the reverent atmosphere inside the church soothed me. I gazed up at the historic architecture, wondering what Edward would have thought of it or what it would have looked like through Esme's eyes. Sunlight burst through the stained glass windows of the cathedral, making me gasp in wonder. It was easy in this sacred place to believe in God, but then, I had always believed. As far as I was concerned, there had to be a divine creator to give life and then immortality to someone as perfect as Edward. I sat down in a pew, closing my eyes and trying to formulate some sort of prayer in my mind. It seemed wrong to ask that I be allowed to find Edward, and so instead I just hoped that he was safe and happy. I prayed that I had made the right decision in letting him go. I was calmer when I left St. Mary's, and the drive to the church became my new Monday ritual.

Days passed; before I knew it, it was my birthday. This was the only day I truly allowed myself to give in to the grief I was feeling. I called in sick to work and stayed in bed all day, weeping as I gained the extra year I had so desperately wanted to avoid. It was a long day, filled with doubt, anger, and hopelessness. For the first time, I began to accept that I might never find him. How would I know when it was time to stop looking? What sign would be given when it was time for me to let go?

I woke up the next morning with pale skin and dark circles under my eyes, determined that I wouldn't spend another day alone with my thoughts. I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, murmuring, "One day, one step, one breath," until I finally found the courage to get dressed for work. Carolyn immediately tried to send me home, but I insisted that I was fine. I worked almost frantically until lunchtime, at which point Carolyn sent me outside to get something to eat and enjoy the sunshine. I walked down the street and bought a sandwich at the corner shop. There was a small park with a fountain, and I wandered over to look at it, eating my lunch as I let the midday warmth soak into my skin.

"Edward!"

Even as I turned to find the source of the woman's voice, I told myself that it was impossible. There were plenty of men named Edward in the world; there was no way that the only Edward I cared about could be standing just a few feet from me. Except he was.

On the other side of the fountain stood the only man I had ever loved, his beloved face so familiar that my heart almost stopped beating. His eyes were green instead of gold, and the gentle flush of humanity graced his cheeks. Nevertheless, he was just as handsome and perfect as he had ever been. I raised my hand to my lips, almost sobbing with joy. I started to run toward him, taking a deep breath to call to him.

Then I noticed the woman standing at his side, the one who had first caught my attention as she said his name. Tall and beautiful, she looked up into his face as he gazed lovingly at her. Her left hand was clasped in his; as I watched she turned to look at the glittering diamond on her ring finger. "It's beautiful!" she cried. He smiled and brushed her hair with his free hand.

Grief rushed through me, so sudden and shocking that it tore my heart from my chest. I opened my mouth to protest, to deny, to scream, but I couldn't make a sound. Blood rushed through me; I could hear the roar of a thousand angels crying. My vision started to fade, and I stumbled. Finally my world went infinitely, mercifully black.


	8. Found

Edward's handsome face was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. I raised my hand to my head as I struggled to get my bearings; I was with Edward, so I must have been sleeping. "I had the most horrible dream," I murmured.

His worried eyes searched mine. "It's all right; you're safe now," he promised.

It was so _good_ to be with him again, to have escaped the terrible nightmare. It felt as if I hadn't seen him in weeks, and so I told him the words that seemed as if they had become rusty with neglect. "I love you," I whispered.

Pealing laughter interrupted my thoughts. "Fainting and falling in love before she's even met you! Edward, I think it's a new record!"

Gingerly I turned my head to look at the beautiful woman who was kneeling beside me, and in that moment all of my memories returned. It wasn't a dream. It was most definitely a nightmare, but unfortunately it was of the waking variety. I had lost Edward; I had given him away, and the young woman smiling down at me was the recipient of the most selfless, most painful act I had ever performed. If she was marrying him, marrying my Edward, then why was she smiling at me? The answer was obvious: she knew I wasn't a threat. She was so elegant, so beautiful, so perfectly matched with him; what could she possibly fear from someone like me?

Suddenly I noticed that Edward was scowling at her. "Knock it off, Liz," he growled as he ran his hand through my hair. "She's hurt; she doesn't know what she's saying."

His skin was too warm; his voice, though pleasant, wasn't the velvet melody of my fantasies. This wasn't my Edward, and I couldn't bear to stay here and meet my replacement. "I'm fine," I said, trying to stand. Unfortunately I moved too quickly; pain shot through my head as the sky whirled above me.

"Easy," he said gently, holding me close. "You took a hard fall; don't try to get up yet."

I should have protested, but it felt so good to be in his arms that all I could do was lean into his chest and take a deep breath. He smelled the same; it was muted, but his scent still intoxicated me.

The girl laughed again. "Now she's trying to get away? I was wrong; maybe you're losing your touch." I glared at her, wondering if it were possible to kill her and make it look like an accident.

He rolled his eyes. "_Elizabeth_," he said sternly. He looked at me, smiling ruefully. "I'm Edward Masen, and the comedian next to me is my sister, Elizabeth."

His _sister_. I wondered if this was what it felt like for Edward when his dead heart beat for the first time in almost a hundred years. I gasped, feeling truly alive for the first time in so long...six weeks, five days, thirteen hours. Tears of joy filled my eyes as I replied, "It's so good to meet you."

He grinned, and – oh, _God_ – it was still that familiar, crooked smile. "And you are?" he asked, his eyes teasing.

I blushed, but before I could respond, a voice called out. "Bella!"

It was Carolyn; my boss hurried across the street, her face frantic with worry.

Edward glanced at her and then smiled down at me. "Bella," he murmured. "Beautiful." His eyes were green, not gold, but still they captivated me, drawing me in as time stopped around us…

Then Carolyn was beside us, her hand clutching my arm as she repeated my name. Reluctantly I tore my eyes from Edward's perfect face and turned to look at her. "I'm okay," I said.

This time when I tried to stand Edward didn't stop me, but he kept his arm around my waist. "She fainted and hit her head," he countered, frowning.

I glared at him. Apparently regaining humanity and undergoing a memory wipe hadn't been enough to remove his overprotective streak.

"I _knew_ you shouldn't have come to work today!" Carolyn fussed. She turned to Edward and his sister. "She wasn't feeling well, but she refused to stay home."

This was getting ridiculous. "I'm _fine_," I repeated, my voice frustrated.

"You should go to the hospital," Carolyn said, but she stopped when she saw the look on my face. "Well, you _are_ going home. Give me a minute to tell John where I'll be, and then I'll drive you."

"You can't leave the store!" I protested.

"Bella, don't be silly," she began, but Edward interrupted her.

"I'll escort her home," he said smoothly.

My boss looked at him suspiciously; for a moment she looked so much like Charlie that I almost laughed. "How do you know Bella?" she asked, ferocious as a pit bull.

Elizabeth stepped forward and smiled. "I'm Elizabeth Masen, and this is my brother, Edward. We saw Bella faint and came over to help. _We_ would be happy to drive Bella home." Edward shot her a grateful look.

Carolyn studied her, then turned to me. "Bella?"

"It's fine," I said. "I'll be back in the morning."

"Only if you're feeling better," she said fiercely.

I nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry about work."

She rolled her eyes as she hugged me. "I just want you to get better. I finally found a decent assistant; I can't afford to lose you!" She fussed a little more before returning to the shop.

After she left, Edward turned to me. "Shall we?" he asked, gesturing to a gorgeous blue sports car. I should have known.

Elizabeth shook her head. "I don't think so, Edward. The Maserati is a two-seater, remember?"

"I realize that," he replied smoothly. "Listen Liz, why don't you let me drive Bella home? I don't want you to be late for work."

She laughed. "No can do, little brother. I promised Bella's boss that _we_ would see her home, and I'm not about to fall down on my chaperone duties."

I blushed to the roots of my hair. "It's not necessary," I mumbled.

"Of course it is!" she exclaimed, leading me to her car. "Besides, this way I get to show off my ring to a new audience."

"Oh, Lord," Edward groaned. "Don't let her get started, Bella, or we'll never hear the end of it." The love in his eyes as he looked at his sister belied his harsh words.

I duly admired the glittering diamond. "Congratulations," I said, genuinely thrilled that she was marrying someone other Edward.

"Thanks," she replied, beaming. "Mark asked me last night, but Edward was asleep when I got home, and I rushed off to work this morning before he woke up. We met at lunch to celebrate, and that's when you…fell…into our lives."

It was obvious that she was related to Edward, now that I wasn't looking at her through the eyes of a jealous lover. She had darker hair, but they shared the same elegant frame and sparkling green eyes. I sat in the front seat of her car and listened to her chatter, conscious all the while of Edward's intense gaze behind me. The ride to my apartment was both too long and not long enough, as I struggled with emotions that threatened to engulf me. I had so many questions and things I wanted to say, but I knew I could never voice them.

When we pulled up in front of my building, Edward insisted on escorting me to my door. As we passed the stairwell, my backpack caught on a ragged edge of metal and ripped, spilling its contents all over the sidewalk. Mortified, I sank down to begin picking up my belongings.

"Here, let me help," Edward said. He knelt beside me, his long, graceful hands easily gathering my books and wallet. One hand closed gently around the velvet pouch that I carried everywhere. "This is a pretty bag," he commented.

Suddenly it was all too much. I had wanted to find him for so long, and now that he was with me, I was overwhelmed. To see him like this, to finally understand that my life was irrevocably changed…he was the same, and yet so intrinsically different. It was like looking at an Escher print and realizing that you had been viewing the image from the wrong angle. The focus had shifted, and the new perspective made me dizzy. I pulled the velvet pouch from his hand almost forcefully, agonized by all that must remain unspoken between us. "Thank you for the ride," I said brusquely, shoving the rest of my things back into my torn backpack. "I have to go inside now."

He looked confused. "Let me walk you the rest of the way to your door."

"No, thank you." I had to get away from him; I could feel my control slipping. "Really, thank you. You've been a great help. Tell your sister I'm happy for her." I walked away quickly, feeling his puzzled stare burning into my back. I turned the corner and ran to my apartment, almost breaking my key as I slammed it into the lock. I rushed inside and slammed the door, falling to my knees as I burst into tears.

~B~E~B~E~B~

The next few hours were frantic with grief and doubt. What had I done, finding him? What must he have thought of me, running away from him like that? And most importantly, _what kind of idiot was I?_

Crazy, impossible thoughts flowed through my mind. Obviously, we were meant to be together. I hadn't even had to find him; he had found me! If that wasn't proof of destiny, I didn't know what was. So I would seek him out again; now that I knew he lived in Phoenix, it would be easy. We could go out, get to know each other…

I couldn't do that to him. We couldn't have any kind of relationship without honesty, and yet any attempt on my part to tell him of his past would just convince him I was crazy. What was I supposed to say? _Hi Edward, sorry about freaking out like that earlier. You might not remember this, but just a few weeks ago you were a vampire. Yep, a card-carrying member of the undead. No, wait; it gets better! I was your fiancée. I know we're too young, at least I am – you're over 100 years old – but you insisted that we get married. I only went along with it for the sex. Oh, and because you agreed to change me into a vampire too. We're going to live with your vampire family…maybe not live, I guess exist is a better word…and we're all going to party until the universe implodes._

Yeah, that would go over well.

Immediately I shook my head. I could never tell him. If I tried to be with him again, I would have to be prepared to keep this secret forever. What kind of life could I offer him, with the truth always lying unspoken between us? It wouldn't be fair to do that to him; all I could do was cause him grief. I had wanted to know that he was happy; it appeared that he was. The right thing to do now, the kind thing, would be to walk away. I had my answer; now all I had to do was find the courage to end my life.

My increasingly disjointed thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Startled, I looked at my new clock – purchased so that the ticking could keep me company – and realized that it was past five o'clock. I stumbled to the entryway, wiping tears from my face. I opened the door, intending to tell whoever it was to leave me alone with my misery.

Edward stood in the hall, a bouquet of flowers in his hand and a worried smile on his lips. "Hello again," he said softly.

"Hi," I whispered, opening the door further.

He shook his head even as he walked in. "You really shouldn't open your door without seeing who it is, and do you always let strange men into your apartment?"

Yep, the overprotective streak was definitely still intact. "If you try anything, I'll take you down with my mad karate skills," I said, rolling my eyes. I looked out into the breezeway before I shut the door. "How did you find me?"

He shrugged. "We had walked almost all the way to your apartment. I just started knocking on doors until I found someone who could tell me where you live."

Maybe I wasn't as cautious as I should be when opening my door, but it _did_ bother me that people would just give out my apartment number. Of course, this was Edward we were talking about; apparently he hadn't lost the ability to dazzle people, either. I took the flowers from him, inhaling their scent. "These are beautiful; thank you."

"You're welcome." He gestured at the bouquet, an adorably shy look on his face. "It's freesia and lavender. I couldn't help but notice your perfume earlier; it reminded me of my mother's garden."

The memories were all around me; I buried my face in the flowers because I didn't know how to respond.

He cleared his throat, obviously struggling with what to say next. "Actually, I brought the flowers as an apology."

I looked up at that. Why would he possibly need to apologize? "For what?" I asked.

He searched my face, his jaw tightening as he noted the evidence of tears. "When we met earlier, I couldn't help but feel that I had upset you somehow."

_Carlisle has a theory….our strongest human traits…He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me…_

I shook my head to clear the memory. What could I tell him? _It's not about you_ would be a blatant lie. "It's not your fault," I said, choosing my words carefully.

The small twist of his lips told me that he heard what I didn't say. Thankfully, he didn't pursue it, although what he did say next was shocking enough in its own right. "Would you like to go out to dinner?"

My heart rate shot up as pleasure swept through me. Oh, it was tempting. We would be together again, almost like we were before. I tried to justify it in my mind: I still needed to ask him some questions, after all. How could I be sure he was happy if I didn't know more about him? Immediately my conscience replied that I was only making things worse, both for me and for him. "I'm not sure…"

He held up his hand to stop me before I could finish speaking. "Wait, please. Just hear me out, and then if you want me to leave, I promise I will." When I nodded, he looked away, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. The familiar gesture almost made me start crying again. Finally he sighed. "I don't know how to do this! I've never had anything like this happen to me before." Blazing green eyes studied my face. "I've never felt this type of…connection…with anyone. _God_, doesn't that sound like the most pathetic pickup line in history? I swear it's true, though. As soon as I saw you, I felt like I'd known you forever…like I'd waited my whole life for you." He shook his head, turning away in frustration. "Like that could happen. If I'd met you, I'd definitely remember."

"You'd be surprised," I said, barely restraining a hysteria-tinged laugh. I would not feel hope. _I would not._

He looked at me, startled at the edge in my voice. "Anyway, that's it. I don't have anything else to offer except that I really feel like I'm meant to know you, and I promise I'm not a stalker."

I did laugh at that, and I was pleased that it sounded relatively normal. "I never thought you were." _You wanted to kill me once, but you had a really good reason…_

He smiled. "So, having completely embarrassed myself…will you take pity on me and go to dinner?"

I lost my internal battle as I admitted to myself that I couldn't refuse a human Edward any more than I could the vampire. Sighing, I held up the flowers. "Let me put these in some water first." As I turned to go into the kitchen I saw him let out a relieved breath, and I had to grin. There was something almost impossibly cute about the fact that I made him nervous.

Not having a vase, instead I put the bouquet in a drinking glass and pulled out a sprig of lavender to carry with me to dinner. Moving back into the other room, I pulled my wallet out of my torn backpack. My hand brushed against the velvet bag, and I hesitated. I had kept the bag with me ever since the day I left Forks; it was my talisman, the reminder of who I was meant to be. I wasn't sure I was brave enough to face this new Edward without it. Finally I put my wallet and the velvet pouch in my purse and turned to go.

Edward was watching me, his inquisitive eyes missing nothing, but all he said was, "Ready?"

I nodded. "Where are we going?"

"Wherever you'd like," he replied as we left the apartment.

I hadn't changed clothes, and I was too tired from my crying jag to have energy for anything fancy. "Maybe something simple," I suggested, "and we split the cost."

He frowned at that. "I wasn't raised to let a lady pay for her meal."

I shrugged. "Adjust." I'd fought this battle with him before, and I could fight it again. Maybe this time I'd get better results.

He made a noise that was slightly reminiscent of a growl as he escorted me to his car. I looked at the shiny blue sports car and just couldn't help myself. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather take my truck?" I asked sweetly, waving my hand in the direction of my beloved Chevy.

He followed my gesture, and his face grew pale. "You mean it actually runs? I was surprised that the apartment manager hadn't called a towing company to have it removed."

"Hey!" I protested, but I wasn't really offended. It felt so familiar to be arguing about this that I couldn't keep my lips from turning up in a smile.

"It's not safe for you to drive that thing," he said sternly.

"Oh, please," I replied. "If there was an accident, I'd have to drive us both home in my sturdy truck because your puny little car would be scattered all over the highway like so much scrap metal."

He drew in a deep breath. "There is _nothing_ puny about my car," he said, his voice deeply offended.

I couldn't help it; I burst out laughing.

He stayed silent for a few more moments, but finally he gave me a brilliant grin. "Just get in the car, Bella."

Still laughing, I followed him to the parking lot. "Watch yourself, Edward Cu– _Masen_." I wasn't laughing anymore. Staring down at the pavement, I struggled with horror over what I had almost done. How could I have made such a slip? I could feel him watching me as he helped me into the car, but I didn't look up. As he walked around to the driver's side, I muttered "_Masen, Masen, Masen, Masen…_" under my breath as many times as I could.

I looked at him worriedly as he slid into his seat, but all he said was, "There's a pizza parlor a few blocks from here. What do you think?"

I nodded, relieved. "Sounds good." As he pulled out of the lot, I let out a quiet breath.

The pizza place was a typical college hangout with booths, beveled glass, and ambient lighting. The hostess seated us and brought drinks and menus. "What kind of pizza do you want?" I asked, suddenly curious about the human Edward's eating habits.

He looked at me skeptically. "I like supreme, but it's okay if you want something else. I know not everyone is up for the awesomeness that is supreme."

It seemed right that he would enjoy as many types of food as he could. I met his gaze boldly. "I think I can handle it."

Green eyes pierced me. "You sure about that?" he asked lazily, and the temperature in the room shot up about a hundred degrees.

_Whoo boy._ I took a sip of my drink, trying to cool down. Human Edward could be dangerous. Thankfully the waitress was approaching. "Place the order, please."

This time it was his turn to laugh at me. I couldn't help but notice that his eyes never left mine, even as the waitress did everything in her power to flirt with him. He was still a gentleman, my Edward.

The questions began as soon as the waitress left. "What flavor of milkshake do you like?" It wasn't quite "What's your favorite color", but it was close.

"Chocolate," I sighed, resigned.

He grinned. "Is there any other kind?" Then he began to grill me just as thoroughly as he had two years ago. I struggled with memories as questions flowed from his lips – some of them the same questions he'd asked the first time. I was determined not to let him dominate the conversation this time, however, because I had questions of my own. He was human now; he'd have to stop eventually to eat or breathe.

I got my chance when he asked about the scar on my forehead. Embarrassed, I pulled my hair over on that side, trying to cover the spot. "It's nothing; I fell last month and hit my head."

He was concerned. "You should have mentioned that earlier today. Hitting your head after a recent injury was definitely cause to go to the hospital."

I scowled at him. "Thank you, Dr. Masen."

He laughed. "Actually, that's my mother."

Here was my opportunity. "Your mom's a doctor?" I asked.

He nodded. "She's an anesthesiologist at the University of Michigan Hospital in Ann Arbor. My dad teaches Economics there."

"So you live in Michigan?" I asked. The disappointment I felt was almost overwhelming. Would he have to leave soon?

"No, I don't live with my parents." A shadow crossed his face but faded quickly. "I moved down here a few months ago to live with my sister. She has my dad's ability with numbers; she works at a bank."

There was so much I wanted to know about him, but I had to take things slowly. "What about you? Are you planning on following in your mom's footsteps?" It occurred to me that he was probably still in high school. I felt so _old_. I hated being nineteen.

He shook his head. "No. I'm studying music at Arizona State."

I stared at him in surprise. "But you're so young!"

He looked at me, puzzled. "I never told you how old I am."

_Oops_. I was going to have to get better at this. "You look a little young for college, that's all."

That didn't help; now he looked offended. "How old do you think I am?"

There wasn't a good way out of this. I could lie and say I thought he was older than he was, but then he would wonder why I thought he was too young for college. "Never mind," I mumbled.

He studied me for a few minutes but finally gave in. "You're right; I'm only seventeen. I was homeschooled for the past few years, and I finished high school early."

I wondered why he looked sad as he said it. "That's interesting. What made you decide to move to Phoenix?"

He shrugged. "They offered me a scholarship, and it was easier to convince my parents because Elizabeth was already here." Again that flash of pain entered his eyes. "Besides, I like the weather here. Up until now, it was like I'd lived my whole life in darkness."

I looked down at the table and swallowed hard. _I'm sorry, Edward._

He took a deep breath. "So, what about you? Tell me more about why you moved from…Forks, you said?"

I tried to smile. "Yeah. Sort of like Michigan, I would expect. Lots of clouds and rain. I'm probably going to start school in a few months."

He was off again, asking questions as I struggled to keep up. Family, music, art…he was curious about everything. We continued to talk while he paid the bill, grumbling as I insisted on handing him some money. We were discussing literature when he parked in front of my apartment; I was doing my best not to mention anything that might bring up memories I couldn't handle. He insisted that I wait until he came around to open my door, and he kept his hand on the small of my back as we walked. Moonlight shone against his pale skin, making him almost look like the Edward I knew. "I had a wonderful time tonight, Bella."

"So did I," I said quietly.

"Then may I see you again?" His voice was hopeful.

I stared into his eyes, struggling with what I wanted and what I knew was right. It was a futile effort. "I'd like that," I admitted.

He smiled, and the glow in his eyes sent a burst of warmth to the base of my spine. "I'll meet you at work tomorrow; what time are you finished?"

His perfection was too much for me; it always had been. I could feel myself shaking as I replied, "Seven."

He reached out to stroke the back of his hand along my cheek. "I'll be there." With a final, mesmerizing glance, he walked away. I leaned against my door and watched until he was gone. Then I stared up at the moon and wondered what I was supposed to do now.

~B~E~B~E~B~

**Did you really think I would do that to you? I adore Edward, and I firmly believe in true love. (Of course, all true love has to suffer sometimes, right?) So press the button and tell me how glad you are that Elizabeth's his sister! Thanks for reading!**


	9. Past

_Warning: A tissue might come in handy during this chapter._

~B~E~B~E~B~

He was waiting outside the bookstore when I left the following evening, leaning against the front of the building and looking more handsome than should be legal. "Are you ready?" he asked as he walked toward me.

I nodded, not sure I could trust my voice. It really wasn't fair that, even human – when we ought to be on more equal footing – he could still make me breathless without even trying. I worked to control my heartbeat as we walked to his car, and by the time he asked me how my day went, I was able to answer. "It was good. Slow in the morning, but it picked up after lunch."

"I haven't had the chance to check out the store yet; I'll have to do that," he replied as he helped me into the car. As we pulled away from the curb, he asked me where I wanted to have dinner.

I'd thought about that during the day, and I had a plan. Edward had always enjoyed watching me make food and eat, and I found myself wondering if he would like my cooking. "Do you mind if I make dinner for us at my place?" I asked.

Interest flared briefly in his eyes but was quickly replaced with concern. "I would love that, but are you sure you aren't too tired? You've been working all day."

"I don't mind. I'd rather stay home than have to go out and face a crowd. We'll need to stop by the store, though." I gave him directions and relaxed into the comfortable leather seat as he drove. It was interesting, watching Edward handle the car. He was as competent and smooth at the wheel as he had always been, but he didn't speed. He kept up with the flow of traffic but showed no inclination to go faster. Maybe his human instincts prevented him from taking the risk, although that certainly didn't stop a lot of drivers. As he drove, I asked him about school.

"I only had two classes today: Music Theory and Humanities." He grinned. "Nothing too exciting."

"Are you concentrating on a particular instrument?" I was pretty sure I knew the answer to this one.

He nodded. "Piano. I'm also taking voice lessons and fulfilling other program requirements, but piano is my favorite. I've played for years."

It was what I had expected. I thought of a lullaby, and a lost soul, and the beginning of a love that was so pure it burned the heart that held it. So many days I had sat beside him, watching his elegant hands grace the piano. I had been young, in love for the first and last time in my life, and so very grateful to have found him. Sometimes sunlight would stream through the windows and reflect on his face or capture the length of his hands as they touched the keys, and I would forget to breathe. He would look at me then, a beautiful man and yet still a boy in so many ways. His lips would relax into a tender smile, and the depth of emotion in his eyes spoke of hope and gratitude, letting me believe that someday he might find his soul again.

I studied his profile as he drove. I wanted to be the one who gave him that hope. He had believed himself damned, and I would prove him wrong if it was the last thing I did…no matter what it cost.

"So what are we having?" he asked as he pulled into the store parking lot.

I took a deep breath and locked my thoughts away. "Do you like Mexican food?" I asked shakily. "I was thinking chicken enchiladas."

"Sounds great." He smiled at me. "I like most types of food, although I have to admit that doesn't extend to liver."

I wrinkled my nose. "Ugh. I'm with you on that one."

We purchased the groceries I would need to make dinner, and I also found a backpack to replace the one I had ripped. Back at the apartment, Edward was unhappy when I wouldn't let him help.

"I can do something…chop vegetables, maybe? You shouldn't have to do all the work," he protested.

This was something I wanted to do for him myself. "There isn't room in this kitchen for two people," I replied. "You can sit at the bar and keep me company."

He agreed somewhat grouchily, but his mood improved after he'd had awhile to pout. When I finished preparing the meal and set the plates on the counter, it occurred to me that maybe I should have gotten a kitchen table after all. I hadn't exactly planned on having company. Actually it wasn't that bad, sitting next to each other at the bar as we ate. His arm brushed mine a few times, and once our hands touched as he reached across the counter to get another napkin. It was all I could do not to rest my head on his shoulder as we talked about everything and nothing.

When dinner was finished, he insisted on washing the dishes. I tried to help, but he wouldn't hear of it. "You're the one who said this is a one person kitchen, remember?" he teased. So it was my turn to watch from the bar as he worked. He waited until he was turned away from me to ask his next question. "So did you leave anyone special in Forks?" His voice was carefully devoid of emotion, but the muscles in his back tensed as he waited for my answer.

I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't lie, not about this. Maybe it was for the best; it would at least provide him with an explanation for why my emotions were all over the place. "Yes," I said. "There was someone. He was…important."

He turned to face me then, his eyes peering into mine as he tried to read my secrets. "What happened?" he asked gently.

I had to look away. "I lost him," I whispered.

Walking over to me, he took my hand in his. His fingers were warm against my skin. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

I blinked away tears and turned to face him. "What about you?" I waited anxiously for his reply. He was still as gorgeous as ever, and now he was a teenage, _human_ boy with modern morals and expectations. There had to have been someone.

To my surprise, he shook his head. "I've never had a girlfriend. High school was…a difficult time for me."

His eyes spoke of the sorrow I had noticed last night, and I desperately wanted to know its cause. He didn't say any more, however, and it was no longer my right to ask. He would tell me when he was ready. So I squeezed his hand in reply and repeated his words back to him. "I'm sorry."

His hand tightened around mine, and after a moment he shifted his palm until our fingers could intertwine. Smiling crookedly, he asked, "Aren't you going to show me the rest of your apartment?"

I laughed. "It's an efficiency, Edward. How much more do you think there is?" I led him into the living area and waved my hand. "This is it."

"I like it." He glanced around at my furniture. "No TV?"

I shrugged, embarrassed. "I don't watch enough to make it worth it."

"Hmm." Still holding my hand, he wandered to the built-in bookshelf. His eyes swept over my collection. "Austen, Brontë, Shakespeare…all appropriate choices for a bookstore employee."

I held my breath, hoping this wouldn't lead to a discussion on the merits of various works. I couldn't handle those particular memories right now. "I like the classics," I replied.

"So I see," he teased. His finger traced over the spines of several books, finally coming to rest on a particular title. "Ah! Dickens." He pulled my copy of _A Tale of Two Cities_ from the shelf and tugged me over to the oversized chair. Sitting down, he gestured for me to join him. "May I read to you?"

Gingerly I sat down beside him. There was just enough room for both of us, if I curled my legs over his. He placed his arm around the back of the chair, almost embracing me. "You'll have to help me turn the pages." Slender fingers opened the book to the first page. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…"

I pressed my head against his chest, and his voice rumbled in my ear. It wasn't the melodic tone that had first captivated me, but it was still the sound of the only man I would ever love. His human voice was beautiful, too; it had the same pleasant depth as before but carried a unique gravelly edge to it that did something severely clinical to my nerve endings. I could fall in love with this voice.

I closed my eyes as he read the words, "Recalled to life." Edward had been recalled to life, by my hand. In a manner of speaking, I was his creator now just as Carlisle had been. What did that mean? Was my responsibility to stay by his side or walk away?

He read for the better part of an hour, only stopping once so that I could get him some water. Finally he closed the book with a sigh. "It's late; I should go home."

I opened my mouth to argue, but instead I yawned. "I guess I am pretty tired," I said sheepishly.

He laughed. "It's nice to know you find my company so thrilling," he teased.

"I do!" I protested. "It's just been a long day." Rising from the chair, I took his hand and walked with him to the door.

He frowned slightly. "Made even longer by the fact that you cooked for me. You shouldn't have worn yourself out like that, but I have to admit that I enjoyed it very much." His gaze held mine, eyes glowing as he stepped closer to me. He let go of my hand to hold onto my waist. His other hand came around my shoulders, and he tentatively pulled me into a hug. I slipped my arms around him. For a moment, neither of us breathed. "Is this okay?" he asked softly.

I nodded and pressed my cheek against his chest. In answer, he tightened his arms around me and rested his chin atop my head. I leaned into him, listening to something I had never heard before: his beating, living heart. This was Edward's heart, and it had loved me once before. I hoped – _fervently, desperately _– that someday it might love me again.

He sighed, the gentle rush of it washing over me. "I don't want to go home," he murmured. His arms tightened still further, and I could swear I felt the brush of his lips against my hair. I closed my eyes and held on for all I was worth.

We stood that way for a very long time.

~B~E~B~E~B~

"I know what it is to lose someone you love," he said quietly.

Edward had shown up at the bookstore just before noon, carrying a picnic basket and a blanket. Declaring the shop charming, he had thoroughly dazzled Carolyn before sweeping me out of the store for lunch. We'd made our way to the park, where he had immediately claimed a spot under the best shade tree available. After enjoying a feast of cold meats, cheeses, and fruit, we were resting next to each other on the blanket, looking up at the sunlight that filtered through the trees. In the midst of such peaceful splendor, he spoke of loss.

Turning to look at him, I urged, "Tell me."

He sighed, continuing to look up at the sky. Maybe it was easier for him that way. "Like you, my mother has a thing for classic literature. She always said she named us after family members, but I honestly think she chose the names because they came from Austen novels."

I wasn't sure where he was going with this, but I could play along. "Elizabeth from _Pride and Prejudice_ and Edward from _Sense and Sensibility_?"

He smiled just a little. "My smart Bella." The smile fell away as he whispered, "Also my brother, Edmund."

This was the story of his pain; I was sure of it. "_Mansfield Park_."

He nodded. "Apparently my mother also has an unhealthy fascination with the letter 'E'." He chuckled, but there was no humor in it.

My heart clenched. I had wanted so very desperately for him to be happy. What if something had happened to him as a human, something that couldn't be fixed? Slipping my hand into his, I said again, "Tell me. Tell me about Edmund."

Finally he turned to look at me, green eyes holding onto brown like a lifeline. "He was the middle child: five years younger than Liz and two years older than me. I adored him, looked up to him in the way that only a younger brother can. He was smart, and strong, and funny. He taught me how to play baseball and football, and it didn't bother him that I followed him everywhere. We were best friends, and he didn't mind telling people that. He was very popular, but he always said that family came first. He had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known."

He was squeezing my hand now, so tightly that I was starting to lose circulation. I didn't care. "He sounds like a great older brother," I said.

"He was the best." Edward smiled wistfully. "When I started high school…three years ago…he always invited me to sit at his table at lunch. He'd save a seat right next to him every day. Can you imagine what that did for me, having a place with the upperclassmen? I was quiet, shy, locked away in my music. Edmund was the one who gave me courage and taught me how to be around people."

"He loved Ford Mustangs. It was a bit obvious," scoffed the owner of the Maserati Bora, "but he always said, 'Why argue with a classic?' So he had a brand new Mustang. Fire engine red because his girlfriend said it went well with his hair. On the weekends he would let me work on it with him; he taught me everything there was to know about cars. He'd always take over if a job was too rough, though, because he didn't want me to ruin my hands. He'd tease me about musicians being soft, but he was proud of me. I rode to school with him every day because he said the bus wasn't good enough for his kid brother. So…I was with him when it happened."

By this point I was feeling slightly sick to my stomach. I didn't want to hear what he had to say next.

Edward turned to look back at the sky. "It was an ordinary Friday morning. I was thinking about my math homework and wondering if I had the nerve to talk to the cute sophomore who sat next to me in French. Edmund was excited because the first district football game of the season was that night, and he was the starting halfback. The accident was exactly that…an accident. Nobody was drunk, or high, or even inattentive. The guy heading toward us swerved to avoid a dog that ran across the street, and then he overcorrected and shot straight into our lane. Edmund tried to pull out of the way, but there wasn't time." He paused for a moment, and when he resumed speaking his voice carried a terrible stillness. "I was the only one who survived. Edmund and the other driver were killed instantly."

I stared at his profile, horrified, hardly able to breathe. What had I brought him back to? _Oh, my poor Edward._

He closed his eyes against the sun. "I was still in the hospital when they held the funeral. For a long time I struggled with that. I felt like I didn't get to say goodbye. I was numb for awhile; it was easier not to feel anything. Then one day I saw a copy of the newspaper article about the crash, and they had a picture of Edmund's car. It was a twisted wreck…nothing but scrap metal, and all of the sudden I was so _angry_. All I could think of was how much Edmund had loved that car, how we had spent hours working on it, and how upset he would have been to see what had happened to it. Then I got mad at him for dying, and the other driver for swerving, and the dog for running out in the road, and before I knew it I was crying. I cried harder than I had since I was a kid, and I didn't stop for hours."

He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I didn't go back to school. I needed physical therapy, and emotionally I wasn't ready to face everyone…to face the memories. So my dad took some time off work to stay home with me. He took care of me and made sure that I didn't get behind on my studies. In the long run, it was good for us. He'd always been closer to Edmund. Not because of any subconscious favoritism, but just because they had more in common. Besides, Edmund was just so much _fun_ that it made people happy to be with him. I wasn't as outgoing, and my dad didn't share my interest in music. Over the months of my recovery, we started building a stronger relationship. It sounds terrible to say it like that: like my brother had to die for me to get close to my father. It's what Edmund would have wanted, though."

His voice relaxed a little as he said, "So I survived, mostly because my family is amazing. We could have fallen apart, but instead we loved each other enough to pull through it. It was like Edmund had always said: family came first. Nobody minded that I had nightmares, and when I had to take anti-depressants, my mom said it was okay because so did she. We all went to counseling; we learned how to grieve and how to let go. The next summer, Liz came home and taught me to drive because she knew I was afraid to get behind the wheel. It wasn't easy, and it didn't happen overnight. It was a slow, grueling process, but we survived."

I was utterly devastated. "Edward, I'm so sorry."

Finally he looked at me again, and his face twisted in pain. "Oh, no. Bella, please don't cry. I only wanted you to know that I understand what it's like to lose someone." Tender hands gently wiped the tears from my cheeks. "It's okay; really it is. I was blessed to have fourteen years with the best brother in the world. I miss him, but it gets easier every day. Three years out, I can at least talk about it. Maybe in a couple more years, I can pass a red Mustang on the street without flinching." He gave me that precious crooked smile, and there really was happiness in it.

I took a deep breath and smiled tremulously in return. "Thank you for telling me about him," I whispered.

He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close, resting his head on mine. "Thank you for listening."

I put my arm around his waist. "So then you moved here?"

He nodded. "I finished my classes early, mostly because I wanted to get everything out of the way so I could concentrate on music. It was one of the things that gave me comfort during that time. I decided to move here because I felt like my parents needed some time for themselves. My parents – they're wonderful. They have this incredible love, the kind that lasts a lifetime. Even during the darkest moments after Edmund's death, they never doubted their love for each other." He pressed his lips into my hair. "That's the kind of love I want."

I closed my eyes. _You have it, Edward. You always did._

We stayed there under the sun for several long minutes before he sighed. "We should head back. I don't want you to be late for work." Reluctantly we stood and packed the picnic basket. "I won't be able to see you tonight," he said. "There's this dinner for the music department at school. I agreed to attend weeks ago, and I told them I wouldn't have a date." He looked at me hopefully. "I could try and sneak you in, or I could always skip."

"Of course not!" I protested. "You need to go, and it would be rude to bring someone without an invitation. Anyway, I have chores to do tonight." That wasn't strictly true, but I needed some time to think.

"Okay, but I'll be miserable all night without you," he said soulfully. His lower lip pouted, and it was all I could do not to cave.

"You'll live," I replied briskly.

He grinned. "It's not living without you; it's only existing."

His words hurt so much that it felt like a knife had pierced my heart. _Oh, God._ Taking a deep breath, I said, "Behave, Masen." I steadfastly refused to let my voice shake.

When we reached the bookstore, he reached out to cup my cheek with his palm. "Will you come to church with me in the morning?"

"Church?" I asked, startled. My Edward, the one who felt he had lost his soul, the one who thought God had forgotten him…he went to church?

He shrugged. "My mom was raised that way, and we always went out of respect for her. Then when Edmund died, it was either find God or give up on Him altogether. So…church." He smiled at me softly, almost sheepishly.

I felt a tiny burst of hope. No matter what I had done, no matter how much I might doubt my actions, surely it couldn't be all bad if Edward had regained his faith. I brought my hand up to cover his, pressing it gently against me. "Yes," I agreed softly. Then I smiled.

~B~E~B~E~B~

In the morning I ate breakfast and washed up before dressing for church. I had spent the previous evening trying to make sense of my emotions, but I still wasn't sure what to think. Edward had suffered such a terrible loss, but he also appeared to have come to terms with it. He had told me yesterday that he felt blessed, and I could see the truth of what he was saying in his eyes. He had found peace – peace fought and bled for, but real. When he smiled, it was with a happiness that I had never seen in my Edward, not even during our best moments. It made my wish, and the cost that came with it, seem worth it.

However, even if I accepted that Edward was happier as a human, I still had to decide if I should have a role in his life. My original reasons for thinking that I should leave remained valid, and yet the traitorous voice that had first led me to search for Edward was now whispering that I could make a new start with him. I certainly _wanted_ to be with him – it was all I had ever wanted – and Edward's actions and words over the past few days had given me cause to think that maybe it would be better if I stayed. I'd always thought that Edward and I were destined to be together, but I had believed that I gave up that right when I took Fontaine's offer. Now, however, I thought of Edward's words as he told me that he felt a connection with me…that he'd waited his whole life for me…that he wanted the love of a lifetime. What if Edward and I _were_ meant to be together, no matter what? Did I have the right to walk away from him, if it meant he might never have that destined love that he wanted so much?

I had a sinking suspicion that it didn't matter. I had always been selfish where Edward was concerned and had used my one noble act to grant him humanity. I was almost certain that I didn't have the strength to leave him again.

Looking through the clothes in my closet, I regretted the grief that had caused me to leave most of my nicer clothes in Forks. Alice had chosen so many of them, and I couldn't bear to bring them with me. Now I wished that I had brought a few dresses. Putting on my khaki skirt, I briefly considered the blue blouse that Edward loved so much, but eventually I pushed it aside. That shirt had belonged to my vampire love; it seemed wrong to share it with the human who was now causing so much confusion in my heart. Instead I chose a red blouse that I had bought to replace the one that Riley had stolen. I brushed my hair until it shone and had just finished putting on some lip gloss when Edward knocked on the door.

He was cheerful as we drove to church, his good nature having returned since yesterday. His smile and the depth of affection in his eyes made my heart race; he was and would always be the man I loved. I wasn't paying attention to the route we were travelling, and so when he pulled up in front of St. Mary's Basilica, I gasped. He looked at me, concerned. "Bella, what's wrong?"

I stared at the building that had helped me maintain my sanity while I had searched for Edward. "Too many coincidences," I murmured.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I looked at the church for several moments before taking a deep breath. "Nothing. I've been to this church a few times to pray; that's all."

That pleased him; his eyes lit up as he reached out to squeeze my hand. "I'm glad. I'm so happy that you came with me this morning."

Watching Edward during the service reinforced the idea that humanity had been the right choice for him. He looked so at peace, so confident in himself and in the goodness of a benevolent creator. Light streamed from the stained glass windows and cast brilliant colors over his face. His skin no longer sparkled, but he was still beautiful. He held my hand throughout the service, and I couldn't deny how very good it felt to be by his side once again. This was where I belonged; how could I ever have doubted it? How could I doubt it still?

After the service we enjoyed lunch with Elizabeth and her fiancé, Mark. Elizabeth talked about wedding details and cast delighted glances in my direction every few minutes. Later Edward drove me home and stayed with me, sitting at my kitchen counter as he worked on his homework. We spent the evening reading, although this time I was the one who gave voice to Mr. Dickens' words. Finally Edward left, promising to see me the next day. He pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead and hugged me before walking out the door. Whether from emotional exhaustion or the beginnings of my acceptance of this new reality, I fell into a deep sleep and enjoyed pleasant dreams for the first time in weeks.

~B~E~B~E~B~

_Author's Note: Have you ever had the characters take control and demand that something be written? That's what human Edward did during this chapter. I realize there were a lot of intense issues in this section, and this part was different from other sections. I would appreciate your feedback, because I've never written something quite like this before. Thanks so much for reading!_


	10. Present

_Author's Note: I decided you all deserved a bit of fluff after everything I've been putting you through. However, I can tell you that the rest of the story (of which there is quite a bit) is definitely NOT pure fluff. Just in case you were wondering. Thanks again for reading and reviewing!_

~B~E~B~E~B~

Several hours later, I was awoken from my pleasant sleep by an intense stomach ache. Moaning, I rolled over in the bed, trying to ignore the queasiness that was gnawing at my gut so that I could go back to sleep. Eventually I lost the battle, staggering into the bathroom where my dinner made its reappearance. Ugh. Horrified, I wondered if I was sick _because_ of dinner. What if I had made Edward ill with the food I had prepared for him? The way my luck had abandoned me, it was entirely possible. I truly hoped not. The food had tasted fine, and I kept a clean kitchen. Surely I hadn't given Edward food poisoning.

I crept back to bed and eased my aching body under the covers, groaning as my stomach cramped even tighter. It felt like I was running a low fever; you didn't get fever with food poisoning, did you? Maybe I had caught a bug. Adria had held one of her children's art classes on Saturday; I was willing to bet that every one of those cherubic darlings had been just swimming in germs. Or there was that lady at church yesterday, the one who shook my hand and thanked me for attending. Her nose had been suspiciously red…

Eventually I drifted into a restless sleep, waking in the morning to the sound of the phone ringing. Sunlight streamed through the windows and across the bed as I clumsily reached for the handset. "Hello?" I mumbled groggily.

"Good morning, sweet Bella." Of course his voice was the only thing that could make me feel better.

"Edward." Suddenly I remembered my concern from the previous night. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes, why?"

Thank goodness. If I'd gotten him sick, he would probably never have eaten my cooking again. I'd already decided that cooking for Edward was going to become one of my new favorite pastimes…if I stayed. Unfortunately the thought of food upset my precarious stomach. "I'll call you back," I stammered into the phone, slamming it down and racing into the bathroom just in time.

The phone started ringing again while I was still washing up, and it continued its harsh claim for my attention until I crawled back to bed and lifted the receiver with a shaky hand. "Hello," I whispered.

"Bella, what's the matter?" he asked urgently.

Oh, it was wrong of me to enjoy the concerned tone of his voice. I usually hadn't liked it when Edward worried, but it had been so long since I'd had him fuss over me. "It's nothing. I've caught some kind of stomach bug; that's all."

"You sound dreadful," he said. "I'll be right over to take care of you."

"No," I protested. The last thing I needed was for him to see me looking this miserable. "You have class this morning."

"Bella…"

"I'm fine, Edward," I insisted. "Go to class, and spend some time with your sister. I'll call you later."

He argued a little more before finally giving in reluctantly. After making me promise to call if I needed anything, he hung up.

I dozed most of the morning, being careful not to move very much so I wouldn't upset my aching stomach. Thankfully I wasn't sick too often, and I hoped that the virus would be short-lived. By early afternoon I was enjoying a lovely daydream involving Edward and the meadow when a knock on the door startled me. I made my way across the room gingerly, wincing as I opened the door and saw who it was.

"Still opening the door without checking first?" he teased. His tone was light, but his eyes scanned my face worriedly.

I was mortified; I knew I looked horrible. "Edward! I told you to go to school –"

"– and to spend time with my sister; I remember." He grinned. "I finished class, and as soon as my sister heard that you were sick, she asked me what in the world I was doing hanging around her office. She practically kicked me out and told me not to return until you were completely recovered." He looked at me, the picture of pure innocence. "You don't want me wandering all over town homeless, do you?"

I groaned and leaned my head against the door. "Laying it on a bit thick, Masen."

His hand reached to cup my chin, and he lifted my face to meet his. His eyes gazed deeply into mine as he whispered, "Please, Bella. Let me take care of you."

He really shouldn't dazzle me like that when I'm not feeling well. It isn't fair. "Okay," I replied woozily.

He laughed gently as he stepped into the room, carrying a grocery bag. "Go back to bed, Bella. I'll get you something to drink and do my homework while you rest."

"This really isn't necessary," I grumbled. "I'm already feeling a bit better." Of course, as soon as I said that my stomach lurched again and I had to hurry to the restroom.

"So I see," he replied from the bathroom doorway.

I leaned back against the wall, utterly humiliated that he was seeing me like this. "I really am feeling better," I said. "I think that might have been the last of it."

"Let's hope so." He reached down to slip his arms under mine, lifting me gently. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up. He helped me wash my face and got my toothbrush ready, making me feel like a toddler. After I was in bed, he brought me some Sprite and a cool washcloth for my face. His hand was gentle as he touched my cheek and brushed my hair away from my forehead. "Rest," he murmured. He continued to gently stroke my skin until I drifted to sleep.

It was evening when I woke again. Edward was sitting in the chair across from the bed, his head bowed over a book. Wanting to study him unobserved, I was careful not to move as my eyes noted the lock of hair that fell over his eyes, the strength in his shoulders and arms, and the controlled grace of his hands. He was such a beautiful man, and he seemed determined to be mine. I still wasn't sure that I should stay with him, but I could feel myself beginning to fall.

I could have stared at him forever, but I needed to use the restroom again…thankfully, for a more ordinary reason this time. I shifted, and he lifted his head to look at me. Instantly he was by my side, wrapping his arm around my waist as I tried to stand. "Are you sick again?"

I shook my head. "I need a human – I need to…" I waved my hand in the general direction of the bathroom as unshed tears weighed heavily in my throat. Finally I drew a shaky breath. "I'd like to clean up."

"Of course." He helped me to my feet and half-carried me across the room. Once we were standing at the bathroom door, he asked awkwardly, "Do you need…anything?" He gestured rather aimlessly at me, the shower, and the apartment in general.

I laughed gently. "Could you bring me some clean sweatpants and a shirt? On the shelf in the closet."

He was across the room and back in a flash, eager hands holding a bundle of clothing. "I thought you might also want…um…" He thrust the clothes at me, and I was embarrassed to see a pair of red cotton panties lying on top. I blushed to match.

"Thank you," I whispered, taking the clothes from him and closing the door.

"Let me know if you need help…or...anything," he called through the door. He walked away, muttering under his breath. A few seconds later I heard a loud thump. What on earth? I opened the door slightly and peered through the slit. He had both hands braced on the kitchen bar and was banging his head on the counter. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," he said over and over again.

Giggling softly, I shut the door.

I took my time in the shower, enjoying the warmth of the water on my body. It was so good to feel well again. Drying my hair with a towel, I dressed in the soft clothes Edward had brought me, thrilled to be clean.

He was working in the kitchen when I opened the door. "Better?" he asked as he came to my side.

I looked around the room in astonishment. "Edward, what have you done?" Every surface in the apartment was spotlessly clean. The bed had been stripped of its linens, and a comforting smell wafted from a pan in the kitchen.

He helped me over to the chair. "I just cleaned up a bit. You'll have to sit here until the sheets finish washing. Would you like some scrambled eggs?"

My stomach reminded me that it was quite thoroughly empty. "That sounds good," I replied.

He sighed with relief. "Thank goodness. If you didn't want that or canned soup, I was out of ideas."

"Can't you cook?" I asked. When he shook his head, I laughed. "I could teach you." If I stayed. Again I was facing that dreaded crossroads. Stay or go? Heaven or heartbreak?

Oblivious to my inner turmoil, he brushed my cheek with his hand. "I'd like that," he said. "For now, rest while I get you some food." He brought me the eggs and then left to put the sheets in the dryer. His face was serious when he returned.

"Did the washing machine eat the sheets?" I teased.

"What?" He looked at me, startled. "Oh, no. I'm just thinking."

"About what?" I asked cautiously. Something was obviously troubling him.

He looked at me for a long moment before grabbing one of the bar stools and carrying it over to my chair. Sitting in front of me, he took my hand in his. "Bella…I'm not sure how to ask this."

I was starting to get very nervous. "You can ask me anything, Edward."

He stared down at our joined hands. "It's just…you were sick earlier today, but you got better so quickly. I know there was someone in Forks, and that you were very close to him. Is it possible…do you think you might be…" He sighed and ran his free hand through his unruly hair. "Bella, are you pregnant?"

I stared at him, so shocked I could hardly breathe. Then I burst out laughing. "No! Edward, I can assure you – I am most definitely _not_ pregnant."

He studied my face carefully. "You're sure?"

"I'm positive," I said firmly. "He and I never…I've never. Not with anyone."

He let out a deep breath and smiled sheepishly. "Good," he murmured. "That's…good."

I looked at him, wondering. I shouldn't ask, but… "What would you have done if I had said yes?"

"Partly that would depend on whether or not he was still alive," he replied darkly. At my startled glance, he said, "You said you lost him, but you never explained exactly what that meant. If he was alive, then first I was going to have to find him and beat him to death." He grinned at me, but it had an edge of truth to it. Then his hand tightened on mine, and he continued earnestly, "Then I was going to come back here and offer to take care of you and the baby."

My heart fluttered in my chest, even as I stared at him in shock. "Edward! You're seventeen, and you've known me for _five days_."

He shrugged. "The moment I met you was long enough."

I shook my head. "Edward…"

He cupped my cheek with his hand. "I know this is fast, but I also know that I've been looking for you for a very long time. Now that I've found you, I'm as sure of this as I've ever been of anything." His loving gaze held mine, his eyes smoldering until I thought I would melt from the heat in them.

_So_ close to falling. "I…"

Sensing my hesitation, he dropped his hand and leaned back. "Of course, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. If you want me to leave–"

"No!" I said quickly. Reaching out to take his hand, I drew him close to me again. "No, I don't want you to leave. I'm just…afraid."

His lips twisted in a gentle smile. "I understand. I don't want you to ever be afraid, and I promise to wait as long as it takes." He gave my hand a gentle squeeze. "Finish your eggs while I go get the sheets."

When he returned, he made the bed and insisted on cleaning the dishes before returning to the living room. Holding up our book, he looked at me with a question in his eyes. Nodding happily, I moved over in the chair and placed my legs across his after he sat. Leaning my head against his chest, I closed my eyes as he began reading. I was still tired, and it wasn't long before the deep beauty of his voice lulled me to sleep. I was aware of his gentle chuckle and strong arms lifting me against a warm chest. I floated on happiness to my bed, and an angel pressed silken lips against my cheek before dreams claimed me.

~B~E~B~E~B~

Staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I tried to apply mascara without poking myself in the eye. I missed Alice so much right now that it physically hurt. I was an hour away from my first formal date with Edward, and this was supposed to be Alice's time. She would have made me look a hundred times better than I possibly could by myself. Even more importantly, we would have spent this hour together. She would have fussed and scurried, and I would have pouted and complained until she threatened to dye my hair purple. I would have known that her primping was a sign of affection, and she would have known that I only grouched to make her laugh. In the end, she would have loved me, and I would have loved her. Instead I was alone, on a night when my best friend should have been helping me get ready for one of the biggest dates of my life.

Edward was taking me to the opera. What kind of seventeen-year-old boy takes his date to the opera? My seventeen-year-old boy, that's who. Really, boy isn't the appropriate word. Edward had lived through enough, both as a vampire and a human, that he had the maturity and emotional depth of a man. But…_the opera_. I'd liked the little bit of opera I'd listened to, but I didn't know much about it. How was it possible that he could outclass me, even as a human?

I hadn't even been sure what to wear. He'd invited me the day after the horrible stomach virus incident, and I'd spent the better part of the afternoon panicking because I didn't have a dress. Most of the formal dresses that Alice had picked out for me I had insisted on returning. The few that she absolutely refused to let me give away I'd hidden in Edward's closet. The following day, Carolyn had taken pity on me and directed me to a shop during my lunch break, where I'd grabbed a few random dresses off the racks and marched into the dressing room like I was on my way to the executioner.

None of the dresses had worked. One was too small, another was designed for somebody with Rosalie's bust, and the last one was an unfortunate shade of orange that made me look like a tangerine. I had missed Alice then, too. I'd sat on the bench in the dressing room, tears streaming down my cheeks, as I'd wondered what in hell I'd done to my life. I'd been about to launch into a full-blown panic attack when the store manager had checked on me.

"Is everything all right?" The woman peeked carefully around the curtain. Seeing my tear-stained face, she murmured, "Oh, dear."

"I'm sorry," I said shakily, raising my hand to wipe my cheeks. "I need a dress, and I'm not very good at this."

She looked at the orange disaster, which I was still wearing. "Well…it's not exactly the right shade for you, but the cut is flattering," she said diplomatically. "Would you like me to bring you a few things?"

I nodded. "Yes, please." As she started to leave, I added. "Could you…do you have anything in blue?"

She cast another glance at me, in all of my tangerine glory, before smiling in relief. "Yes, I think that would be a very good idea," she said.

She was a miracle in the guise of an ordinary shop employee. She brought back four dresses, each more beautiful than anything I'd ever seen. I'd loved them all, but the second one was the one that left the shop with me. It was strapless, with a sash that framed the breast and wrapped around the waist to tie in the back. The skirt flared out just a little and fell all the way to the floor. Silver beading was woven into the bodice and sparkled down the skirt in an asymmetrical pattern. Most importantly, the dress was exactly Edward's shade of blue – the color he loved to see me in so very much.

If there was one benefit to not having Alice as my own personal shopper, it was that I was allowed to purchase my own footwear. I selected ballet flats, knowing that it didn't really matter what I wore because the dress was so long. The evening would be much more enjoyable if I didn't have to worry about breaking my ankle.

We had tickets for Saturday night. I'd left work early to have time to dress, for all the good it did. I'd gotten spoiled, having Alice to count on for makeup and hair. I finished with my preparations and grimaced at my expression in the mirror. It would have to do. Sighing, I walked out into the living room and picked up my evening bag. I put my ID and lipstick in it and held the velvet pouch in my hands as I struggled with guilt and indecision. I knew that at some point I would need to leave the bag behind me, that there would come a time when I would have to put it away in a drawer and say goodbye to the immortal love who had forever altered my heart. I wasn't ready yet. If I went out tonight, wearing Edward's favorite color for this carbon copy of the man I loved, I would need the courage stored in that little scrap of fabric. I tucked the pouch into my evening bag and tried to convince myself that it wasn't cheating if the man I was dating and the man I loved were two sides of the same coin.

Edward's face when he saw me told me that he, at least, didn't notice the lack of Alice's influence. His eyes glowed as he looked down at me; he reached for my hand and raised it to his lips, whispering, "Lovely." I blushed, and the light in his eyes darkened with desire. The energy between us blazed through the apartment until I was amazed we didn't burst into flames.

We saw _Tosca_. I had looked it up on the Internet, and the program for the evening provided a summary of the story. Screens above the stage provided the singers' words in English, which I watched for awhile. Eventually the beauty of the music overtook me, and I stopped relying on the translation. Watching the story unfold, I smiled at the interaction between the sacristan and the chorus and wept as Cavaradossi poured his heart out in the brilliant "E lucevan le stelle". Edward pressed a handkerchief into my hand.

When it was over and the lights came back up, he turned to face me. "Well?" he asked.

I looked at him, shaking my head ever so slightly. "It was…Edward, there are no words."

He smiled at me. "It's magic, isn't it?"

"Yes," I breathed.

He reached down to take both of my hands in his, and he pressed his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes. Oblivious to the crowd around us, we stood inside the mystical world that had only ever existed for us.

It was late by the time we arrived home, and I was tired from a full day of work and then our date. I was half-asleep when Edward pulled up outside my apartment. He wrapped his arm around me and supported me as we walked to the door. "Your key?" he asked, and I handed him my purse without thinking.

I knew the moment that he found the bag. His hand stopped moving, and he shot a quick glance at my face. After a second, he handed the purse to me. "Maybe you'd better get it."

Reaching into the purse, I pulled out my house key and handed it to him. I could not meet his eyes.

He opened the door and escorted me in, leading me to the edge of my bed. Gesturing for me to sit, he took his place beside me. "Bella, may I ask you something?"

I nodded, even as I knew that I couldn't answer.

He placed his hand on top of mine. "What's in the velvet bag? You carry it with you everywhere."

Tears gathered at the edge of my vision. "I can't tell you." His hand stiffened on mine, and I looked up at him, my eyes anguished. "I want to, and maybe I will be able to, someday. But for now…I can't."

His eyes never left mine. "Does it have to do with the man you left behind?"

God, he really was perceptive. He was better at reading me as a human than he had been as a vampire; maybe it was because he didn't have his special ability to fall back on. "Yes," I whispered.

"You really loved him," he murmured.

I could never, ever lie about this. "More than my own life."

He nodded slowly. "Okay." He reached up to cup my cheek with his hand, and his face was filled with intense determination. "But, I think that I might be falling in love with you. And he's not here. And…_I am_."

I looked at him, not even daring to breathe. He was my past and present and future love. He had stolen my heart one sunlit day in a beautiful meadow, and he held and would always hold my soul in his elegant hands. I realized that I would love him – in any form, in any universe, no matter what the repercussions – for the rest of eternity. Taking a deep breath, I fell. "Okay," I whispered.

He smiled, the brilliant smile of the conqueror, and he wrapped his arms around me. His heart was racing against mine, and I closed my eyes as his beloved scent welcomed me home.


	11. Passion

**Author's Note: The reviews you are all leaving are amazing. Thanks so much! When I'm having a hard time writing, your words really encourage me to keep going.**

~B~E~B~E~B~

"Hey pretty lady," Edward greeted me as I left work one evening. "Would you like to go out with me?"

I grinned at him, peering into those lovely green eyes. "Thank you, kind sir, but I don't think my boyfriend would like that. I'm supposed to go to his house tonight to watch baseball." Yes, this was the depth to which I had descended in my love for Edward: I was willingly going to his house to watch the Major League Baseball playoffs.

He smirked. "Actually, I have it on good authority that he's had a change of plans and wouldn't mind if I accompanied you to your apartment instead."

Continuing to play along, I exclaimed, "Sir! I'm deeply offended. I _never_ allow strange men in my apartment." I batted my eyelashes at him.

He laughed out loud at that one. "No, you just open the door for them without checking to see who it is first. _Much_ safer."

"Shut up." I punched him in the arm. "So we're not going to your house?"

He shook his head. "No. I hope you don't mind. Mark and Elizabeth invited some friends over, but I didn't want to share you with a crowd. We haven't had a lot of alone time this week."

It was true. He'd had a round of exams and busy projects, and I'd been tied up at the bookstore helping Carolyn with inventory. I'd even gone in to work on my days off. Carolyn needed the help, and the overtime pay was worth it. It had been several days since we'd had a full evening to spend together. Still, I knew he'd been looking forward to the game tonight. "You _do_ remember that I don't have a TV, right?" I asked.

"Liz is taping it," he replied. As he helped me into the car, he said, "I picked up Chinese; I hope you like it."

Inhaling deeply, I closed my eyes in appreciation as my stomach growled. "It smells fantastic. Thank you," I said gratefully. It had been a long day at work, and I hadn't really been looking forward to visiting Edward's sister. Elizabeth and I got along fine, but it was still stressful having to make conversation with someone. The idea of Edward and I relaxing in my own home was heavenly.

I looked out at the night sky as we drove. September had given way to October, and hints of fall were upon us. The seasons don't change as dramatically in Phoenix as they do in Forks, but the signs are there if you know where to look. It had been three weeks since Edward and I had made a tentative declaration to each other. Actually, Edward had practically shouted his intentions from a mountain top, while I had hesitantly agreed to move forward. We'd been on a few more dates, and I'd done my best to live in the moment. We'd finished _A Tale of Two Cities _last week, and I'd winced as Sydney Carton gave up his life so that Charles Darnay could find happiness. It hit too close to home. Memories still haunted me, but I tried to accept them and look to the future. I knew that at some point I was going to have to tell Edward the truth, and I had no idea how to do that. He would most likely think I was crazy, but we couldn't form any kind of lasting relationship with a secret this big between us. Hopefully that conversation would take place a long time from now.

I was so involved in my thoughts that I didn't notice the sheepish look on Edward's face until we were standing outside my apartment. "Edward, what's going on?" I asked suspiciously.

He grinned as he opened the door. "Surprise."

At first glance my apartment looked exactly the same as it always did. Then I noticed the flat screen TV that hung on the wall in my living room. "Edward! You did _not_ buy that for me."

He put his arm around my shoulders. "I missed your birthday a few weeks ago, so consider it a late birthday present."

"No," I said firmly. "It's too much."

"I wanted to do something really nice for you," he pleaded.

I glared at him. "You brought me Chinese food; that was nice."

"It's not even close to the same thing, and you know it!" he said, his voice rising with frustration. Sighing, he ran his hand through his hair, making it stand up on end. "I get it, okay? No fancy presents. I didn't know that, or I would have thought before I did anything."

Wincing, I admitted that he had a point. Human Edward hadn't yet been exposed to my wrath concerning expensive gifts; I was reacting to something that had only ever occurred with my vampire love. I really needed to find a way to keep the two separate in my mind.

He continued arguing his case. "You needed a TV, and I wanted to do something special for you. Please don't be angry because I was trying to make you happy." Green eyes looked at me soulfully.

His eyes captivated me. I had an almost out-of-body experience as I considered the future. What if Edward and I somehow found a way to make this work? If he didn't run away screaming when I told him the truth, we would continue our relationship down its natural path. For Edward, I had a strong suspicion that path would include marriage and someday – heaven help me – children. If Edward's children had the same eyes as their father, I would be an absolute pushover as a parent.

I gave a firm shake of my head, trying to snap out of it. "I'll accept it just this once and only because you didn't know," I said, pinning him with my gaze.

He held up his hands pleadingly. "I promise it will never happen again."

Glaring at the offending television, I muttered, "It's more a gift for you than it is for me, anyway." The comment gave me an idea. "I like that! Why don't we just say that the TV is yours, and you're loaning it to me so that you have something to watch when you come visit."

He frowned. "But I bought it for you!"

I folded my arms over my chest. "Take it or leave it."

His jaw tightened. "Fine. You're impossible; you know that?"

I grinned, suddenly feeling much better. Arguing with Edward because neither of us wanted to back down – _this_ I knew how to do. "You love me anyway."

His face softened and a rueful smile formed on his lips. "I do."

And that was all it took for him to be forgiven. Sighing at my inner weakness, I gestured toward the set. "It might not do you any good tonight, though. I don't have cable, and I'm not sure what kind of reception we'll get without it."

He gave me a guilty look. "I talked Elizabeth into calling the cable company and pretending to be you."

Maybe not so forgiven after all. "I imagine you also charmed the apartment manager into letting you in so that you could set up the TV and wait for the cable guy?" It wouldn't have been hard to do; my landlord was a single woman in her sixties who looked like she could use a good romance.

He grinned. "She was very accommodating."

"I'll bet," I muttered. Sighing, I said, "Okay. Did you at least give the company my address for billing?" I wouldn't put it past him to have sent the bills directly to his house.

Frowning, he replied, "Yes, but now we have a problem. If it's my TV, then I should pay the cable bill." He held up his hand to curtail my argument. "That's the deal. If you _really_ want to pay the bill, then you'll have to accept the television as my gift." He was smiling victoriously.

I glared at him. Forget making a future with him; I was going to kill him before the night was through. "Fine. I'll let you know when the bill arrives in the mail." I stomped into the kitchen and began setting up the food.

"Good," he called after me cheerfully. "I'm going to look for the game now, okay?"

I snorted. "You know what, Edward? You may be romantic and emotionally deep, but underneath it all, you're still just such a _guy_." It was reassuring, in a way.

He turned to face me. "You think I'm romantic?" His chest puffed out with pride.

I pointed at the television. "Watch your game."

He laughed and returned to the set. Once he'd found the right channel, he came over to help me. "Do you mind if we eat in the living room tonight?"

"That's fine," I agreed. We made our way over to the chair, where we carefully arranged ourselves so that the food didn't make a mess. "Remind me who we're watching?"

"Detroit and Oakland, the first game for the pennant. Since I'm a Michigan boy, we're Detroit all the way."

"Got it. The Detroit…Tigers, right?" I'd learned a thing or two, living with Charlie.

He nodded, pleased. "You know baseball?"

"My dad watches a lot. He's a Mariner's fan, of course," I replied.

He winced. "Ouch. Well, tell him I'm sure they'll have better luck next year."

Laughing, I agreed. We watched for awhile, cheering as Detroit took the early lead. There was something comforting about sharing baseball with Edward; it was like the present had formed a bridge to the past. When Ivan Rodriguez homered in the fourth, I said, "I went to an amazing game once. It was the most impressive display of skill I've ever seen."

"Yeah?" He turned to look at me. "Which teams?"

I smiled softly. "Nobody famous. I'll tell you about it sometime."

He studied me. "You have a lot of secrets, Isabella Marie Swan. I'm going to enjoy discovering them all." He reached out to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear, and the touch of his hand burned my skin.

A couple of innings later, I teasingly tried to steal the last shrimp from his plate. He successfully fought me off, only to hold the captured prize with his chopsticks and offer it to me. "Here; let me feed you," he whispered.

My eyes never left his as I pulled the succulent food into my mouth.

His face darkened with desire. His jaw tightened, and he carefully set the chopsticks down on his plate before reaching up to cup my cheek with his hand. He leaned in, bringing his lips to within inches of mine. "Bella," he murmured. Then he kissed me.

It was so different from what I had known. There was warmth and softness where before I had always tasted cold strength. He was still cautious, however, and I had to remind myself that this Edward had probably never kissed someone before. I didn't mind if we went slowly; I was still struggling with my own issues. Gently I pressed my lips against his and ran my hands through his soft hair – the one thing that hadn't changed much in his transformation. He liked the feel of my fingers against his scalp, and his mouth became more insistent against mine. When he finally pulled away, we were both breathing hard.

He looked at me, and the joy I saw in his eyes almost made me weep. Smiling gently, he put his arm around me and pulled me close to his chest. We watched the rest of the game in easy companionship.

When the game had ended in a satisfactory win for Detroit, Edward gathered our plates and carried them into the kitchen. "I don't want to leave," he said quietly.

"Then don't," I replied, surprising myself. Taking a deep breath, I added, "Stay." He looked at me, startled, and I suddenly realized how that must have sounded. "Not for that! I mean…just to sleep." It had been too long since I'd last fallen asleep in his arms.

"I'd like that," he replied, looking away from me bashfully. "Let me call my sister."

I'd forgotten about the fact that as a seventeen-year-old human, he was still considered a minor. "I don't want you to get into trouble," I said, worried.

He touched my cheek gently. "I won't. Just give me a minute." Pulling his cell phone from his pocket, he stepped outside.

I used the time to get ready for bed, trying desperately not to think about what I had just agreed to do. It had been so long since I'd last spent the night with Edward, and I couldn't help but be thrilled at the idea. At the same time, however, my heart was breaking. I pulled the covers back and realized that I wouldn't need extra blankets tonight; Edward would be just as warm as I was. The single comforter on my bed was a silent testament to my betrayal. I shook my head, frustrated…frightened. _He was still Edward._ I had to find a way to live with that, because I loved him.

He came back into the room. "All set," he said.

"Did Elizabeth object?" I asked.

He shook his head. "She just told me to have a good evening…and to behave."

His eyes wouldn't meet mine, so I studied his face instead. He was blushing! It was much more subtle than my usual flagrant display; he had just the slightest hint of red on his cheeks and the tips of his ears. Still, it was endearing. I laughed gently.

He looked up at me. "What?"

"You're blushing," I replied. "It's cute."

He scowled, walking over to pull me into his arms. "I am _not_ cute, Bella. Masculine, sexy, devastatingly handsome…these are all appropriate adjectives which you may use to describe me. Not cute."

I couldn't help myself. Tilting my head back, I challenged, "Prove it."

His lips found mine, and there was nothing tentative about his kiss this time. He caressed my lower lip, suckling and biting until I moaned, and then he took advantage of my open mouth to sweep inside with his tongue. He was overwhelming, and what he lacked in experience he made up for with enthusiasm and a willingness to learn. God, he was a fast learner. He explored every corner of my mouth, while his hands pressed me closer and closer to the strength of his chest. _This_ is what we were; this was the passion we carried between us, always tightly bound by Edward's fear of hurting me. Now the restraint was gone, and it felt like we would go up in flames. I felt myself start to unravel, and I pulled away before I could claim what I had wanted for so very long. Taking a few steps back, I looked at him.

He was staring at me, his chest heaving with effort. He clenched and unclenched his hands, obviously fighting the desire to pull me back into his arms. "I'm sorry," he said roughly.

I'd had enough of his remorse to last me a lifetime. "Don't you _dare_ apologize," I said fiercely. "It was perfect; everything you do to me is perfect." He started toward me then, but I held up my hand to ward him off. "Just…a little too fast."

He nodded and remained where he was. "Do you want me to go home?" he asked, and his face was the picture of agony.

I shook my head. "No. Hold me while we sleep?"

Looking at the bed uncertainly, he said, "I'm not sure that I can."

His reluctant admission tore at my heart. "I trust you, Edward." Walking to him, I took his hand in mine. "Everything will be fine. Go get ready for bed."

Nodding, he made his way into the bathroom. I climbed into bed and stared up at the ceiling as I battled my emotions. I knew I wanted to be in his arms, but I was still so unsure of everything else.

He returned, wearing his jeans and T-shirt. "I don't have anything else to wear," he said apologetically.

"It's fine," I replied. "You can take off your shirt if you want."

He shook his head. "Not yet."

I nodded, relieved and disappointed at the same time. Moving over, I patted the mattress beside me. "Come to bed, Edward."

Long, graceful fingers stroked the dark wood post by my pillow as he continued to study me. "I like your bed," he said, his voice low and rough with hunger.

I shivered, suddenly very glad that I had taken the time to pick out something nice. "Edward," I murmured, and I knew he could hear the longing in my voice.

He was in the bed before I could blink, pushing me down into the sheets as he kissed me again. His hands caressed my body, and I was glad that I'd worn a pair of sweats for sleeping. The temptation was just too strong tonight. Eventually he pulled away, his face hovering over mine as he studied every hint of my expression. "Goodnight," he said softly.

"Goodnight," I whispered.

He shifted to lie beside me, and I cuddled against his shoulder. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to calm down, but the comfort of his arms greeted me like an old friend. As I drifted off to sleep, I heard him speak one more time. "I love you, Isabella."

~B~E~B~E~B~

How perfect it was to wake up next to him the following morning! I woke first and studied him in the early morning light. He looked so young and peaceful, and it occurred to me that I had never seen Edward sleep before. I took in his flushed cheeks and lips that were stained with just a hint of red. Long eyelashes lay against pale skin, and russet hair fell every direction against the pillow. I felt something clench deep in my chest at the sight of him. Human Edward brought out protective instincts inside me that I'd never quite felt before. I'd always wanted Edward to be safe and happy, of course, but something about the fragile grace of his skin made me fiercely determined to shield him from harm. As I'd realized weeks before, I was his creator in a way, and he was my responsibility. Brushing his hair back from his forehead, I whispered, "I'll take care of you. Nothing will ever hurt you again; I swear it." Could I really promise him that? What would happen when he heard the truth about his past?

His eyes fluttered open, distracting me from my thoughts. "Good morning, beautiful," he murmured, his voice gravelly with sleep. Moving his head ever so slightly, he pressed his lips to mine.

Could I wake up every morning of the rest of my life like this? It wasn't so much to ask, was it? "Good morning," I said softly.

He was doing his own inventory of my features, and I blushed when he grinned as he noticed my hair. "It's always a mess in the morning," I mumbled, and I tried to brush it with my hands.

He reached up stop me. "I love it like this," he said quietly, slipping his fingers into my hair with a look of reverence on his face. "It makes me think things I have no business thinking, especially if I'm going to get out of this bed in time for class."

"School is overrated," I argued as I pulled him back to me.

He grinned. "Silly Bella." Giving me another quick kiss, he rose from the bed. "I have to go home and change. Go back to sleep, love. You don't have to be up for another hour."

I didn't sleep, but I wasted a good thirty minutes smiling up at the ceiling as I reviewed the events from the previous night. I floated through the day, ignoring Carolyn's good-natured teasing about my absentmindedness. When Edward came to pick me up after work, I flew out of the building and wrapped my arms around him.

He pulled me close. "I should go away more often," he chuckled.

"No." I burrowed into his chest. "Don't go away ever again."

He leaned back and cupped my face with his hands. "Never," he whispered, and it was a vow.

Tonight we were expected at Edward's house, and attendance was not optional. Elizabeth had let us get away with it last night, but she'd made it clear that she wanted to spend time with us now. I had a sinking suspicion that she wanted to question me about my relationship with her brother. Edward drove to an upscale neighborhood and pulled up in front of a house.

"It's beautiful," I said, admiring the elegant front porch and colorful flower beds.

"Thank you," he replied. "Liz has put a lot of work into it, but don't let her claim the flowers. Those are all mine."

"Like your mother," I said.

He smiled at me. "You remembered." Then he sighed. "It's time to go in and face the crowd."

It wasn't as bad as he'd made it sound. Except for a few teasing comments, we were mostly left alone. I had almost relaxed when Edward went into the backyard to help Mark set up the grill, and I found myself alone with Elizabeth in the kitchen. Tension settled into my shoulders again.

"Hi, Bella," Elizabeth said calmly. She took one look at my face and burst out laughing. "Would you please relax? I'm not going to attack you, even if you did keep my brother out all night and threaten his virtue."

I laughed weakly and eyed the distance to the door. Not close enough, and I'd probably fall down if I tried to run. It was time to face the firing squad. "I really care about him," I promised.

She smiled. "I'm glad. Edward's had a rough time of it the past few years; we all have. He told you about Edmund." It wasn't a question, but I nodded anyway. She continued, "He doesn't talk about that to just anyone. I want him to be happy, Bella, and he seems to be that way with you."

"I know," I said, mystified. What had I ever done that was good enough to warrant a man like Edward falling in love with me – not once, but twice?

She was watching my reaction. "That surprises you. It shouldn't. In the short amount of time that I've known you, I've decided that you are exactly the kind of woman my brother needs. You don't have to worry that it's just infatuation for him, either. Edward has always been one to make up his mind and stick to it. If he cares for you, he's in it for the long haul." Her expression became just the slightest bit concerned. "I guess if anything worries me, that's it. I don't mind that you're dating. I just want to make sure that you care for him as much as he does you. He's suffered so much already; please don't hurt him."

I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't _want_ to hurt him – it would kill me to cause him pain – but I knew that at some point we were going to have to deal with the past. How would he feel about me once he knew the truth? I chose my words carefully, borrowing from something Edward had once said to Jacob. "I'm here until he tells me to leave."

She heard everything I did and did not say with that response, and her eyes measured me for a few minutes. Finally she nodded. "Okay." Picking up a plate, she asked, "Could you help me bring these things out to the table?"

The rest of the evening was fairly relaxed. We cheered as the Tigers garnered another win, and I thanked Elizabeth for her hospitality before Edward escorted me out to his car. We were quiet on the ride home, content just to be together.

When we pulled up in front of my apartment, Edward cleared his throat. "I don't want to seem presumptuous, but I brought an overnight bag with me, just in case." He stared out the front window, refusing to meet my eyes.

I broke into a delighted smile. Bashful Edward was just the cutest thing I had ever seen, even if I wasn't allowed to say so anymore. "I'm glad," I said softly, and he graced me with a brilliant smile.

He waited in the living room while I got ready for bed, and when I returned, he was perusing the bookshelf yet again. Tapping the spine of a book, he snorted. "_Romeo and Juliet._ I've never understood the appeal. Romeo didn't have a lot of sense, did he?"

I stared at the book, thinking of a pale-skinned God and a heartbreaking race against time. "He had his reasons," I murmured.

"There are never good enough reasons for taking your own life," he insisted. He turned to look at me, and his eyes widened in shock. "You…you've thought about it, haven't you? Because of what happened with the man in Forks?"

I couldn't hide the truth in my eyes.

"No!" He was instantly furious. "How could you even think of such a thing? Life is – life is _everything_."

"You don't know!" I protested. "You don't know what it was like."

"Because you won't tell me!" he countered. "In any case, it doesn't matter, because no explanation would be good enough." Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his wallet and flipped to a picture of a smiling young man. "Explain it to _him_," he said harshly, holding the picture up. "You tell my brother that life isn't worth it, every damn time."

I was crying by this point. "Edward, I'm sorry. I just loved him so much, and it almost destroyed me when he was gone. I can't – I don't know how to tell you…"

His face softened when he saw my tears, and he put his wallet away. "I'm sorry, Bella," he said, but he didn't put his arms around me or dry my tears. His face was anguished as he looked at me. "Even if I don't agree with your choices, we can work around that. But – if you loved him that much, how will what we have ever be enough? I just don't see how I can compete with your memories, especially when you won't even share them with me."

He was going to leave. I was pushing him away, and he was going to give up if I didn't tell him the truth. I struggled with words, knowing that I wasn't ready for this. "Edward, there's something I have to–"

The phone rang, interrupting my confession. Sighing, I crossed the room to answer it. "Hello?"

"May I speak with Bella Swan?"

I'd recognize that voice anywhere. "This is she," I replied shakily.

"Bella, this is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I'm calling from the hospital in Forks." How could his voice both comfort and terrify me at the same time?

"Is something wrong?" I asked. "My father?"

He answered, and I felt my heart stop in my chest. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. Charlie's been shot."


	12. Forks

_A/N: _

_So real life hit me hard this week. I had exams, and failing out of school is NOT part of my long-term plan. Sorry for leaving you guys hanging here for so long!_

_Okay to clear up some questions from previous chapters:_

_1. Yes, the Detroit Tigers really did go to the MLB playoffs (shocker, I know). In 2006, the year in which this story takes place, the Tigers won the AL pennant. They then went on to lose the World Series against the Cardinals. For the record, when Edward offers condolences to Bella's father regarding the Mariners, it's because the Mariners finished dead last in their division that year. Ouch. All information regarding the series came from the MLB website._

_2. As for who remembers what, Fontaine said at the beginning that things would remain as close to the original truth as possible, because she couldn't change the timeline all that much. So most events still took place (like Phoenix, etc), but the Cullens/other people might remember it differently. Bella remembers everything the way it really happened, because her mind works differently from everyone else and it wasn't changed._

_Hope that clears things up! I want to give a shout out to my two personal betas, Aly and EJ (NOT the singing group) who have been encouraging me so much. Thanks as well to all the reviewers! Some of you don't have accounts, so I can't respond to your reviews personally. Please know that your kind words mean so much to me._

~B~E~B~E~B~

Edward took the phone even as I felt the blood drain from my face. Things moved very quickly after that. He spoke with Carlisle and made several other phone calls, writing notes in his PDA as he talked. In less than ten minutes he had my suitcase packed and was walking me out to the car. I tried to protest, knowing that there was no way I could get a flight to Seattle this late at night, but he told me that he had taken care of everything.

He pulled up in front of his house and escorted me inside. "I apologize for the delay, but I have to pack a few things. I'll only be a minute."

Gradually it began to sink in that he meant to accompany me. "Edward," I began, but he was already heading up to his room.

Elizabeth was waiting for him at the top of the stairs, her face concerned. They spoke quietly, but I could still hear some of what was said.

"…_arrangements made at the airport, and there'll be a car waiting for you when you get there. Are you sure….what about school?"_

"…_going, Liz. What do you want....let her go by herself? You know what she might be facing..." _

When he returned a few minutes later, I said, "Edward, maybe you shouldn't come with me. You have school, and I don't want you to get in trouble." I didn't want to go by myself, but I was feeling guilty about causing problems with his family.

He wrapped his arms around me and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "I'm going. We'll deal with the details when we get back." Gazing into my eyes, he said, "You're everything to me, Bella, and I'm not letting you go through this alone."

As I looked at him, captivated by the love and intensity I saw in his eyes, I thought about the promise he had made to never leave me again. He had meant it, I realized. Even when I'd tried to set him free for his own good, even when he no longer remembered our life together, he had found his way back to me. In the midst of my worry and concern, I was filled with a wave of gratitude so overwhelming that it almost brought me to my knees. Lifting my face to his, I kissed him with a depth that tore through both our souls. "Thank you," I whispered.

He held me in his arms, and for a moment there was peace. Finally he stepped away and brushed a tear from my cheek. "Don't cry, Bella," he murmured.

Elizabeth entered the room, carrying a bag and a small cooler like they were a peace offering. "I packed some food and a bag for the hospital. It's the basic survival kit – blankets, pillows, books, cash for the vending machines – you know the drill."

"That I do," he murmured. I took the bags as he wrapped his sister in a tight hug. "Thanks, Liz," he said gratefully.

"Take care, baby brother." She smiled up at him before surprising me with a hug as well. "I hope everything goes well with your father, Bella."

"Thank you," I replied, wishing there was some way I could tell her how much I appreciated her support.

I followed Edward out to the car, wondering what he had planned. "We really can't get a flight to Seattle this late," I warned him.

He lifted my hand and brushed it with a kiss. "Trust me?" he asked.

After everything that had happened, how could I not? "Yes," I answered, and I let him lead the way.

There was a private plane waiting for us at the airport. Edward introduced the pilot as a friend of the family and helped me into the cabin as our suitcases were stowed. "We're flying into Port Angeles, and we'll take a car from there."

It boggled the mind. Once the plane was in the air, I asked, "Edward, how did you manage all of this?"

He shrugged uncomfortably. "My family has money. My father's been on the phone ever since I called him from your apartment."

I looked at him, staggered at what his parents would do for a girl they'd never even met – a girl who was flying all the way to the coast with their seventeen-year-old son. "I'll pay them back," I promised. Even if it took several years, I would repay every penny.

His eyes flashed. "No, you won't. This is a gift, Bella, because you shouldn't have to worry about trivial things like plane tickets while your father's having surgery." Sighing, he ran his hand through his hair as he studied my mutinous face. "Look…my parents' money couldn't save Edmund. What it _could_ do was enable them to give him a proper funeral with no concern about expense. It let my mother pick out a beautiful cemetery plot so she has a nice place to visit her eldest son. And it gave them the resources to make sure that their youngest child had the rehabilitation he needed to recover from a horrific accident." He glared at me, trying to drive his point home. "Money doesn't mean anything unless you can use it to help the ones you love, Bella. Without that, it's just a bunch of worthless paper."

I flinched from the weight of his anger, feeling deeply, sorrowfully ashamed. Every time that Edward had tried to do something nice for me, he had been expressing his love for me. I had thrown that all back in his face, refusing the gesture and negating the emotion behind it. Edward had tried to explain it to me before, but I'd never really grasped it until this moment. Now part of Edward – the part who would know what a discovery this was for me – was gone, and I would never get the chance to tell him that I finally understood. "I'm sorry," I whispered, tears filling my eyes. "Edward, I'm so very sorry."

He studied me, and his face relaxed. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be speaking of such things now, while you're worried about your father."

Charlie. For a moment, I'd forgotten. How much more guilt could one person carry? I closed my eyes, filled with self-loathing, fear, remorse…the emotions were flying at me so fast that I was drowning.

As always, Edward was my anchor. "Bella…" He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close to his chest. "Please don't worry. I spoke to my mom about your father's injuries, and she said there's a good chance he'll make a full recovery. If Dr. Cullen is a good surgeon–"

"He's the best," I said staunchly. "Amazing."

His eyes met mine. "Good," he said slowly. "Okay, then things look good. Try not to worry, Bella. We'll know more when we arrive, but for now we should get some sleep."

I shook my head. "I don't know if I can," I admitted.

"Just try," he said. He pressed a button on the panel above us and spoke with the pilot, and a moment later the lights in the cabin dimmed. Reaching into the bag Elizabeth had packed, he took out a blanket and spread it over us. "Close your eyes, love. Rest against me."

Surrounded by his warmth and scent, I drifted off faster than I would have thought possible, stirring only once when the plane landed for refueling. We reached Port Angeles a few hours later, and a car was waiting for us as promised. I couldn't begin to imagine how Edward's parents had arranged for a rental car for two people under the age of twenty-one in the middle of the night. We loaded our bags and headed to the highway, toward the town where I had met my destiny. I looked at that destiny, currently sitting in the seat beside me, and I wondered what we would find at the other end of the road.

Even human, Edward still retained so much of his own unique nature. His personality, the way he phrased things, the passion with which he approached every aspect of life – all those things were still intact. Subconsciously he seemed to remember me; his body and heart responded to mine as if we had never parted. I wondered whether our return to Forks would uncover more similarities, whether he would recognize or be recognized by someone. I panicked at the thought. The truth would have to be revealed at some point, but I was terrified he'd leave once he knew what I'd done.

We were nearing Forks, and my thoughts turned to Charlie. I couldn't lose him. It sounds crazy, because just a few weeks ago I was ready to walk away from him forever, but this was different. If I'd left, at least I would have known that Charlie was alive. It was another thing altogether for him to die. I had always been a little too grown up in my relationship with my parents, but that hadn't changed the fact that I was still their daughter. Deep inside, I was still Daddy's little girl. If he died now, then it truly meant that it was time for me to be the adult. I wasn't ready for that. I wouldn't ever be ready, not even if he lived another fifty years. Even if he made it through the surgery, I was going to have to see him sick and broken in a hospital bed – this man who had always seemed larger than life to me. I didn't know where I was going to find the strength to do that.

Then we were there, and there was no more time to worry. It was time to _do_. So I took a deep breath and opened the car door, reminding myself that life really was just the act of continuing to put one foot in front of the other until you'd reached the goal. I remembered a teacher I'd once had who'd told us a joke: _How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time._ I laughed quietly, gripped Edward's hand so hard it made my arm hurt, and walked into the hospital.

The emergency room staff knew me; I'd helped pay their salaries for the better part of the last two years. One of the nurses asked for Dr. Cullen to be paged and led us into a waiting room. "Chief Swan made it through the surgery just fine. From what I hear, Dr. Cullen did a beautiful job."

I nodded, my eyes searching her face anxiously for more answers. "May I see him?"

"As soon as you speak to the doctor. They've moved your dad up to the ICU." When she saw my startled look, she patted my hand. "Please don't worry about that. The main reason we placed him there is because we had an available bed, and he can get more individual nursing care. He'll probably be moved to a regular room after a few days."

I nodded again to show that I understood, but my mind still rejected her words. _Intensive Care._ God, he must be really sick. It wasn't fair – none of it was fair. He shouldn't have gotten shot, and he shouldn't be in the hospital, and I shouldn't have left him, and why did it all have to be so _hard_? Just like that, the panic that had been building in me for weeks broke loose. I could feel myself hyperventilating; my skin grew hot and then clammy as the room started to whirl around me dizzyingly.

Edward's strong arms encircled me as he pulled me tightly to his chest. "It's okay, Bella," he said firmly. "Everything's going to be all right. Just breathe. Come on, love. One breath after another, you can do it. Slow and easy…" Over and over his voice coached me, his hands stroking my back until I felt the madness start to recede.

Finally I leaned my head into his shoulder and relaxed. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Nothing to be sorry for," he whispered in reply. "Okay now?"

I nodded against his neck. "Thanks for sticking with me."

He kissed the top of my head. "Anytime."

I heard Carlisle enter the room, but of course that was only because he made noise so he wouldn't startle the humans. "Is everything all right?" he asked, looking at me with concern as I trembled in Edward's arms.

Gently I pushed away from Edward and turned to face the man who would have been my father-in-law. "I'm fine now; it all just caught up with me at once. The nurse said my father is doing well?"

He smiled, and the beauty of it calmed me. "Very well. He came through the surgery just as I'd hoped. I can give you more details later if you'd like, but for now just know that he should make a full recovery."

I reached out to take his hand, loving the feel of his cold skin against mine. I'd missed him – all of them – so very much. "Thank you, Carlisle," I said quietly.

If my physical closeness or the use of his first name startled him, he didn't show it. "It was my pleasure, Bella.

"What happened?" I asked.

He grimaced. "Your father and another officer were responding to a domestic disturbance call. The husband had been drinking, and he fired through the window when your father walked to the door."

I shook my head, angry. "I never imagined that something like that could happen here." Werewolves and newborn vampire armies, sure. Domestic violence? Not so much.

"It can happen anywhere, I'm afraid." He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. "If you don't mind, I'll have the nurse take you upstairs to see him while I make a quick trip home. I was waiting until you got here, although I must say you arrived earlier than I expected. You made excellent time."

"I had help," I admitted. "Carlisle, I'd like you to meet my friend, Edward Masen. His family arranged for transportation to get me to Forks as quickly as possible." I held my breath, studying the faces of the two men I dearly loved as I wondered what this reunion would bring.

Carlisle nodded at Edward but continued to hold my hand in his. I knew he tried to avoid shaking hands when possible because he was so cold. "Edward," he said politely.

Edward studied him, and there was a hint of aggression in his eyes as he slightly returned the nod. "Dr. Cullen," he replied. "Thank you for taking care of Bella's father. My mother is an anesthesiologist with the University of Michigan. If it's all right with Bella, would you mind discussing the case with her?"

Carlisle looked at me. "Bella?" At my nod, he said, "Certainly. Please give your mother's information to the nursing staff, and I'll be happy to speak with her."

"Thank you," Edward replied tightly, his eyes never leaving Carlisle's face.

It was surreal. They were both being unfailingly polite, but there was the unmistakable air of hostility between them. I had been worried that meeting Carlisle would trigger all of Edward's memories, and yet the two men didn't even seem to _like_ each other. At least, Edward seemed determined to dislike Carlisle; Carlisle on the other hand was too well-bred to express much of anything. "It's no problem," he assured us, his voice as calm as ever. "I'll be back in a few hours, but feel free to have the nurse contact me if you have any concerns." Squeezing my hand gently, he left.

I turned to look at Edward. "What was _that_ about?" I asked him.

"Nothing," Edward replied, but his voice was distracted and he continued to stare after Carlisle. Finally he shook his head and turned back to look at me. "I know you're ready to see your father."

I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking, but the stubborn look on his face warned me that answers would not be forthcoming. Sighing, I resolved not to pursue it – at least not for now. "Charlie," I agreed, standing to my feet.

It was as difficult as I'd feared. Charlie lay, pale and still, against white sheets in a darkened hospital room. Monitors and wires were everywhere, and the muted voices and sounds around us underlined that this was a place for people who were severely ill. No matter what Carlisle said, I would feel much better once Charlie woke up and could be moved into another room. I took his hand in mine, wondering how he could look so much smaller than I remembered. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but one of them was the most important. Leaning down, I pressed a gentle kiss against his cheek. "I love you, Dad," I whispered. Then I closed my eyes and cried.

After awhile, Edward left to give me some time alone with my dad. There are certain parts of one's life that should remain private, I think. I talked to Charlie, telling him things that I'd never had the courage to say before. Some of the things I needed to say were so personal that I couldn't even voice them, and so my heart whispered them instead. What was shared in that half hour was between Charlie and me. When it was over, I dried my tears and walked out of the room.

Edward was sitting in the waiting area. As soon as he saw me, he stood and opened his arms. It was so nice to step into his embrace, to be covered with the strength and reassurance of his love. My cheek was turned to his chest, and his chin rested on top of my head. "Okay?" he asked.

"I will be." I tightened my arms around him for another wonderful moment before stepping back. "I need to call Renee." When I'd turned eighteen, Charlie had changed all of his emergency information to list me as next of kin. From what I could tell, nobody had contacted Renee after the shooting. Dreading the next few minutes, I took out my cell phone and dialed Jacksonville.

The call went about as well as could be expected. Renee predictably freaked out upon hearing the news, and I spent most of the phone call calming her down. After finally convincing her that Charlie was fine and that she didn't have to get on the next flight to Forks, I promised to call her with frequent updates and hung up. Sighing, I turned to face Edward. "I'm glad that's over."

He was frowning. "Did she even ask if _you_ were okay?"

I smiled ruefully. "Yes, of course she did. Not right away, but it was in there somewhere."

"Is that what life with your mother was like?" His eyes were concerned.

"Yes, but it's fine," I replied. "She's always been like that, and I love her."

"You said that you used to cook for your dad when you lived with him, right?" When I nodded, he put his arm around me. "You take care of people, Bella, but nobody takes care of you, do they?"

I thought about it. My dad put tires on my truck and tried to watch out for me, but he tended to step back if things got too messy. Edward used to protect me, of course, but that was before everything changed. "I guess I've been on my own," I admitted.

His arm tightened. "Not anymore," he said gruffly.

I leaned against him and closed my eyes. In all honesty, this was one of the reasons I had fallen in love with Edward in the first place: he made me feel safe. It might not sound very romantic, and I'm sure it wasn't considered acceptable by modern standards, but I didn't care. When you've spent your whole life trying to take care of everyone around you…knowing that if it was going to get done, you had to do it yourself…then it was so _nice_ to finally have someone you could trust to catch you when you fell. If I hurt, Edward would heal me. If I shattered, he would pick up every piece and put it back where it belonged. The best part about it was my complete assurance that the man I'd chosen to give this trust to was worthy of the gift. His heart was pure, and he would love and protect me to the best of his ability. I rested in his arms, and it was so _comfortable_. "I'm glad you're here," I murmured, and I meant it with all of my heart.

He kissed my forehead. "I wouldn't be anywhere else," he replied.

Eventually I stretched out on the couch and went to sleep with my head in his lap. When I woke a couple of hours later, we shared some of the food that Elizabeth had made while we talked about nothing in particular.

Carlisle walked into the waiting room as we were finishing our snack. Was it my imagination, or did he study my face a little too carefully as he approached? I couldn't tell from his voice, which was as smooth as ever as he told me that Charlie continued to do well. "He'll start waking up more as the day progresses, and we might be able to move him into a regular room as early as tomorrow."

"That's great, Carlisle. Thank you so much." I took his hand again, almost as an experiment this time, and there it was – a subtle shift of the eyes that told me he had noticed, and he was thinking.

Edward had shifted into defensive mode the moment Carlisle walked through the door, and he interrupted the moment to ask if his mother had been contacted.

Carlisle turned to look at him. "I called Dr. Masen a few minutes ago. She's an admirable woman and quite knowledgeable; it was a pleasure speaking with her." When Edward nodded curtly, I could swear that I saw Carlisle smile just a little bit. He quickly covered his mouth and pretended to cough before saying, "I have some paperwork to handle, but I'll be available if you have questions."

I thanked him again and managed to control myself until he left. Then I looked at Edward. "Okay, that's enough. What is going on with you and Carlisle?"

"Don't you mean Dr. Cullen?" he asked, scowling.

I rolled my eyes. "_Edward_."

He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Why don't you tell me, Bella?"

My heart skipped a beat. Did he remember? "I don't know what you mean," I whispered.

His eyes pinned mine. "It's him, isn't it? Cullen is the man you loved."

It shocked me so much that I couldn't think for a moment. Then I choked out a laugh. "Carlisle? It's not Carlisle." _You're getting warmer, though._

"You can tell me the truth, Bella. He's young and very attractive. It would be understandable." He tried to take my hand.

I pulled away, irritated. "He's married, Edward."

He shrugged. "That doesn't stop a lot of people."

"It stops me!" I protested, my heart stinging at his implication.

Immediately he realized his mistake. "I didn't mean it like that. I swear, Bella – I would never think that of you. I just wondered if maybe Cullen had lied to you, and you left once you found out."

His clarification helped a bit, but not enough. "Carlisle wouldn't do that," I insisted.

He sighed. "Okay. I apologize. It's just that I can't help but think he's involved somehow in what's going on with you. I don't trust him, Bella. There's something about him that sets me on edge, something that just isn't right about him. Can't you sense it?"

"I don't sense anything," I said stubbornly. My heart was breaking as I looked at Edward's chiseled jaw. I wasn't sure what I had expected from Edward traveling with me to Forks, but this wasn't it. "Carlisle is a good person, Edward. You should give him a chance."

If anything, his jaw clenched even tighter. "That's another thing," he bit out. "How is it that you know him well enough to call him by his first name? _Carlisle_," he spat, and it sounded like a curse.

I threw my arms up in the air. "This is _me_ we're talking about, Edward! How many times do you think I've been treated in this hospital, anyway? Besides, his daughter, Alice, was my best friend during high school." That was as close to the truth as I dared go.

He laughed mockingly. "Tell me another one, Bella. The good doctor's not old enough to have a daughter your age."

"She's adopted!" I cried, my voice definitely too loud for a hospital waiting room. "Dr. Cullen and his wife have adopted kids, because that's what kind of people they are…_good_ people. The best." I'd reached my limit. Not wanting him to see my tears, I moved to a couch on the opposite side of the room and covered my face with my hands.

I felt him come to kneel in front of me, his hands gently pulling mine away from my tear-stained cheeks. "Ah, Bella. Please don't cry. I didn't mean to make you unhappy." His voice was tortured as he said, "I'm being such a monster to you."

My head snapped up, and I glared at him with more fury than I'd felt in a very long time. "You are _not_ a monster!" I whispered fiercely. "Don't you _ever_ say that again."

I could tell I'd startled him. "Okay, okay. Shh…" He gathered me in his arms. "I'm sorry, love." He sighed. "It's no excuse, but hospitals are…difficult…for me. They bring up a lot of bad memories. I'm sorry for taking that out on you."

I was still hurting, but I couldn't stay angry when I saw the pain in his eyes. "Oh, Edward," I sighed. Leaning forward, I pressed my forehead to his. "I didn't even think about that. Do you want to get out of here?"

"Will you come with me?" he asked. "I don't want to leave you, but I think I need to get out for awhile."

As much as it pained me to admit it, maybe it would be better if we spent some time apart. "Why don't you go to the house?" I suggested. "I want to see Charlie again, but I'll get someone to give me a ride in awhile."

He pulled back to look at me, his eyes scanning my face anxiously. "Are you sure? I can stay."

I kissed him gently. "No. Go to my dad's house; I'll give you directions. Maybe you can plan some kind of dinner? I don't care what it is, so long as I don't have to cook it."

Something in my face must have convinced him, because he nodded and stood. "Okay." He pulled me into his embrace. "I really do love you, Bella."

I smiled. "I know." I watched him leave, my mind filled with so many confusing questions that I didn't even know where to start looking for answers.

"Bella?" To my surprise, Carlisle was standing in the doorway. "Could I speak with you a moment?"

I looked at him, and something in his face told me that the time had finally come. Taking a deep breath, I replied, "Of course."

Calm eyes studied me. "Perhaps my office?"

I nodded and followed him, wondering what I was going to say. How did someone even begin to explain a lie of this magnitude?

Ever the perfect gentleman, he escorted me into his office and closed the door behind us. Gesturing for me to take a seat by his desk, he moved to sit beside me. "I apologize, but I couldn't help overhearing some of your conversation just now. I've been wondering about some things since you came into the emergency room a few weeks ago, and your return to Forks has only raised more questions for me. And…as much as I appreciate your rousing endorsement of my family, I have to admit that in all of her time at Forks High School, Alice never mentioned you."

I bowed my head. "Stupid perceptive vampires," I muttered, and then I closed my eyes when I heard him stop breathing.

When I finally found the courage to look up at him, it was to find golden eyes staring at me as if their owner hoped to see straight through to my soul. "I'm not sure what you mean," he said stiffly.

I laughed and ran a shaky hand through my hair. "You don't have to pretend, Carlisle. I know what you are." Looking at him pleadingly, I continued, "I want you to know that I mean absolutely no harm to you or your family. I would never say anything that might get you into trouble. But I know everything – I know that you're vampires, and that you live together as a family instead of a coven, and that you hunt animals instead of drinking human blood." I spoke quietly, concerned that someone might overhear. "I know that Esme is the sweetest woman I've ever met and that she loves being a mother to your children. Emmett is happy and makes people laugh, and Rosalie struggles with anger because of a life that she never wanted. Jasper still isn't very good at maintaining your family's chosen diet, and Alice…" Finally my voice began to break. "Alice is light and joy and every good thing that ever existed, wrapped up in a little bundle of energy with a serious shopping problem." Ever so slowly, I reached out to place my hand on his. "And you…you are the wisest, kindest person I've ever known. I _know_ you."

Still he had not moved. Finally he opened his mouth to speak, and he only asked one thing. "_How?_"

I gathered courage from the cold eternity of his hand. Taking a deep breath, I said, "Because two months ago, I was supposed to become your daughter-in-law."


	13. Carlisle

It's a good rule of thumb never to play poker with vampires. When I dropped what I considered to be a rather large bombshell about my relationship with his family, Carlisle's expression didn't change a bit. His eyes continued to study my face, and then finally he said calmly, "Both of my sons are already married."

I couldn't be as impassive as he was, but I'd give it my best shot. "The sons that you remember," I countered blandly, and I had the satisfaction of seeing his eyes widen almost imperceptibly. To another human it would have been unnoticeable, but I'd spent the last two years learning how to read vampires.

"If you know me as well as you say you do, then you know that I don't forget things," he said carefully.

_Here goes nothing._ "Not unless something – or someone – makes you forget." My voice broke just a little on the last word, and I pressed my lips together tightly. _Oh God._ How was I going to do this?

He was Carlisle, so of course he couldn't stand to see anyone hurting. His eyes softened as he smiled at me, and I felt the same wonderful contentment I had always felt in his presence. His compassion was such a gift. I wondered, not for the first time, if God had allowed Carlisle to be changed so that more generations could be graced with his talent. It made sense to me, anyway.

His voice soothed me as he said gently, "Bella, why don't you start at the beginning? Tell me everything. Don't worry it it's in order or if it makes sense; I'll figure it out. I won't question your sanity, either – except for the fact that you're voluntarily sitting alone in a room with a vampire, of course." His eyes twinkled at me.

I laughed. "Your family used to joke about my survival instincts," I said, and my eyes grew misty.

He smiled, but he wasn't distracted. "It sounds like you have some great memories, and I'd like to share them. Tell me, please?"

Still I hesitated. "It's a long story," I warned.

"I have time. I'm not actually on duty right now; I just came to the hospital to check on your father." He nodded his head in my direction. "I also wanted to see you again, to see if I could make sense of the thoughts I've been having. You're safe here, Bella. I promise I'll do whatever I can to help."

I raised a shaking hand to wipe tears from my eyes. "I'm not sure anyone _can_ help, but okay." Taking a deep breath, I let it out with a sigh. "Emmett is not your oldest son. You had another son…Edward."

"The boy you were with earlier?" he asked, surprised. "But he's human."

"He's human _now_," I corrected.

Carlisle seemed to become even more still. A thousand possibilities filled his eyes as he considered what my words might mean…not just as an explanation for my story, but also for his family. "I see. And you…have you always been human?"

Laughing bitterly, I replied, "Oh yes, always human. I'm human, he was a vampire, and we loved each other." I was no longer looking at him. "Maybe that's why we had so much trouble making it work. We tried to defy nature, and we lost." Staring off into the distance, I watched memories that only I could see. "So…the beginning. Edward was born in Chicago in 1901. When he was seventeen, he and his parents came down with the Spanish flu. His father died, then his mother. You were working at the hospital there, and you decided to change him rather than watch him die. His mother, Elizabeth, begged you to save him. Something in what she said convinced you that she knew, or at least suspected, that you were different from the other doctors. You'd been thinking about something like this for awhile – you were so lonely – and you decided to try."

"Elizabeth Masen," Carlisle whispered. Was it possible for a vampire to sound stunned? "I remember her and her husband, but there was no son."

"There was, before everything changed," I said quietly. "You made him a vampire, and he became your companion."

"A companion. Did he accept it, then? Was he happy?" he asked, and I could tell from his voice how much it mattered.

I drew in a shallow breath. I didn't want to lie anymore, but how could I tell the truth without hurting his feelings? "Edward…didn't like being a vampire. He never adjusted to it completely, but over time he learned to live as you did. He loved you – you both loved each other dearly – and you weren't alone anymore. Then you found Esme, and your family had a wife and mother…" So I told him the story, filling in all of the details that I knew until I reached my first day of school at Forks High. I told him of an angry young man with dark eyes who thought my blood smelled better than anything he'd encountered in all of his existence.

He gasped. "It's a miracle he didn't kill you right there in the lab!"

I smiled ruefully. "He almost did. I don't know how he found the strength to fight it; it must have seemed like he'd spent his whole life preparing for that one hour. He left town that day." On and on I talked, about how he'd come back from Alaska, homesick and determined not to let one "insignificant little girl" keep him away from his family. How he'd found my scent to be as strong as ever, so he had started talking to me to try and convince himself not to kill me. How our conversations had led to love. I spoke of the first time I'd met the family and the disastrous game of baseball that had caused so much destruction. Carlisle listened, horrified, as I described the standoff in Phoenix.

He took my arm, running his finger over the scar. "It's obvious, now that I know where to look. I thought…my memory was that you fell down some stairs and through a window."

"That was the cover story that Alice created. What really happened was that James bit me, and Edward sucked the venom out because he didn't want me to change." I pressed my lips together, remembering all of the many times we had fought about that subject. Remembering all of the trouble it had caused. "He was different after that. We were still together, but there were times that I could tell he was worried. Then…something happened." I refused to say what. If Jasper no longer remembered the lapse that had tortured him, I wasn't about to bring it up. Some memories were better left buried. "Something bad, and it was the last straw. Edward left, thinking that it would be safer for me if he wasn't in my life."

"Perhaps he was right," Carlisle said quietly.

I glared at him. "Tell me something, Carlisle. Imagine for a moment that you could no longer be with Esme. What would it be like to know that she was out there somewhere, to live _every day_ with the love that you have for her, and not be able to be with her?"

The amount of pain that crossed his face was staggering. "It would be unbearable," he conceded.

I nodded. "That's what he left me with…a pain that couldn't be borne. He left, and you all went with him. I lost all of you in one horrible moment, and I thought I would go insane." I spoke about the rest of that terrible period as quickly as I could, trying to get through it before I broke down. It was still too painful to think about.

When I described Alice's return to Forks and our subsequent flight to Italy, Carlisle was astonished. "You…you went to Volterra? You risked your life for my son?"

My eyes met his. "I love him." There was a world of hope and pain in that statement.

Carlisle looked at me for a long moment before nodding. "He's lucky to have you," he said, and a smile crossed his lips.

_I'm not so sure he'd agree, once he knows the truth._ Shaking my head to quell the thought, I returned to the story. I talked about the promise Alice made to Aro and the family's vote to change me. I told him that I had eventually agreed to marry Edward, and I described the terror of the battle with the newborns. Finally I reached the night of the carnival, a couple of weeks before our wedding. I stopped, exhausted.

Carlisle sat for awhile, thinking about all that he'd heard. Then he said slowly, "We did leave, just about the time that you said we did. Jasper…what I remember is that Jasper had a bad moment with a girl who walked too close to the house, and he almost attacked her. He _would_ have attacked her, if Emmett hadn't stopped him. He left for awhile, and the whole family decided to move, trying to deal with what had happened." His gaze pierced through me.

It took everything I had not to wince. I held his gaze, determined not to let my face show anything. "Please don't ask me," I said quietly.

He nodded, and sorrow filled his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he tried to compose himself. "So…tell me about Edward. What's he like?"

I smiled, glad to have happy memories that I could give him. "He's wonderful. He loved you and Esme so much, and he was the center of the family in a lot of ways. He was the first, you see. It made him special – no, he was special just because he was Edward. He went to medical school twice, but he never practiced. He's a musician; he plays the piano more beautifully than anyone I've ever known." I was switching between past and present tense, and wasn't that just a perfect example of how confused I was? Shutting the door firmly on my doubts, I focused on things that would always be true, in this reality or any other. "He's a good man. Honorable, brave, kind. You would be proud of him."

Carlisle's face was wistful. "I wish I could remember," he said softly.

Tears filled my eyes. "So do I," I whispered.

He looked at me. "Why _don't_ I remember? What happened?"

So here we were. I could no longer deny what I'd done. Wiping my cheeks, I sighed and said, "It's my fault. I did something – something that I thought was right – but it didn't work the way it was supposed to." I told him everything, from the carnival, to meeting Fontaine, to making the wish, to waking up in my present nightmare. I talked and talked, tears pouring down my face as I relived the hell of the last two months. It was almost as if I left the room as I spoke, walking through my memories as the ghosts of grief and remorse paced by my side. Then it was done, and I was safe in Carlisle's office as he watched me with worried eyes.

He took my hand in his. "I'm sorry you've had such a terrible time." Sighing, he continued, "Still…you should have asked him. It was a choice that should have been made together."

I nodded, stricken. "I know," I admitted, "but he was so _sad_. He wanted to be human so much…"

"Perhaps it was wrong of me to change him," Carlisle said.

"No!" I protested, my voice suddenly loud in the quiet room. "If you hadn't, I would never have met him, and I'm grateful every day that I did. No matter what, I was destined to love him." I smiled at him tremulously. "It wasn't all bad, Carlisle; I promise. There were a lot of good moments, and you really were a family. It's just that I was given the chance to do something that I felt I had to do, even if it was wrong. I mean…he's _human_ again." When you got right down to the fact of it, it was amazing.

He nodded. "Yes. I have a lot of questions about that, but perhaps now is not the time. I do wonder if I could – may I?" He raised my arm to his face, turning my wrist to his lips.

I had no idea what he wanted, but I trusted him. "Of course," I replied.

He smiled. "Alone in a room with a vampire who's holding your wrist to his teeth, and still you remain calm. I may have to rethink my original assessment of your sanity," he teased. Lowering his nose to my skin, he inhaled. "I thought so," he murmured. Releasing my hand, he sat back. "One day a couple of months ago, I came home from work to find that a human scent permeated the house. The others were out of town, but the scent lingered even after they returned." He smirked. "Rose complained about it for the better part of a week. We couldn't decide what had caused it. That must have been the day…"

"…that I came to say goodbye," I finished.

He nodded. "I noticed the scent when you came into the ER the next day, and you seemed to react to me somehow…like you hoped that I would know you. Then Alice mentioned your phone call. I've been wondering ever since."

We both sat in silence for a moment. I felt like I had used every word in the English language over the course of the past hour, and there wasn't anything left. "What do I do now?" I asked, and immediately I felt guilty. I had created this mess; it wasn't fair to ask Carlisle to help fix it.

Thankfully he was far too kind to tell me to handle my own problems. He sighed and answered, "I need to think about this for awhile, and you should go visit your father. We'll speak again tomorrow." He stood and escorted me to his door. "Bella…are you going to tell Edward?"

"Yes. There's no way we can continue to be together unless he knows the truth." I eyed him warily. "I know it's supposed to be a secret…"

He shook his head. "No, I think you're right. Humans aren't supposed to know about us, but this is clearly an unusual circumstance. You can't tell anyone else, of course."

"I know." Standing next to him, I realized that I didn't want to leave. It was so nice to share this burden with someone, and having a few minutes with Carlisle made me feel like my old life wasn't so very far away. "Thank you for listening to me, Carlisle," I said. Then I did something that probably surprised him, but I needed it so much. I slipped my arms around his neck and hugged him. "I've missed you."

He became very still. Finally his arms crept around my waist, and he returned my embrace. "So brave for someone so young," he murmured. "I think I would have enjoyed having you as a daughter-in-law, Isabella Swan."

I leaned against his chest, and a few tears leaked onto his shirt. I felt the gentle brush of his lips against my hair.

He stepped away and raised his hand to dry my face. "Until tomorrow, then." He smiled at me. "Try not to worry, Bella; we'll figure something out."

I nodded and left his office, feeling more peaceful than I had in a very long time. I spent some more time with Charlie; he woke enough to recognize me and ask where he was. Explaining as best as I could, I told him I loved him. I left the hospital a few hours later, eager to see Edward again.

I stood in front of Charlie's house, thanking the tech who'd given me a ride. The rental car was there, so apparently Edward had found the place okay. Opening the front door, I called out cheerfully, "Edward, I'm home! Charlie woke up; I got to talk to him. I really think he's going to be okay."

Silence greeted me. I looked around uneasily, realizing that none of the lights were on. I didn't smell anything cooking either; Edward was supposed to be getting dinner ready. Walking down the hall, I called his name again. "Edward?" Finally acknowledging that he wasn't downstairs, I walked up to the second floor, my heart pounding in my chest. What if he wasn't here? What if something had happened to him? I'd brought him with me to _Forks_…where there were werewolves and vampires. Edward was a human now, easily breakable. What had I been thinking?

When I caught a glimpse of him through the partially opened door to my room, I let out a relieved sigh. "There you are! You must not have heard me calling you; it scared–"

I stopped talking as I entered the room, my mind instantly shutting down as I viewed the scene in front of me. Edward sat on my bed, my purse and its belongings strewn around him. My purse…that I had left in the car…that he would have had to open in order to get the house key. The velvet bag lay forgotten on the floor. My engagement ring and the jade butterfly were in Edward's lap, and his hand crumpled the note that bore proof of my betrayal. He stared, unseeing, at the evidence, and I felt icy fingers wrap around my heart.

"Edward?" I whispered, frightened. _I can explain…_

Finally he looked up at me, his face in agony. "Bella," he replied, his voice tortured. His jaw clenched, and when he continued speaking each word seemed as if it cost him his soul. "_What is this?_"

I opened my mouth, but all that came out was a weak sob. Staring at him, I shattered as the force of his anger and pain washed over me. I tried to move toward him…I wanted to beg his forgiveness…I wept for making the damn wish in the first place…I needed…I loved…I bled…

I felt the dark wind of grief pierce my heart, and I fell to the floor. The last thing I saw was the unforgiving anguish in his eyes.


	14. Edward

**A/N: So here it is; I hope it doesn't disappoint. Real life starts for me again tomorrow, so I wanted to get this out before things get crazy again. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. Your encouragement means so much to me!**

There was no Edward hovering over me anxiously when I woke up in my bed. I looked around the room frantically, only catching my breath when I saw him sitting in the rocking chair across the way. It was a familiar moment for me, and I was flooded with memories of times when Edward had been upset about something or I had pushed our boundaries too far. I recognized this scene in the play of our lives: suffering in opposite corners of the room as an insurmountable difference separated us. The fading light from the window fell on his profile, and he almost looked like the vampire he had once been. Almost.

"Edward?" I whispered fearfully.

He didn't look at me, continuing to stare at the ring he held in his hand. "This ring belongs to my family," he said. "I've seen it before, in a portrait that hangs in my parents' house. There was an argument a long time ago, and the family split. One brother stayed in Chicago, the other moved to Michigan, and they never spoke again. The ring remained with the Chicago side of the family. My grandfather tried to trace the ring and several other items, only to find that everyone on that side of the family had died soon after the split and all of the family heirlooms were missing or destroyed. It was years ago, of course…long before I was born."

I stared at him, hardly daring to breathe. _Oh Edward, if only you knew._

He held the ring up in the early evening light, turning it from side to side as he studied the setting. "So tell me, Isabella…how is it that you happen to have possession of this ring?"

My throat was dry with terror; I had to swallow twice before I could speak. "You gave it to me," I said. "Five months ago."

His expression never altered. "And what was my name, when I gave you this ring?"

I twisted my hands in the comforter. "Edward Anthony Masen…Cullen."

His jaw tightened, and his hand clenched around the ring so tightly that the stones must have been digging into his skin. Finally he looked at me, his eyes raking my skin with burning fury. "I'm intrigued, Bella. You're claiming that I gave you a ring four months before we'd ever met, and you insist that I went by a name that I _know_ I never used. Why don't you explain to me, please, how these things could happen?"

I flinched, my heart rate increasing as I faced the anger that rolled off him in waves. "It's possible because you weren't what you are now."

"_What_ I am?" His voice mocked, but was there a flicker of recognition in his eyes? "What was I before?"

My heart was going to beat right out of my chest. "A vampire."

He stared at me until he realized that I wasn't going to look away. I couldn't; if I moved my head, I would be ill. Finally he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "That's absurd, Bella."

Except that it wasn't, and I could tell from the way he said it that he wasn't completely surprised. _He knew. _Or at least, he suspected. "Is it?" I asked softly.

He opened his eyes and glared at me. "You really believe that vampires exist."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "You've met Carlisle Cullen; you tell me."

He lifted one perfect brow. "So…what? I was a member of the perfect Cullen…gang? Mob? Pack?"

The last word broke the unnatural layer of calm that had settled around me. "_Coven_," I said sharply. "That's the word you're looking for; most vampires live in covens. The Cullens, however, prefer to think of themselves as a family."

He laughed hollowly. "How intimate."

Suddenly I was very tired. "Why aren't you more surprised?" I asked. "You should be calling the psychiatric hospital by now."

He stared at me for a long moment before rising to walk to the window. Staring out at the evening sky, he replied, "I've had dreams – fragments, mostly. Some are nightmares, others…" his eyes flickered to me "…others are something else entirely. They've become more vivid since I met you."

"Memories," I whispered.

He continued to look out the window. "You tell me," he said, mocking as he repeated my own words. His voice hardened, and it was a command. "Tell me everything."

It was his right to demand, and my duty to obey. I owed him. Whispering the truth into the sacred silence of the night, I told the story from beginning to end…word for word, desire for desire, sorrow for sorrow.

He remained by the window throughout the tale, one hand gripping the frame as the other clutched my precious engagement ring. His stillness was more vampire than human. When at last he spoke, his voice was perfectly measured…the eye of the hurricane, the calm in the midst of the storm…despair tightly leashed. "Is there anything else? Any other proof that you can give me?" He wanted me to say no.

In that moment, I would have given everything I had to wipe away all of his memories of me. I wished that he could just be human, happy and whole with his family in Phoenix. Better yet, I wished that he could have lived in 1918, fought his war and returned to raise a family and create his legacy like any other normal man. Never having met him, never having loved him – it would be worth it if I never again had to see the evidence of his sorrow. But I had learned my lesson about wishes; they weren't mine to make. I rose from my bed and walked over to my backpack. "You were a musician then, too. You played the piano better than anyone I've ever heard. I have a disc you made of some of your compositions."

I handed him the walkman and thought about which track to select. Not my lullaby…that was still mine alone. If I lost him, that song would be all I had left. So I selected another piece and waited in the quiet tension as he listened.

Finally he removed the head phones and bowed his head. "It's me," he murmured. "More complex than anything I can play, but I recognize the style."

I stood beside him in the darkness, waiting for the inevitable break. He might not let me pick up the pieces, but at least I could bear witness to the death of his innocence.

Then he looked at me, his eyes blazing with grief. "My name is Edward Anthony _Masen_," he whispered tremulously. "I was born on June 20, 1989, to John and Susan Masen. I have a sister named Elizabeth who's getting married in May; I'm supposed to be a groomsman. My brother, Edmund…" His voice broke. "He was _real_. He lived, and he died, and I loved him, and don't you _dare_ tell me he didn't exist. _Oh, God._" He crumpled into a shaking ball on the floor as he buried his face in his hands.

Immediately I knelt and reached to put my arms around him, but he wasn't ready for that. So instead I sat next to him, my hands wrapped around my knees and tears streaming down my face as he sobbed. I had never seen Edward – or anyone, for that matter – cry like this. There was a desperation to it, a hopelessness that spoke of childhood faith lost, of a grief so deep that there were no words. Edward had lost all hope once before, in a courtyard in Italy, and it had been a dark and terrible thing. _This_, however…this was the despair of a man who had discovered that his nightmares were real, that the fate he so utterly loathed had followed him to Heaven and was intent on dragging him back to Hell. I was Hell's messenger, and never before had I hated myself so thoroughly.

Finally, _mercifully_, the tears stopped. Leaning his head against the wall, he stared at the ceiling as he asked tonelessly, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Somehow I knew that, despite everything that had already been said, my answers to the next few questions would determine if our love lived or died. Taking a deep breath, I said carefully, "I was going to. Once I realized that we might still have a future together, I knew I would have to tell you the truth. I just needed time: for us to find our way together, for me to make peace with the past. Most importantly, I had to figure out _how_ to tell you.

He seemed to absorb that, thinking for awhile before giving the slightest of nods. "Okay. So explain this: why didn't you talk to me before you made the wish? It was _my_ life; they were _my_ memories. Shouldn't it have been _my_ choice?"

There was only one answer to that one. "Yes," I replied promptly. "I should have asked you, and I'm so very sorry."

At least he was looking at me now, somber green eyes studying my face, and it seemed like he was truly attempting to understand. "So why didn't you?"

I sighed. "You hated what you were so much. It used to tear me up inside, hearing you call yourself a monster and knowing there was nothing I could do that would truly make it better. When I was offered the chance…I had been so selfish before. I'd done some things I wasn't proud of, and I wanted to make it right. I wanted to put your needs first…and I was afraid that if I asked you, you would have stayed with me out of duty. I couldn't bear the idea of spending eternity with you, secretly fearing that you resented me – that you regretted your choice."

"It was still my choice to make," he insisted.

"I _know_ that," I said desperately, "but you have to understand – _you thought you had no soul_. You thought you were damned for something that wasn't even your fault! The night of the carnival, I tried to forget what I had been told. But then…" I blushed. "We were kissing, and things went too far. You almost…you almost hurt me, and afterward your self-hatred came pouring out like the poison it was. You asked me if I had any idea what you would give to be human. After you left, all I could think was that I had the power to make that happen. I could make you never hate yourself again."

We sat in silence for awhile. Finally I said quietly, "You told me once that if leaving was the right thing to do, then you would hurt yourself to keep from hurting me. I told you that I would do the same, and you said that I would never have to make that choice. Only all of the sudden, I _did_."

"So you wanted…what?" he asked sharply. "To prove that you could do it? Was it just some cosmic game of one-upmanship, then?"

"No!" I cried. "_God_, how can you even say that? It was just…" I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, finishing tiredly, "It felt like the right thing to do." I held his gaze with mine. "Whatever else you might think of me, Edward, you have to believe that my actions were borne of love."

He leaned close. "If you loved me so much, how could you willingly choose to forget me?"

"Because it was the only way I could survive it!" I had truly thought I had no more tears to shed, but again I felt my cheeks grow damp. "I could give you your freedom, but only if I knew I wouldn't have to remember. There was no way I could bear to love you and never see you again. Then I woke up to find that it had happened exactly like that, and I thought I would lose my mind."

"That's why you came to find me," he said quietly.

I nodded miserably. "I told myself that I wouldn't mess up your life, that I would just make sure you were okay, but of course as soon as I saw you, I couldn't walk away."

"I didn't exactly let you," he chuckled ruefully. He reached up to run his hands through his hair and sighed. "Bella, if finding me was your alternative to suicide…then I'm very, _very_ glad you chose it." Then he smiled, and the sweetness of it broke my heart all over again.

"Oh Edward," I whispered, and I gave him a watery smile.

We stayed that way for awhile, trying to decide what to do next. Finally he reached out to tuck a lock of my hair behind my ear. "Dinner," he murmured. "I promised to have dinner ready for you, but I forgot."

"No." I shook my head. "Don't be silly, Edward. Of course I don't expect dinner now."

A familiar stubborn look crossed his face, and he stood. "You have to eat, Bella."

I stood next to him and crossed my arms over my chest. "So do you," I replied belligerently.

He chuckled. "Then it's a good thing I stopped by the store and bought pizza before I came to the house, isn't it? I even had the presence of mind to put it in the freezer before…" His voice trailed off; he obviously didn't know how to finish that sentence.

He was trying, which was more than I deserved. Now it was my turn. "Pizza," I said firmly, leading the way downstairs.

We didn't talk much as we prepared the food and set the table. Finally we sat down to eat, the meal satisfying our hunger in the way that only happens after an exhausting, emotional day. At some point, I felt a touch against my hand and looked up to see Edward reaching for me. I slid my hand closer to his, and our fingers intertwined. He smiled at me…so softly, so gently…and I smiled in return. We continued to eat without saying a word, but the language of hope was all around us.

After dinner Edward asked if I wanted to watch TV, but I was too tired. We went upstairs, where Edward took his turn in the bathroom before I showered. When I walked into my room, my heart twisted in my chest as I noticed that the bed was empty. Edward was sitting in the rocking chair, his hands resting on his knees and his head bowed. Afraid of breaking the tentative peace between us, I spoke quietly. "Will you come to bed?"

He lifted his head to look at me, and he didn't say anything for a long time. Finally he asked, "Did he…_I_…sleep in your bed often?"

I knew my answer would hurt him, but I would never lie to this man again. "Every night."

Pain flickered in his eyes. "That's the part that's eating me up inside," he murmured. "The idea that you have all these memories with…_him_…that I can't share. Two years of life, of love, of taking a bigger risk than anyone should ever be asked to take. You were _engaged_." He bowed his head again as he whispered, "What could there possibly be left for us, that you didn't share with him first?"

How many times could a heart break before it could no longer be repaired? Tears filled my eyes as I searched for words to help heal the man I had shattered. Moving to kneel beside him, I placed my hands on his. "I shared those things with _you_, Edward. My heart has always and will always belong to _you_. And…and as much as I wish I could return those memories to you, I'd rather focus on creating new memories now. Did you know that we've done things over the past month that we never got to do before?"

His eyes met mine. "Like what?" he asked, and I breathed a little easier as I saw a spark of interest cross his face.

"Well for one thing, we've slept next to each other." He started to protest, but I touched a finger to his lips. "You used to share my bed, but you didn't _sleep_. Vampires never sleep." I smiled at him tenderly. "Yesterday morning was the first time I got to watch you wake up. What was even better was that we were in each other's arms. Your skin was so cold before. I didn't mind, but it meant that we always had to be separated by blankets. To wake up in your embrace and have time to look at you as you slept…it was one of the best moments of my life."

His mouth relaxed into a gentle smile. "Mine, too," he said, and his gaze held me spellbound.

I squeezed his hand. "There's so much that's new, Edward. We've shared meals together, and I've seen you cry…and blush." His cheeks reddened again as he remembered. My heart raced as I added, "As for what happened after the blush…we'd _never_ done anything quite like that before."

He was surprised. "Never?"

I shook my head. "Not to that extent, never with that much abandon. We couldn't; it was too dangerous."

He studied me. "I don't…I can't understand it. Your life was in danger, just by being with me. We couldn't even kiss without fear of hurting you. If we wanted any real kind of relationship, you were going to have to become like me, become a…_vampire_." Oh, how it hurt that his mouth twisted in disgust as he said that word. "_Why_ did you love me?"

My beloved, broken man. I leaned close, looking directly into his eyes. He had to understand this, for once and forever. "I was born to love you. Our hearts, our souls were joined at the beginning of time, and nothing will _ever_ change that. Our love is a miracle, Edward. _Never doubt it_."

Green eyes looked into brown, and all of eternity stood still as a decision was made. Then the lovers kissed – the sweetest, softest kiss of redemption the world has ever known. Standing, he held out his hand. "Come to bed with me, love."

I followed, because I would always follow when he called. His arms were around me, his head rested against my breast, and my fingers stroked the silky mane of his hair. If he cried in the night, my flesh absorbed his sorrow. If I reached out for him in the throes of a nightmare, his hands clasped mine in a steadfast promise. We were no longer separate people, divided by memories and lies. It was Love, and the world could not touch us.


	15. Memories

_A/N: Hi all. Sorry for the delay, but school really took off there for a bit. I will try to get the next few chapters up more quickly._

_Here's where I am on reviews: I truly, truly love each and every one of them. I was trying so hard to reply to each one individually, but that's just not possible. I can take care of my family, go to school, and write, but I just don't have time to do the individual replies. I'm very sorry! Please know that I truly appreciate everyone who is taking the time to read and review, and I hope you can understand._

~B~E~B~E~B~

The next morning I again woke first. This was new information for me: apparently Edward was a late sleeper. I stayed very still, wanting to give him peace for as long as I could. My eyes studied his face, noting the light smattering of freckles across his cheeks – evidence of sun exposure from living in Phoenix. If we stayed there, would he eventually tan? It seemed unlikely given his coloring, but I would enjoy finding out. I hoped that at some point I would have the chance to kiss those freckles. I also noticed dried tears, and my gut twisted in sympathy. Just two days ago I had promised to never let anything hurt him again, and then I had unleashed a secret that had almost destroyed him. _Please forgive me_, my heart whispered. _Give me a chance, and I swear I'll love you enough to make up for it_.

Finally he stirred, reaching for me as he murmured, "Bella."

"I'm here." Moving close to him, I slipped my arm around his waist.

He opened his eyes to look at me. "It wasn't a dream?" he asked, his voice rough with sleep.

I shook my head. "No. I'm sorry."

Closing his eyes, he pressed his cheek against mine. "I almost hoped…" Finally he leaned away and cupped my face with his hand. "Bella..."

His phone rang. Sighing, he got up to answer it. "It's Liz," he said, wincing. He looked at the phone as if he had no idea what to do next. "I should probably take this." He glanced at me, and I knew he was asking for privacy.

Nodding, I got up and left the room. I heard him answer, and I wondered if she would notice the uncertainty in his voice. Heading downstairs, I struggled with guilt over what I had done to him.

I decided to make breakfast because it would give me something to do. There was the added benefit of being able to take care of Edward in some small way. I couldn't protect him from the truth, but I could make sure he had a good meal on the first day of his new reality. I pulled out ingredients and had started preparing omelets when I heard a knock on the door. Wiping my hands on a dishtowel, I went into the entry hall and opened the door to see Carlisle standing outside.

"Good morning, Bella," he said. "I hope I didn't wake you?"

I blushed, thankful that yet again I had chosen to sleep in sweats. "No, I was just getting breakfast. Please come in."

He hesitated. "I need to speak with you about what we discussed yesterday."

I opened the door wider and stepped back into the hall. "It's okay; he knows. I told him last night."

Raising a brow, he followed me into the living room. "Interesting. She didn't see that."

Of course I knew to whom he was referring. "Alice."

He nodded. "She doesn't see humans as well as vampires, and until yesterday she didn't know that she had a reason to look for you. She _did_ have a vision of me, however…in my office, talking to you."

I took a deep breath. "So she knows."

"They all know." His face held no apology. "We don't keep secrets, and in any case, this affects them as much as it does me."

"Of course," I agreed, nodding. "So…what now?"

A noise behind me alerted me to the fact that Edward had apparently finished his phone call and was coming downstairs. When he saw Carlisle, his face hardened and he came to stand beside me, his stance protective. "Dr. Cullen," he said shortly.

"Edward," Carlisle replied, his eyes scanning the face of a son he no longer remembered. For a moment he seemed to get lost, searching for something that only he could see. Finally he cleared his throat and said, "I was just telling Bella that my family has been informed about the situation and would like to meet her." He looked at me. "Would you consider coming to the house with me?"

Finally a question I could answer with no hesitation or second-guessing. "I would love to," I said warmly, and a genuinely happy smile crossed my face. I was going to see the family – _my family_ – again.

Edward took my hand in his. "Not without me," he said firmly.

That was all it took to put a damper on my happiness. The idea of a human Edward walking unprotected into a room full of vampires was enough to give me nightmares. It was one thing for me to do so, but it was another thing entirely for him to risk his life that way. "Edward," I whispered uncertainly.

He looked at me, his jaw set stubbornly. "I won't let you go alone, Bella."

"Of course you're invited as well," Carlisle replied.

I thought of every time in the past that I had blithely ignored Edward as he worried about my safety, and I cringed. Things looked very different from this side of the lens. "Carlisle," I warned quietly. I didn't want to offend him, but I had to think of Edward. "Are you sure it's safe? The others…" What if Edward's blood called to one of the Cullens the way that mine used to call to him?

Carlisle nodded. "The whole family hunted last night as a precaution, and I'll be there in case anything gets out of hand. Rosalie is very strong as well." He didn't mention the one name that concerned us both the most, but I could tell he was thinking it. He looked at me, gold eyes lit with intensity. "I will protect you both, Bella. I promise."

Edward stepped slightly in front of me. "I won't tolerate anything that might harm Bella," he said brusquely.

I decided to intervene before things could get out of hand. "Nothing is going to hurt me, Edward," I said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. There was really no way around it; we were going to Cullen house. I ached to see everyone again, and Edward deserved the chance to meet his other family. "Edward and I need to eat, and I should go see my father. We'll meet you there later, okay?"

"Of course," Carlisle replied. "Your father has been moved to a regular room, by the way."

"That's wonderful!" I said, feeling some of the burden lift from my shoulders. "I'm so glad he's getting better, and it's all because of you."

He shook his head. "I just put in a few stitches; Charlie's the one doing all the hard work." Moving to the door, he added, "We'll expect you for lunch?"

I agreed and closed the door behind him. Returning to the kitchen, I finished making breakfast as Edward set the table. After we sat down to eat, Edward said, "So that was my…father."

The omelet in my mouth was suddenly dry and tasteless. Swallowing with difficulty, I replied cautiously, "Yes."

He nodded once but didn't say anything. We finished breakfast in silence, for which I was grateful. I couldn't think about the situation with the Cullens until after I had seen Charlie.

The hospital visit was brief. Charlie was awake when we got there and happy to see me, although confused as to what day it was and what had happened. Edward met him and was polite but distant; his mind was obviously focused on other things. Eventually it was time for Charlie's pain meds, and he drifted off to sleep soon after. "He'll be out for awhile…maybe the better part of the day," the nurse said when she stopped to check on him.

Edward and I looked at each other. It was time. Future and past would meet, and destiny would decide the outcome.

Vampires are usually very still creatures by nature. My Edward, however, had been a fidgeter…pinching the bridge of his nose, running his fingers wildly through his hair until it stood on end. It was a measure of how very anxious he was right now that he didn't move at all. He sat beside me as I drove to the Cullens' house, a perfect statue in flesh and bronze, eyes staring ahead into nothingness. My heart trembled for him, and I reached to take his hand. "Don't be nervous," I said softly. "They're good people."

He turned to look at me then. "Tell me about them," he said.

I thought for a moment. "I'll tell you a little bit. Some of it you'll need to experience for yourself. Do you remember that I said you could read minds?"

He nodded, his expression a mixture of doubt and horrified fascination. "I couldn't read yours, though."

"No." I smirked. "It used to drive you crazy. So…some of the other family members have talents as well. Alice can see the future, and Jasper – that's the one she's married to – can control people's emotions."

He shook his head in disbelief. "It's like something out of a comic book; it doesn't seem real."

"They _are_ real," I insisted. "Real people, with real desire and fears and frailties. And they once loved you very much."

His eyes scanned my face. "Did they love _you_?"

Tears filled my eyes. "Yes," I whispered. "They loved me."

He squeezed my hand, "I'm sorry, Bella."

I looked at him incredulously. "Edward, you have _nothing_ to be sorry for. I'm the one who made the wish."

His jaw twitched. "Only because I gave you reason to believe that I was unhappy."

Smiling with exasperated fondness, I said, "You did this as a vampire, too – always taking responsibility for things that weren't your fault." Before he could protest, I continued, "As for the rest of the family…Emmett's the older brother. He's strong and funny and a big teddy bear. Rosalie is…complicated. She takes time. You've already met Carlisle, and Esme is very sweet. She's a great mom."

He pressed his lips together. "I already have wonderful parents."

An iron grip tightened around my chest, but I tried to remain calm. "I know. Nobody's trying to replace them, Edward, but…aren't you even a little interested in meeting them?"

He looked out the window. "I guess."

I concentrated on driving as I turned onto the long road that would take us to the house. I could only hope that Edward would be nice; I didn't want the Cullens' first impression of their wonderful son to be of him at his moodiest. Plus, I couldn't guarantee how they would react if Edward insulted them. The rules had changed, and this was no longer the family I knew.

I pulled up in the driveway and got out, watching Edward's face as he took in the timeless white house and the protective shadowing of trees. He tilted his head, listening. "Is that a river?"

I nodded. "It's nearby."

He continued to look around. "Being a vampire must pay well."

"It helps when your sister can see the future of the stock market, or so I've been told," I replied as lightly as I could.

He took my hand in his, gripping so tightly that my fingers ached. "Don't let go," he whispered.

"Never," I promised. Gently I pulled him to the front porch.

The door opened as we approached, and Carlisle greeted us. "Bella, Edward. How was Charlie when you saw him?"

"He was awake for awhile, although he kept forgetting what had happened," I answered.

"Some short-term memory loss is expected," he replied. Holding out his hand to Edward, he said, "I'm glad you came."

Edward shook his hand, wincing as he felt the cold skin against his fingers. "Your home is very impressive, Dr. Cullen."

"Thank you. Please, call me Carlisle," the older man replied.

Edward nodded noncommittally. His temper was tightly leashed, but I wondered how long that could last.

Carlisle escorted us into the living room, where Esme stood waiting for us. As we drew close, Carlisle made the introductions. Her eyes eagerly scanned Edward's face, and she took a deep breath. "There you are," she murmured. "There have been moments when I've said something, only to realize that I was talking to myself. I've turned around, expecting to see a familiar face, only to find nothing but silence. I've missed you, even when I didn't know there was someone to miss. Welcome home." Her lips were trembling.

I held my breath. _Edward, please…_

He tightened his grip on me until it was almost unbearably painful, and then he reached for Esme with his free hand. "Hello," he said quietly. He rubbed his thumb gently across her fingers.

I had never loved him more. Even with his entire world in shambles, Edward couldn't stand to see someone hurting. I felt tears form at the edges of my vision, and I rapidly blinked them away. I was determined not to break down, although I figured that would be inevitable once I saw Alice.

Esme turned to me. "And you're Bella…my youngest daughter." I realized I wasn't even going to make it to Alice. The tears returned full-force, and I gasped as my heart clenched in pain.

Instantly, a mother's arms were around me. "You've had such a terrible time," she whispered, and she stroked my hair. I sobbed into her shoulder, finally feeling like I was home.

I cried for a long time as Esme held me. Carlisle stood by patiently, and Edward clutched my hand with barely controlled tension. Finally I stepped back, wiping my eyes. "I'm sorry," I choked out.

"Don't be," Carlisle murmured. "What you've been through is horrific."

I was ashamed; I didn't deserve their sympathy. I had chosen this nightmare. Edward was the one who was paying the price, and this visit was supposed to be about him. I realized he was watching me, his eyes worried. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I answered, but I really wasn't. I could feel hysterical laughter creeping up my throat. It disappeared before I could give way to it, and a glance at the stairs told me why. "Thanks, Jasper," I said gratefully. "I'm sorry about that." The blond-headed vampire nodded stiffly at me, and I felt grief rush over me again as I noticed how nervous he looked. I hadn't seen Jasper this uncomfortable in a long time. It made sense in a way; he didn't remember that he was supposed to be used to having humans in the house.

Edward took in a shallow breath as Jasper sent another wave of comfort to us. "_That's_ his gift?" he murmured. "That's…amazing."

"Isn't it?" The delightful young woman on the stairs – my dearest friend in the whole world – giggled as she danced lightly down the steps and came to a stop in front of us. I couldn't help but notice that Jasper remained where he was. Alice's eyes scanned me from top to bottom. "So you were my best friend?" She frowned slightly. "You think I would have worked a bit harder on your fashion sense."

Edward slipped his arm around my waist protectively, and Esme gasped. "Alice," Carlisle said reprovingly.

I just laughed. "It's fine; she's right." I smiled at her through my tears. "I'm afraid I've regressed over the past two months, Alice," I said apologetically.

She sniffed, unimpressed. "Obviously."

"It's not my fault!" I protested, laughing even harder. "I guess it slipped my attention, what with…" I didn't quite know how to finish that sentence.

She did it for me. "…what with your sudden fascination with impossible wishes and quack fortune tellers? Really, Bella – if you needed to see the future so badly, why didn't you just ask me?" She grinned and struck a pose. "Guaranteed accuracy, and no unwanted side effects."

I smiled mistily through my tears. "Oh Alice…I've missed you."

She tilted her head to one side and looked at me thoughtfully. "I think I've missed you, too." For a moment something dark flashed across her face, but it was gone just as quickly. She narrowed her eyes at me. "Of course, I can't remember, so I can't be sure."

Chuckling weakly, I said, "Yeah…sorry about that."

She waved her hand dismissively. "I'll think of some way for you to make it up to me." Turning to look at Edward appraisingly, she said, "So you were my brother, and you could read minds."

Tensing at the word "brother", he replied, "So I've been told."

"Hmm." She thought about that for a moment before shrugging. "Not as impressive as seeing the future."

"Alice!" Esme scolded. "It's not a competition."

"You know better than that, Mom. _Everything's_ a competition." The booming voice that spoke next had always made me smile, and this time was no exception.

Turning to face the burly young man who had just walked in from the kitchen, I said, "Hey Emmett."

"Bella!" He said cheerfully, picking me up in a crushing bear hug. He pulled me away from Edward's arm, which earned him a scowl. "Chill, man; I'm just borrowing her."

As if on cue, an icy female voice commanded him, "Emmett, put down the human." I looked up to see Rosalie standing by the doorway to the kitchen, a hostile look on her face. It surprised me a little that she was even here. The first time I had visited this house, she had stayed away on principle. Curiosity was the only motivation I could think of that made sense this time around; the story was just too big for her to ignore. I winced as I looked at the harsh planes of her face. We had come so far since our first meeting, but now it seemed like we were back to square one. I thought of Jasper's inner struggle for control…the caution in Carlisle's voice…the sorrow in Esme's eyes…the pain Alice hadn't quite been able to hide. My decision had hurt us all, in ways I might never fully understand. I bowed my head and whispered a silent prayer. _I'm sorry_.

Emmett, meanwhile, was doing what he did best: ignoring the subtext. "Aw, Rose. You never let me have any fun," he complained. Lowering me to the ground, he looked at Edward. "So, you're my little brother. You any good at video games?"

Edward stuck out his chin in one of those competitive rituals that only men understand. "I can hold my own," he said belligerently.

Emmett rubbed his hands together. "Excellent! I'm thinking a Halo tournament."

"Emmett, you will not use your improved reflexes to embarrass Edward," Esme said firmly.

I laughed. "It only seems fair. Edward used to read your mind and beat you at everything."

Emmett scowled. "Dude, I hate that stuff. Alice does it all the time. Game is most definitely _on_."

"Perhaps later," Carlisle interjected smoothly. "Bella, Edward – we've prepared lunch for you if you're interested?"

"Yes, thank you," I said gratefully. Pulling gently on Edward's arm, I led him into the dining room. Esme and Alice flitted around the table, placing dishes and drinks. They'd made Tandoori chicken and served it with salad and bread, and it was amazing. "Esme, this is fantastic," I enthused.

She beamed at me. "Thank you. I'm just glad to know why I learned how to cook. I thought I must have been very bored, but of course I was learning how to take care of my human daughter," she said, and I smiled through a fresh wave of tears.

When we finished eating, Esme refused my offer to help with the dishes and suggested that I show Edward the house. The family all drifted away, leaving me alone with Edward to face our memories in private. I was acutely conscious of the honor they were giving me, entrusting their home to me with only my word to tell them who I was. This unfailing graciousness was one of the reasons I had always loved the Cullens so much.

I walked Edward through each room, tears falling as I recalled the many happy moments I had spent in this house. His eyes widened when he saw the ancient cross in the upstairs hallway, and I quietly told him of Carlisle's history. I battled a thousand memories as we made our way into Carlisle's office, where I explained the significance of the pictures on the wall. After awhile, I ran out of words and left him to study the pictures in silence. I circled the room, scanning the bookshelves in an effort to calm my nerves. A title caught my eye, and I reached out to trace the spine of the book with my finger. _War and Peace_, and the book next to it appeared to be a copy in the original language. I had read somewhere that the novel in Russian, with its generous contribution of French, was much more beautiful than any translation. Months ago, as I had prepared for my transformation to immortal, I had thought that it would be nice to have time to learn the languages fluently so that I could truly enjoy the book. I had even wondered if Edward and I could live for awhile in Russia. Shaking my head, I locked away my grief for all that would never be. Edward and I no longer had forever; we would have to treasure each moment like the precious gift that it was.

Glancing at Edward, I noticed that he had finished looking at the pictures and was staring aimlessly out the window. "Edward?" I asked, and he followed me into the hall. I gestured to the next flight of stairs. "Your room is up there. Are you ready?"

He looked at the staircase and swallowed hard. "No," he said quietly. "I need…I need to get out of here for awhile."

"Do you want to go home?" I asked, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice. I wasn't ready to leave, but this wasn't about me.

He shook his head. "No. Just…could we go outside? Maybe walk through the garden or something?"

I thought for a minute, and then called softly, "Alice?"

She was by my side in an instant. "Yes, Bella?"

I looked at her. "Edward and I had a favorite place…a meadow. It was round, and there was a spring nearby."

She nodded. "I know where it is."

"Could you take us there, please?" I asked.

"Of course. Come downstairs, and we'll see if Carlisle can accompany us." She led the way outside, where Carlisle was already waiting for us. Holding her arms out to me, she said, "It will be much faster this way."

I nodded and climbed onto her back. Looking at Edward, I said ruefully, "Just climb up and hang on. And if you're at all prone to motion sickness, you might want to close your eyes."

He looked doubtfully at Carlisle, who was waiting patiently. Finally he shrugged and did what he had to do. Wrapping his arms around Carlisle's shoulders, he gave me a skeptical look. I just smiled and closed my eyes as we took off. As we ran, I found myself hoping that this wouldn't be too much for him. Maybe I shouldn't have introduced him to the vampire method of transportation just yet, but I really wanted him to see our meadow.

Alice stopped just outside the ring of trees, and I slid off her back. Looking anxiously at Edward, I saw him holding on to Carlisle's arm as he tried to catch his breath. "_Okay?_" I mouthed at him, and he nodded. Reaching for his hand, I walked with him the rest of the way to our meadow.

His eyes widened as he took in the beautiful scene around him. "This is wonderful," he said softly.

"You should see it in the spring," I replied. Pulling him along with me gently, I stopped in the center of the field. "This is where we spent our first day together, alone."

His eyes were incredulous. "Weren't you scared?"

"A little," I admitted. "But we had to try. We had to know if it would work, being alone together. Otherwise there was no future for us."

He frowned. "It was inexcusable of me, putting you in danger like that. I should have stayed away from you."

I smiled. "That's what you thought then, too, and you did try. You weren't very good at it."

His eyes met mine, and he blushed. "I can see why." His hand reached out to stroke my cheek, and it was my turn to blush. I stood perfectly still as his fingers brushed across my lips and down my neck to my collarbone. "I think I've never been very good at resisting you, Bella Swan."

I placed my hand over his and pressed his skin against mine. "I'm glad."

We stood that way for a long moment, simply enjoying each other's touch. Finally he asked, "So what happened? I mean, obviously I didn't kill you."

I laughed. "No, you controlled yourself admirably. We talked for the better part of the day, and we discussed our feelings for each other. This was the day that we admitted that it was love." I smiled at him tenderly. "It was also the first time we kissed."

He raised an eyebrow. "Hmm…I think that's a memory that should be revisited, don't you?" He pressed his lips tenderly to mine, and for just a moment in the cool fall sunlight, I allowed myself to believe that we would find our way through this.

Finally he stepped back and looked over his shoulder at the trees. "I guess Carlisle and Alice are giving us privacy."

"Maybe," I agreed. I hesitated, not sure I should say anything else, but finally I added, "They probably don't want to startle you by stepping out in the sunlight."

His eyes lit with recognition. "That's right. Can they even be in the sun? Won't it hurt them?"

I shook my head. "That's a myth. The sun just makes it obvious that they're not human."

His brow wrinkled. "How so?"

I struggled with how to explain it. "It's easier to see than to describe, but I'm not sure I should ask them to demonstrate. I think it's a little personal." Even as I spoke, however, I saw Carlisle step to the edge of the meadow and nod at me. "Never mind; I guess you've been granted viewing privileges." Turning Edward around, I said, "Just watch."

Carlisle walked out into the sun, and I stopped breathing at the same time Edward did. No matter how many times I saw this, I never really got used to it. Edward's arms were trembling beneath my hands, and I heard the awe in his voice as he whispered, "_Beautiful_."

Leaning my head against his back, I whispered, "I always thought so."

He stilled. "And I didn't?"

I closed my eyes. "No."

He turned around and lifted my chin with his hand. "Look at me, Bella." My eyes fluttered open to meet his concerned gaze. "What did I say to you?"

I shook my head. "It's nothing."

He stroked my cheek with his thumb. "Bella…please?"

He was impossible to resist, and I _had_ promised to tell him the truth. Sighing, I said, "You didn't like the way you looked, Edward. You thought it would frighten me. Once you even said that you were just waiting for me to start screaming and running away."

His eyes filled with pain. "God, I did absolutely everything I could to convince you of my unhappiness, didn't I?"

I raised my hand to his lips. "Shh. You were trying to protect me, and – as much as it pains me to admit this – you had a point." I scowled at him. "Not that we shouldn't have been together, or that you were right to leave me–"

"I still want to talk about that part," he interrupted, his mouth brushing my skin. "You barely mentioned it before."

I caressed his jaw. "Later, please? I can't handle it right now."

"Later," he agreed. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he said, "Bella?"

I slid my arms up his chest. "Yes?"

He tenderly kissed my lips. "I love you, baby. And I'm sorry…so _unbelievably_ sorry…that I ever did anything to hurt you."

It honestly felt like my heart was going to melt in my chest. "I'm sorry, too," I whispered. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed his hands and pulled him across the field. "Come talk to your father and sister."

The afternoon sun waned as we sat in the meadow and talked. Edward asked Carlisle about his medical career and expressed admiration for the way that he was able to control himself while surrounded by human blood. In turn, Carlisle asked about Edward's mother and what hospital conditions were like in Ann Arbor. Edward didn't mention Edmund, and I respected that he wasn't ready to talk about that. He might never be.

"So tell me about seeing the future," Edward asked Alice.

She had been laughing at something he had said, but her face immediately became somber. "It can be difficult. A lot of people only think about the positive things…predicting outcomes, knowing what's going to happen so you can prepare…but it also means that you have to see a lot of things that you aren't ready for." She looked up at him. "Since I found out about you, I've wondered if it would have helped, having someone to share my visions with. I feel really…_alone_…sometimes."

They both looked at me, and I swallowed through the knot in my throat. "I think it did help; you were very close."

Alice nodded, her eyes clouding over as if I had confirmed something she already knew. The easy atmosphere we had tentatively been enjoying was shattered, and Carlisle stood. "We should return home. The others are probably worried about us." We climbed up and made an uncomfortable trip back to the house.

Again we stood at the front door, his hand clenched tightly in mine. "Are you ready to see your room now?" I asked quietly.

He took a deep breath and nodded.

Rosalie appeared from around the side of the porch. "Oh honestly, I don't understand why this has to be so melodramatic."

Alice made a hissing noise under her breath, and Carlisle's eyes flashed warningly. "Rosalie," he said sternly.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Bella made the right choice, and everyone in this house knows it." Shaking her head, she stormed inside.

Silence followed in her wake. I looked at Edward worriedly. "Sorry about that."

He shrugged. "She's complicated, right?" His voice carried an edge. "Let's go see my room."

I led him inside, trying not to panic. His temper was building; I could feel it. He had done so well all day, but there was only so much he could be expected to absorb. I wondered if it might not be better to put this off until tomorrow, but I knew that wasn't really an option. I stopped at the top of the stairs, gathering my courage as I whispered, "This is it."

He stared at the door, his face unreadable. Finally he pushed the door open and walked inside. I stayed in the hall for a moment, whispering too quietly for him to hear. "I know you can all hear me. Please…whatever happens over the next few minutes, don't interfere. He needs to do this, and I know he won't hurt me. Please?"

The only answer was a muted growl.

I chuckled humorlessly. "If I survived him as an angry vampire, then an angry human should be a piece of cake." Taking a deep breath, I walked in the room and shut the door.

He was standing by the bed, his head bowed and tension screaming from every line in his body.

"Edward?" I asked timidly.

He didn't look at me, instead reaching out to touch an iron rail. His hand was tender, almost caressing. 'I thought vampires didn't sleep."

"They don't," I said.

His hand clenched on metal. I remembered a paler, stronger hand, crumpling an iron rose to dust. He couldn't bend the metal now, no matter how hard he tried. "Tell me about the bed, Bella."

I swallowed hard. "You bought it for me. For us."

He nodded. Laughed mirthlessly. Finally he stepped away from the bed and walked over to the bookshelf. His finger traced a row of cds.

"These are mine?" he asked. "They don't belong to anyone else, right?"

I nodded. "They're yours," I said. My throat felt as dry as the Phoenix desert.

"Good." He slipped his hand along the shelf, stopping at the end closest to him. There was a moment…a breath…a heartbeat in a room that had never known one. Then he slammed his hand across the shelf, sending discs flying across the room and crashing to the floor. They shattered, fragments of silver like the broken remnants of our life together. I flinched.

He still hadn't looked at me. Taking a shallow breath, he muttered, "Get on the bed, Isabella."

I held out my hand pleadingly. "Edward…"

He turned, and his eyes were furious. "_Get. On. The. Bed._"

I nodded, unable to speak. Crossing the room as quickly as I could, I climbed onto the bed and waited, shivering.

He was beside me in an instant, pushing me down into the mattress. He wrapped his arm around me possessively, and I knew this was his attempt to prove something – both to me and the ghost of his former self. I didn't mind. I loved him, now and then, and I would do whatever it took to help him come to terms with this. His lips claimed mine fiercely, staking his claim on me just as thoroughly as if he had written his name on my skin. "Mine," he growled. "_Mine_."

"Yours," I whispered in return. "Always yours, Edward. _Only, forever yours_."

He bowed his head into my neck, weeping fiercely as his hands branded my skin. His fingers dug into my waist, and I thought with irony that – for all that the vampire had worried about hurting me – the human would be the one who bruised my skin.

He kissed me again, roughly, lips and teeth and tongues seeking absolution. Then he flung himself from the bed and went to stand by the window, his chest heaving with effort. "I don't know," he said darkly. "I don't know who I am."

"You're Edward," I said desperately. "You've always–"

"I don't know!" he screamed, turning to face me. "I don't know who to believe, I don't know who to trust, I don't know if you love me, and I sure as hell don't know if I…"

Thank God he didn't say the words.

He bowed his head, his shoulders trembling. "I need to leave."

"Okay," I agreed softly. "Let's go downstairs, and I'll drive us home."

"No, Bella." His voice was final. "I need to be alone."

Pain sliced through my heart, and my eyes filled with tears. "Are you…are you leaving me?" _Oh God, please don't leave. You swore you'd never leave again. I won't survive it. Oh God, please…_

He shook his head miserably. "I won't leave you. I just need some time by myself. I don't even know…" His voice broke. "God, Bella…I don't even know if you're in love with me, or _him_. And I can't be him – never again. I can't…" He wiped the tears from his face. "I can't."

"You don't have to," I promised. "I swear all I want is you."

He looked at me with broken eyes. "I have to go." He walked away, leaving two shattered hearts behind him like so many fragments on the floor.


	16. Hope

_Hi, all! My deepest apologies for taking so long to update. I've been busy with school, as well as other things (more info in the author's note after the story). What I can promise you is that there will be no more long breaks between chapters. I've finished the story and will post the remaining chapters (there are only a few) very quickly. Thanks very much to everyone who asked me to continue, and again I apologize for the delay. Please see the author's note at the bottom for more comments._

~B~E~B~E~B~E~

Shattered. Childhood doll, left behind. Legs bent, heart broken. I was way too familiar with this feeling. And truly, I had no one to blame but myself. I had chosen this. I could no longer remember why.

Slowly I pulled myself up and walked over to the mess of cds Edward had left. I would survive this; I had no choice. As long as he needed me, I had to survive.

Esme entered the room hesitantly. "Are you alright, Bella?"

"Maybe I will be." I drew in a shallow breath. "I'm sorry about the mess, Esme. I'll go get the broom and clean it up."

She shook her head. "Please don't bother. I'll clean it later." She smiled gently. "I don't want you to risk cutting your hands."

Laughing hollowly, I said, "That would probably be my luck." I looked at her helplessly.

She met my gaze for a moment before glancing around the room. "I thought it was a guest room, although I couldn't for the life of me imagine why I would have designed it this way. I was getting ready to redecorate when you walked into our lives. Edward can have anything he likes from the room, of course."

I nodded gratefully. "I'm not sure what he'll want. Maybe he won't want…" Tears welled in my eyes as I finished the sentence in my thoughts. _Maybe he won't want me._

For the second time that day, I found myself wrapped in Esme's cool embrace. "It will be alright," she said soothingly. "Give him time."

I nodded against her shoulder. "All the time he wants," I agreed frantically. "Whatever he needs – _anything_ – if he'll just forgive me."

"He will," she said softly. "He's a good man; I could tell that just by looking. A mother knows."

I wrapped my arms around her and desperately prayed that she was right.

Emmett was waiting for me as I left the house. "Did he hurt you?" he asked gruffly, and I almost started crying again because of the brotherly concern in his eyes.

"I'm fine," I assured him. Noticing that the rental car was still in the driveway, I asked, "Did Edward leave?"

He nodded. "Alice and Rose drove him home."

I thought of the animosity Rosalie had exhibited earlier and gulped. "That was really…nice…of them."

Emmett shrugged. "It was Alice's idea. Something about a last minute shopping trip to Port Angeles."

I narrowed my eyes. Alice never decided to shop at the last minute; usually she had those kinds of things planned well in advance. Had she seen some reason that she and Rosalie needed to be away from the house? Finally I shrugged, knowing that I had very little chance of understanding the pixie's thoughts unless she chose to tell me.

Emmett followed me to the car and opened the door. "Will you be back tomorrow?"

"I'm not sure; it depends on what Edward wants. I'd like to, though." Suddenly I remembered something I had heard on the radio. "You know what I'd like to do, if we come back?" Quickly I told Emmett my suggestion. "Could you check with Alice?"

His eyes lit up. "You'd want to see that?" At my nod, he grinned. "Excellent! I'll ask Alice as soon as she gets home."

We stood next to the car, his hand on the door as he studied me. His face grew somber. "Bella…" He looked over his shoulder at the house before turning back to face me. "I want to tell you something. You were right to change Edward. You did the right thing. I would have…"

I heard what he couldn't say: _I would have changed Rose_. Just like that, I understood Alice's sudden "shopping trip". She'd seen the future – mine or Emmett's, I wasn't sure – and had known I would need to say something to Emmet without fear of Rosalie overhearing. Moving very slowly to give him plenty of warning, I reached up and pressed a kiss to Emmett's marble cheek. "Thank you. You're a good man, and you deserve someone who would give up _everything_ to be with you." I pulled away and met his eyes.

He nodded slowly, and I knew he understood. "So do you," he said, and he gently pulled one of my curls. Finally he took a step back, saying, "Drive safe. I seem to remember from high school that you were always a bit…uncoordinated." Chuckling as my scowl, he added, "And come back tomorrow. If Edward gets too moody about the whole thing, I'll just come drag you away myself."

I promised to do what I could and drove away laughing. That was Emmett's gift: when you felt like you would never smile again, he made you laugh out loud.

Edward wasn't at the house; he'd left a note on the front door explaining that he went for a walk. I thought about trying to find him, but in the end I scribbled my own response that I was going to the hospital. Charlie was awake and happy to see me, and I was careful to not mention Edward at all. Finally I went home, driving slowly as I dreaded the possibility of facing an empty house once again.

Edward was waiting for me on the porch. We stood in silence as I struggled to find words to repair all of the damage I'd done. Finally I forced myself to look him in the eye; he had the right to see my face as I spoke. "You once told me that you were worried that I wanted immortality more than I wanted you."

His face could have been carved from marble. "And?"

He seemed so immovable in that moment that I nearly wept. "And I said that there was no point to forever without you. I didn't want to spend a day without you then, and I still don't." I whispered pleadingly, "I want to be with you, Edward – human, vampire, it doesn't matter – I love _you_."

We stared at each other for a long moment, tension building until we couldn't stand it anymore and had to look away. I took a deep breath and heard him speak at the same time I did.

"I'm sorry."

My eyes flew up to meet his. "Edward…you have _nothing_ to be sorry for."

He stepped close, his hand reaching out to cup my cheek. "I ran away from you. I left you behind, and I know that the idea of me leaving scares you so much that it almost makes you sick. That was inexcusable."

I wanted to be strong enough to deny it, but even the memory of him walking away from me was enough to make me nauseous. I closed my eyes. "You had a good reason."

His hand stroked my skin. "No reason is good enough. It wasn't good enough back then, either. I can see it in your eyes, when you talk about that time – it almost destroyed you. _I_ almost destroyed you."

I tried to shake my head, to tell him that it wasn't his fault, but he brushed away my reply. His eyes blazed with sorrow as he continued, "I had time to think about things while I was walking. I'm not happy about the way I treated you when I was a vampire. I put you in danger everyday just by being near you. I should have left you at the beginning and never returned, but instead I waited until you had fallen so deeply in love with me that it nearly killed you when I left."

"You were trying to protect me," I protested.

"Maybe. I still don't like it." His jaw tightened. "The love we shared asked so much of you. You could never be happy, because _I_ wasn't happy."

I shook my head vehemently. "That's not true! Edward, I was happy – more so than I'd ever been before."

"But not completely," he replied. When he saw that I was about to speak, he placed a finger across my lips. "You were convinced enough of unhappiness – yours or mine – that you decided you had to tear your own life to pieces to give me the humanity I so desperately wanted. You thought I wanted _it_ more than I wanted _you_. Somehow I let you believe that, and that's truly unforgiveable on my part." His eyes seared into mine, trying to make me believe. "I forced you to make that wish, so if I don't like the outcome I have no one to blame but myself."

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Only Edward could find a way to make this whole mess his fault. "Edward…maybe we should try a different church when we get home. I think all that Catholic guilt is messing with your brain."

He grinned faintly. "Think what you want, silly girl. I know I'm right." He lowered his head but peered up at me through his eyelashes. "So you said 'we'…you'll stay with me when we return to Phoenix?" he asked hopefully.

My heart stuttered in my chest. "If you still want me," I whispered.

Strong arms embraced me. "I will always want you," he vowed.

I laid my cheek against his chest and closed my eyes. "And I will always love you," I promised. "And I _am_ sorry."

His arms tightened around me. "I know."

We stood that way for a long time. Finally he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "I'm taking you to dinner."

And that's what he did. We ate at the diner and then came home to turn in for the night. Despite everything, lying in his arms still felt more right than anything I had ever known.

Neither of us said a word about the Cullens the next morning, but as we left the hospital after seeing Charlie, Edward turned the car towards the 101. He slipped his hand into mine and gave a slight nod. I gazed out the window, my heart filled with love for the man at my side.

Alice danced out to the car to meet us when we pulled up. "You're here! Oh, I'm so glad."

"Didn't you know?" I asked, laughing.

She shook her head. "I'm still having a hard time seeing you. I don't know if it's because of whatever Fontaine did or because I'm just getting to know you again. I can't see Edward at all, maybe because I only knew him as a vampire." She frowned. "I don't like it."

I laughed again. "Welcome to how the rest of us live."

She pouted for a minute, then shrugged. "I'll figure it out." With a typical Alice bounce, she grabbed my hands. "Never mind that now; are you ready for some baseball?"

I bounced right along with her, my smile spreading from ear to ear. "It will work?"

She nodded. "Thunderstorm's coming in, just like the radio said. And I checked as thoroughly as I can – I can't see your futures, but ours look fine. No interruptions this time."

I let out a relieved breath. "Good."

"We're going to a new field, as well. No memories associated with this one." She smiled sympathetically.

"_Thank you_," I said gratefully. Turning to Edward, I asked, "What do you think?"

He gave me that familiar crooked grin. "The most impressive display of skill I'll ever see?" he asked, remembering what I had told him in Phoenix.

I smiled. "Something like that."

He slipped his arm around my waist. "Then what are we waiting for?"

"My question exactly," Emmett boomed, coming out to stand on the porch. "Let's go people! This game isn't going to play itself."

"So eager to lose?" Jasper taunted as he walked by his brother. Emmett responded by throwing Jasper halfway across the yard and then following so he could pummel his head into the ground.

"Are you ready to go?" Alice asked, paying no attention to the spectacle behind us.

"Sure," I agreed. Edward nodded, although his eyes were a bit wide.

The other Cullens came out of the house and piled into Emmett's jeep and one of their other off road vehicles. I started to follow, but Edward grabbed my wrist to hold me back. "What is it?" I asked softly. We couldn't truly have a private conversation, of course, but we could pretend.

He was looking at the members of his vampire family. "Do they always play baseball dressed like extras from _The Natural_?"

I nodded. "When I've seen them, yes."

He looked at me, horrified. "And you let me go out like that?"

I laughed and smirked at Alice, who was glaring at us. "Alice is in charge of wardrobe, and she scares me."

"Good," the pixie responded. "You should be scared." Smiling sweetly at Edward, she added, "I'm sure there are clothes upstairs in your size if you'd like to change."

He shuddered and pulled me away from the house at a rapid pace. "Some girlfriend you are," he muttered. "Leaving me to the mercy of the vampire equivalent of Tinkerbell."

"Watch it," Jasper warned, and I pushed Edward into the car before he could get into any more trouble.

It was a short drive to the field, and the action started as soon as the storm hit. Alice was pitching and Carlisle stepped up to bat, but that's all I really noticed. Edward watched the game; I watched Edward. His shock quickly turned to astonishment and then admiration. His eyes sparkled as he watched the plays, hands clenched like he was itching to join in. "It's really something, isn't it?" I asked.

"Unbelievable," he breathed. "I think…I think this is one part I miss."

I leaned my head against his shoulder. "You were the happiest I ever saw you, alone with your family. You could be yourself." Looking out at the field, I laughed as Emmett strutted up to the plate, obviously showing off for Rosalie.

Edward turned to gaze at me. "You really loved them."

I continued to watch the game. "_Love_ them. Present tense."

He nodded slowly. "They were…_are_…family to you. Why is that? I mean, how could it have been so comfortable for you, when you should have been afraid?"

I took a deep breath. "I…I'm not sure. I wasn't ever afraid – at least, not for any length of time. Every once in awhile I would get a bit nervous, but it went away. What remained was…curiosity, at first. I loved you, and so I wanted to know about your family. Then once I met them, it was a perfect fit. I'd always been different, but it didn't matter anymore because you were all different, too. I _belonged_ here; I was meant to be your wife and a member of your family."

He slipped his hand into my hair, caressing the back of my neck. "And you gave it all away because you thought it would make me happy."

I closed my eyes and nodded.

Gentle lips pressed against my brow. "I love you, Bella Swan. I don't deserve you, but I love you just the same."

I leaned into him, inhaling his scent. All I knew was him.

Of course Emmett had to shatter the moment. "Hey! Are we here to play ball or not? Edward, I'm having serious doubts about your mancard right now."

"Emmett!" Alice hissed. The curly-haired man just laughed.

I turned to look at them. Esme looked shocked and slightly embarrassed at her son's antics. Carlilse was smiling indulgently. Rosalie shared an amused look with Emmett, and Jasper was trying to hide his grin. Edward was chuckling, and I could feel the ripple of his chest behind me.

They were my family, and in that one ephemeral moment, I had them back. I watched, eyes brimming with tears, as I took a mental picture of the scene in front of me. The storm raged overhead as the game continued, but I concentrated on memorizing this feeling. For the first time in over two months…and quite possibly the last…I was home.

~B~E~B~E~B~E

_Author's Note: Several months before I started this story, my mother died. PWGI was my attempt to deal with some of the grief I was feeling, which is why the story is as sad as it is. After awhile, I'd made my peace and was ready to get back to life, which is basically when I stopped writing the story. I just had to get away from it for awhile, you know? Eventually I came back, because of all the readers who were asking for the story to be continued, because I thought the story deserved an ending, and because I like to finish what I start whenever possible. _

_I cannot say enough about all of the people who reviewed and/or emailed me asking me to continue. I could not reply individually because of my emotions and because of time constraints, but please know that I read every note and appreciated them all so much. It means more to me than I can say that people have been touched by this little story that I wrote as a coping mechanism. _

_I especially owe a huge "thank you" to Cullenista, who encouraged me to continue, told others about the story, and was honest enough to tell me what didn't work with the ending._

_GinnyW (who just completed the fabulous "Coming to Terms") wrote a wonderful review for me several months ago on The Lazy, Yet Discerning Ficster - thank you, Ginny! Also, someone nominated me for the Indie Twific Awards - thank you! I'm humbled._

_Thank you all again so much, and the next chapter will be posted soon._


	17. Destiny

Author's note: Thank you to everyone for welcoming me back and for your kind words about my mother. You're all wonderful.

~B~E~B~E~B~E~

When we went back to the Cullen mansion, Rosalie marched up to Edward with a book in her arms. "Here," she said abruptly. "I thought this was something we'd picked up at a sale, but now I realize it must be yours." She walked away without any further explanation, going to sit with Emmett on the couch.

Edward looked at me questioningly, but I just shrugged. His long fingers stroked the book, tracing the initials on the cover: _EAC_. When he turned to the first page, we found ourselves looking at notes and key signatures.

"Your music," I whispered. I found myself grateful to the one Cullen who'd never had much use for me. _Thank you, Rosalie._

He flipped through the pages, stopping to study a particular refrain. His eyes focused as he searched for things that only a musician would see. Finally he made his way to the piano and sat down to play. I stood beside him, watching his fingers glide over the keys as a familiar tune filled the house.

Esme came out of the kitchen, eyes wide. "I love that song! I can't remember what it's from, but it's been so long since I've heard it."

"Edward wrote it for you," I managed through the sudden tightness in my throat

She raised her hand to her lips, and I knew that her soul was crying the tears her body denied her. "Oh, Edward," she softly. "Thank you."

He finished the song and shrugged, embarrassed. "It's too complex for me to play as written. I had to modify it somewhat; I'm sure it could sound better."

"Nonsense. It sounds perfect," she said briskly. "I love it, Edward. Thank you."

He nodded. Looking over at Rosalie, he asked, "Do you play?"

She sniffed. "Better than you."

Ignoring her attitude, he persisted. "Could you play it for her when she wants to hear it? I want her to have a copy of it, too; I'm sure there's a machine somewhere in Forks."

She rolled her eyes. "Honestly. Just give it to me." Moving swiftly to his side, she grabbed the book before he could protest. In a matter of seconds, she had gathered some fresh sheet music and was halfway through copying the song by hand.

He stared at her for a moment. "Okay." With a shake of his head, he turned back to face me.

"Vampire Xerox," I said.

Laughing, he bent to pick up several pieces of paper that had fallen from the book when Rosalie grabbed it. "What – " He stopped speaking as he saw the name written at the top of the page.

My heart clenched as I stared at the piece of music he was holding. "You told me that I inspired this one," I whispered.

His eyes met mine briefly before he returned to his perusal of the paper. With one hand, he played through the melody. He trembled, and a slight gasp escaped from between his perfect lips. "I know this song," he murmured. He looked absolutely staggered; all trace of color had fled from his cheeks. "I've been hearing it in my head ever since I met you…again, I mean."

"You played it for me, the first time you brought me here. You would sing it at night as I fell asleep." My voice broke.

He looked up at me, green eyes seeing straight through to my heart. Without a word, he pulled me down to sit beside him on the piano bench and began to play.

I hadn't known it was possible to be so in love and be in so much pain at the same time. Images of a forgotten life flashed before me as he played my song…his declaration of love to me. Somehow I managed not to cry. I think I'd finally reached a level of grief that was beyond tears.

When he finished playing, he pulled me into his arms and held me against his chest. There was a moment's peace – a glimpse of an eternity that could have been – in a world where time held no meaning.

Then he stood and held his hand out to me; I took it and rose to stand by his side. His eyes asked a question, and I nodded in response. Something crossed his face – relief? Sorrow? Finally it morphed into determination. He turned to face the silent people who watched us. "It's time for us to leave. Thank you for your hospitality and for caring for Bella." He slipped his arm around my shoulders protectively, sending his message just as clearly as if he'd spoken: _I'll take it from here._

Carlisle came to shake his hand. "Charlie should be released from the hospital tomorrow. The police department has arranged for home health care." Just like that, life called me back from the fantasy I desperately wanted. This was humanity, with its responsibilities and frailties and ever-ticking clocks. I took Carlisle's smooth, cold hand in mine for the last time, pressing my fingers against his as I stammered out my thanks for his care of my father. My heart was breaking, but I didn't cry as I said goodbye to the man who had been a second father to me. I was existing in a kind of frozen grace by this point.

Carlisle unwittingly provided some comic relief as he handed a check to Edward. "Esme and I want you to have this," he said smoothly. "You were our son once, and we would feel better knowing that we provided for you." Edward tried to protest, explaining that he had no need of money, but Carlisle insisted with such beautiful manners that he couldn't be refused.

Edward cast me a desperate glance, but I just grinned. It made for a nice change, watching _him_ be on the other side of the great financial debate for once. I enjoyed it immensely…until Carlisle handed me my own check. I tried to argue, but he dismissed my concerns just as smoothly as he had Edward's. I had no choice but to accept the gift, while Edward watched me with a smirk on his face. It was all I could do not to stick my tongue out at him.

So the goodbyes began. Emmett and Rosalie were first, approaching with all the self-assurance and natural beauty that defined them. Rosalie tossed her gorgeous blonde hair as Edward thanked her again for the book. "It's yours. Why would I have any use for it?" she asked briskly.

Emmett put a protective hand on my arm and leaned over to whisper in my ear that he would always be there if I ever needed any help. "Make sure Edward takes care of you," he finished quietly.

I swallowed against the lump in my throat. "I will, Emmett. You…you were always so much fun, and I really enjoyed getting to know you. I was looking forward to having you as a big brother. Thanks for everything."

He shot me a lightning fast grin. "Well, if you _really_ want me to act like a big brother…" Quick as a flash, he picked me up and spun me around, laughing as Rosalie growled and Edward glared.

Finally he put me down and moved to leave, but Rosalie stopped and looked back at Edward. "You've been given a gift – one that any member of this family would have sacrificed _everything_ for. Don't waste it." With a final intense stare she was gone, pulling Emmett along behind her.

We watched them go, spellbound in the way that only Rosalie could manage. Finally I cleared my throat and said, "About that." Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a sealed envelope and handed it to Carlisle. "This is everything I know about Fontaine. It's not much, and I don't know if it will be of any help. I don't think she wants to be found, and her talent comes with a hefty price."

Carlisle took the envelope from me, nodding gravely. "Maybe Jasper can do something with this. If we find her, I'll let you know." He handed the information to his blond son, who had approached cautiously with Alice at his side. _At least Jasper won't be sorry to see us go_, I thought. He looked exhausted from fighting duel battles with temptation and grief.

"Will you return to Phoenix?" Esme asked.

I nodded. "I'll have to make sure my father is okay first, but then we'll go back. Edward has school, and I have a job. Besides," my voice broke just a little, "I can't stand living here. Not anymore."

Esme's lips trembled, and Carlisle slipped his arm around her. "We'll keep an eye on you," she said. "I hope you don't mind, but you were family to us once. I'll want to see how things turn out for you."

Had I thought I was beyond tears? What was it about mothers, anyway, that they could reach you even when you thought you had everything safely locked away? Blinking rapidly to keep my eyes clear, I murmured, "Of course we don't mind, Esme."

"Here," Alice said, slipping a piece of paper into my hand. "These are email addresses where you can reach us. They'll remain valid, for the rest of your lifetime anyway. Use them if you ever want to contact us."

"Can't you see if we'll use them?" Edward asked.

Alice shook her head. "I can't see anything unless you make a decision," she said, and it broke my heart that she had to explain it to him. "Besides, I'm still having a difficult time seeing either of you," she complained, her eyes troubled.

I shrugged, trying to distract her from her concern…trying not to worry myself. "I guess we'll just have to figure our futures out the same way everybody else does it: we'll have to live them."

She wrinkled her nose. "That's boring."

I laughed. "No, that's _life_. Besides, just think of us as the one surprise in your otherwise well-organized existence. Who knows where we'll be in ten years?"

Jasper spoke directly to me for the first time since we'd walked into the house yesterday – was it only yesterday? "I have a pretty good idea where you'll be," he said. When I looked at him questioningly, he just nodded his head at Edward, who still had his arm wrapped protectively around my shoulders. I blushed, and Jasper gave me a gentle smile. He started to say something else, thought better of it, and then seemed to reach a decision. "I've never experienced such deep love between two humans before. It's very…intense. I have a feeling you'll do just fine at living, Bella Swan." His eyes teased me as I blushed even darker.

"Of course she will," Esme said softly. "They're going to be fine."

I slipped my arm around Edward's waist and tried to let their words convince me. I'd been given life, when I'd wanted eternity. Would it really be that bad? I'd lost part of my family, but I'd regained a future with Charlie and Renee. As for my love…we wouldn't be together forever, but I was fairly sure we'd be together for the rest of our lives. I could give him the home and family and human life that, truthfully, he'd always wanted.

It was a lot more than other people ever got. Pressing my cheek against Edward's warm chest – so different from the cool strength I had originally fallen in love with, but no less precious – I made the conscious decision to stop dwelling on the past. I was in love with a wonderful man, and the miracle of it all was that he loved me as well. He hadn't turned his back on me, even when I'd given him every reason to. I'd wanted him to be happy and whole, and I would spend the rest of my life making sure he was exactly that. Raising my eyes to meet his, I whispered, "We're going to be _fine_."

The brilliant smile he gave me in return was worth every inch of my sacrifice. "I always knew we would be," he whispered in reply.

There wasn't really anything else to say after that. Edward shook Carlisle's hand one more time, and I hugged Alice and Esme. I was filled with an almost unnatural peace – Jasper's doing, I was sure, but I was determined to hold on to it even without his help. We made our way out to the car and started down the long driveway. I had decided that it was time to look to the future, but I allowed myself one last look at the home that had meant so much to me. I didn't see a fairytale house nestled in a picturesque view; instead, I saw the face of someone much loved. He was the twin of the man who sat beside me, but his skin was paler and he had dark circles under his eyes. His hair stood up on end, and his jaw was set with stubborn determination. His eyes…his eyes gazed into mine with an all too familiar longing, tinged with sorrow. He had been my first love, that boy – for he truly had been a boy, underneath it all. And I had been a girl, and I had loved him. I watched his image fade as we drove away, and I whispered goodbye.

~B~E~B~

Edward stayed with me in Charlie's kitchen, helping me make dinner. He asked directions and followed my simple instructions, but other than that we didn't say much. After we had finished eating and washed our few dishes, we went into the living room where Edward arranged some pillows on the floor and pulled me down into his arms. "Bella, I know we said we would be fine, and I promise this is the last time I'll ask. Whatever your answer is this time, I'll accept it." He looked at me with anxious green eyes. "Are you sure about this? Are you sure that what you're feeling is about me, and not him?"

I took a moment to think about my response before I spoke, knowing he deserved honesty but also wanting to assure him of my commitment. "You ask me that as if it is a simple 'yes or no' question, but it's impossible for me to answer that way. What I felt for him _is_ what I feel for you, because you are the same person."

"How can you know?" he asked, tormented.

My mind raced, trying to think of anything I could say that would convince him. Then suddenly I found my answer, and I prayed it would be enough. "When I knew you, before…it was incomprehensible to me that you believed that you didn't have a soul. I didn't know how you could think that, because your soul was one of the purest things I'd ever seen. Sometimes when I looked at you, all I could see was the brilliant reflection of it." Placing my palm against his cheek, I continued, "When I look at you now? I see that same soul. Beauty…strength…compassion." I stared into his eyes and willed him to believe. "You _are_ the same man. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you for the rest of my life."

He searched my face, his eyes desperate as we hovered between what had been and what could be. The energy between us intertwined and rose to an almost unbearable pitch. Finally he found whatever it was that he needed to see, and he smiled. Taking both of my hands in his, he said, "Then marry me."

I stared at him, my heart filled with hope and fear. "Edward…"

"I know it can't happen right away," he said. "I won't be eighteen for a few more months. My parents might be willing to sign for me, but I'd rather wait until I can do it myself. I know we have a lot of things to work through, I know there are things that will have to happen first, but please – just as soon as you're ready – marry me?"

I pressed my fingers into the palms of his hands as I battled a longing so deep that it left scars on my heart. I laughed helplessly, achingly. "You really are _that boy_."

Seeing his confusion, I sighed and explained. "We were talking one day about my reluctance to marry so soon. I said that I had never planned to be _that girl_ – the one who married right out of high school. You listened, and when I was finished, you told me that you had always been _that boy_…that if you had met me when you were human, you would have done whatever it took to 'secure my hand' as soon as possible. So here you are, proposing after one month – _that boy_."

He considered this, then shrugged. "Guilty as charged. If I learned anything from Edmund's death, it's that you have to hold on to the things that matter. If you love someone you should be with them, because you never know how much time you have left."

I thought about how my life had changed over the past few months and nodded. "I've been learning that myself recently," I admitted.

His smile was tender. "Tell me about the way I proposed…back then, I mean."

I couldn't help chuckling. "Which time?"

His eyes widened. "You really were reluctant, weren't you? Hmm…" He thought for a moment. "Alright. Tell me about the day you accepted."

So I told him of beds and kisses and compromises. He growled when he heard about my wish to make love while still human. "Bella, I could have killed you!"

"You wouldn't have," I said firmly.

He scowled. "Did you see how strong they are? It was utterly irresponsible of me to agree."

I placed my finger against his lips. "Do you want to hear the rest of this story, or not?"

He sighed and gestured for me to continue. I told him about the ring, and my fear, and his joy. I looked into his eyes and recited the words that would forever be etched on my heart:

_I promise to love you forever – every single day of forever. Will you marry me?_

_Yes._

He looked at me, his eyes misty. Finally he quirked his lips and muttered, "Sneaky bastard stole all the best lines."

I laughed. "You _do_ realize you just called yourself illegitimate?"

He grinned. "Don't tell my mother."

I was still laughing as he pulled a blanket off the couch and wrapped it around us. Tucking me against his chest, he murmured, "Tell me another memory."

"Of what?" I asked

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Just tell me something else that you remember."

So I talked about the first time we had dinner in Port Angeles, telling him everything we had said and doing my best to describe the feelings I'd had that night. When I was done, he asked for another memory, and so I kept talking. Sad memories, funny ones – Emmett always seemed to make an appearance in those – memories so beautiful they made you smile even as your heart grieved for what was lost.

A couple of times he asked me why he had done something, but I didn't know. This is what I had cost him: his thoughts and internal motivation were gone, and all I could do was try to fill in the gaps.

When I finally finished talking, he tilted my face up to meet his so that he could look into my eyes. "I want you to tell them to me again tomorrow night," he said quietly. "Every story, every detail, every kiss…until they're my memories too. That way we'll have a history, and you won't ever have to hide the past for fear of upsetting me."

I didn't know if I would ever get over my grief at what I had done to him, and I continued to marvel at his acceptance. "I'm so sorry," I whispered.

"Don't be," he replied, his eyes serious. "Today I finally realized what you gave up to try and make me happy, and I'm astonished that anyone could love me that much. I'm quite sure I don't deserve it."

"You do," I protested. "You deserve _everything_."

He traced his finger down my cheek. "And you've given it to me. Think about it, Bella. I know you're grieving for what we lost, but we've also gained so much. We have a chance at a normal life now – family, marriage, children." He grinned wickedly, and I blushed. Leaning down to press a gentle kiss to my lips, he insisted, "We're meant to spend the rest of our lives together; you know that. Fate and time have consistently brought us together, and nothing either of us has tried to do has been able to change that. I was meant to be your husband, Bella. Please…marry me."

No more hesitation. No more doubt, or waiting, or fear. I had loved this man for as long as I had known him, and I was done denying him. Sliding my arms around his neck, I smiled. "Yes."

His eyes widened. "Really?"

I laughed. "Yes, really."

He stood and lifted me in his arms, twirling around as he threw his head back and shouted, "Yes!"

We made our way upstairs and got ready for bed, pausing every few moments to kiss and share happy grins. Once we were in bed, Edward turned to face me, holding my ring in his hands. "This is yours," he said soberly. Sliding it onto my finger, he said, "Don't take it off again."

I curled my fingers, enjoying the cold metal as it pressed into my skin. "Never," I promised.

His eyes were dark as he leaned over me; not a trace of the boy remained in the man who claimed my lips so passionately. Our kisses that night were longer, deeper – full of our newfound commitment. Hands stroked and voices sighed late into the night before we finally gave way to exhaustion.

~B~E~B~

The morning began as the evening had ended, with the sweet pressure of Edward's lips waking me from a pleasant dream. "Mmmm…now _that_ is the way to wake up."

"Every day for the rest of your life, love," he murmured. "I'm going to the store to get some things for breakfast. Do you want anything?"

I nodded. "Do you mind picking up some other groceries as well? There's a list in the kitchen."

"Okay. I'll be back in a little while." He pressed a gentle kiss into my hair before leaving.

Awake now, I rolled on to my back, raising my arms over my head in a warm stretch. For the first time in too long, it felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Edward and I still had a lot of things to work through, but we would face our problems together. Smiling, I dressed and made my way downstairs.

They were waiting for me in the living room. I hadn't heard them come in, but of course they had planned it that way. I stared with horror into the face of a monster I had never wanted to see again.

"Hello, Bella," Aro said.


	18. Act V, scene iii

_Did you ever think that maybe my number was up the first time, with the van, and that you've been interfering with fate?_

_Your number was up the first time I met you. You remember?_

I remembered, and as I stared at the man who had been the source of my worst nightmares, I realized that I'd never really had a chance of survival. Death had marked me that day two years ago, and it was tired of waiting. They'd done their best to protect me – Edward, the Cullens, Jacob and the pack – but all they'd really done was buy me time. Like a doctor fighting an incurable cancer…drugs and radiation and surgery and prayers thrown at the suffering patient in a desperate bid for life…Edward had fought to protect me with every weapon in his arsenal. He'd tried, and he'd lost. Would he have been more successful if I hadn't made certain decisions? Did I contribute to my own death, or was I merely walking the path that Fate had always decreed for me? The answer was immaterial; the result was the same.

Having accepted that I was going to die, my next responsibility became clear: _Protect_. Edward must be kept safe. I wasn't as worried about the Cullens or the wolves; they could take care of themselves. Charlie knew nothing about vampires and should probably be of no interest to the Volturi. But Edward was human and vulnerable and represented everything that Aro would want to exploit – if he didn't kill him first – and he would be back from the store very soon. I had to protect Edward, no matter what it cost me.

Somehow I found the strength to look Aro straight in his milky demon's eyes. My voice was low and calm as I asked, "Can we please not do this here? This is my father's house, and he'll be home soon from the hospital. He doesn't know about you."

Aro lifted a dark brow, the papery skin folding like thinnest parchment. "But you do? Renata said as much, of course, but it is still astonishing. You know who I am and more importantly, _what_ I am?"

"Yes." I met his gaze steadily. Edward would be home any minute. "I'll go with you and answer any questions you have, but please…for my father. His health isn't good enough to come home to this."

The white-haired man who stood against the wall made a dismissive noise, but Aro held up his hand. "Patience, Caius. The girl's concern for her father is admirable, and if he truly is unaware of us, then we mean him no harm. Besides, we can always return if it is deemed necessary." Tilting his head at me in a horrific parody of graciousness, he said, "Bella, it would be an honor if you would accompany us. Jane, Alec?"

Immediately the twins moved to stand behind me, making no effort to hide the fact that they were faster, stronger…_other_. I tried not to flinch as I felt a cold gust of air brush against my neck. Taking a deep breath, I held my head high and walked out of the house.

Two luxury SUVs was parked outside. I climbed into the first one, taking note as I did so of Aro's entourage. Besides Caius, Jane, and Alec, I recognized Marcus and Demetri and several members of the guard. There was also an anxious looking woman who sat beside Aro. I studied her face. Did I know her? Had I seen her before, in Italy? I couldn't be sure.

We pulled away from the house and headed through town. I was relieved to find that we were moving away from the Cullen house and, by association, Quileute land. I wanted to put as much distance as possible between the Volturi and my beloved family, and the last thing I needed was for the wolves to get wind of my visitors and try to stage some sort of rescue. That could only end badly. No one spoke to me as we drove, for which I was grateful. I would have liked to have filled those last moments with thoughts and images of Edward, but I ruthlessly pushed his handsome face from my mind. Everything inside me was screaming that I needed to protect him, which meant that I needed to prepare to tell the biggest lie of my life. I spent the journey thinking of every possible question that Aro might ask me and planning my responses. I had said I would answer his questions; I never said I would tell the truth.

We turned off the main highway and traveled down a path that was so overgrown it could hardly be called a road. Finally we stopped beside a small clearing, the guardsman who was driving giving Aro a questioning look.

The ruling vampire nodded. "This will suffice." He exited the vehicle with the grace of his species, but all I could see was the deadly precision of his movements, the strength and resolve against which I was powerless. I scrambled from the seat, almost falling in my haste to keep Jane from touching me. I walked across the field, clenching my fists and trying to control my racing heart. I was utterly alone, a human with deliciously scented blood amongst a group of ancient vampires with no regard for Carlisle's scruples. I wished they would finish me immediately, giving in to their thirst and allowing me to die with my secrets intact. Of course that would never happen. Aro would want to play first.

We stopped in the middle of the clearing. The Volturi arranged themselves in formation around their leader and seemed to turn to stone – patient, vigilant, vengeful. Nobody restrained me, but then again, there was no need. It made it worse, somehow, standing alone on my side of the clearing while the most powerful creatures in the universe presented a united front across from me.

"And so, dear Bella," Aro said smoothly, "A few days ago, I had no knowledge of your existence. Imagine my confusion when Renata asked if I had any news of you." He nodded at the woman who stood near him, the woman I had noticed in the SUV. "Upon questioning her, I was astounded to hear a tale worthy of Shakespeare himself: star-crossed lovers, passionate declarations, and violation of the most sacred of vampire laws. I knew nothing of which she spoke, and neither did my associates. It was fascinating, so much so that I had to leave Italy and travel to this most unlikely place in order to meet you." His gaze was unwavering. "I believe you have quite the story to tell us."

I knew that I would have to tell as much of the truth as possible in an attempt to make him believe the lie. "My name is Isabella Marie Swan. Two years ago, I moved to Forks to live with my father. That's when I met the Cullens." I tried to keep my voice steady as I told my story. I was finding it easier to tell now, having shared it with so many people over the past few days. I was able to streamline, running smoothly from the first day of school to the morning after the disastrous wish with very little extraneous detail. I kept as many things private as I could, trying not to provide Aro with additional weapons to use against me. I also didn't reveal my feelings for Edward any more than was strictly necessary.

When I finished, Aro looked at me in amazement. "This is astonishing! Of course, you must realize that I cannot accept such a tale on the strength of your word alone."

My heart sank in my chest as I realized what would happen next. Aro continued, "If you met with us in Volterra, then you must have seen evidence of my little talent at mind reading. Perhaps I could be granted access to your thoughts? Strictly in an attempt to verify your story, of course."

I nodded, knowing there was no alternative. I hadn't told him about my response to his "experiments" in Italy, hoping that I could somehow have an advantage because of my immunity to his power. Now I had no choice but to explain, hoping again that my honesty would place me in his good graces. "Please do try, because I'd like for you to see that I'm telling the truth. However, you weren't able to read my thoughts last time."

"Really?" he asked, nonplussed. "How extraordinary. I simply must attempt it. Come forward, child." I walked toward him, trying not to shudder as his hand reached eagerly for mine. I found myself holding my breath, hoping that the wish hadn't changed my mind somehow so that he could read it. It would be disastrous if he were to see my thoughts now.

I needn't have worried. His face ran through a gamut of expressions, each similar to the ones he had exhibited the first time we played this game. Some distant part of my mind wondered idly if he practiced his behavior, trying out various gestures and mannerisms for maximum effect. Maybe he'd just lived long enough that nothing was new for him anymore. "Fascinating," he murmured. "I believe this requires further study. Jane?" He was still holding my hand; he gave it a gentle pat before moving away. "This is nothing to worry about, dear. Jane has a talent I like to make use of on occasion. It won't be particularly comfortable for you, but it will be finished quickly."

I stared at him, but what I saw was Edward's body writhing in agony on a damp stone floor. I almost ended it then; I wanted so badly to charge at him, releasing all of my fury and sorrow. It would almost have been a relief, because surely they would have had no choice but to kill me immediately. I grit my teeth, refusing to give in to my temper. I had to do this the right way and allow Aro his fun, with the hope that it would be enough…that he would be satisfied and return home without seeking further answers. So I nodded again, tightly.

Aro studied my face. "Did her power work on you before?"

"No," I said quietly, and across the field Jane growled.

His eyes were bright with interest. "Well then, this should work out just fine for you. Jane, if you please?"

I faced her, watching as her smile faded into a grimace as she was denied what brought her such pleasure. She dearly loved torturing her victims, and I achieved some small amount of satisfaction in denying her. It wasn't enough to repay her for the agony she had caused Edward, but it was all I could do. I wished I had the strength to destroy her.

Aro was watching with admiration. "So intriguing," he said happily. "There are so many other things I wish I could try…" He sighed. "I suppose we should address the subject at hand. Tell me more about this Madame Fontaine."

I complied, giving him every bit of information I had. Even with the trouble she had caused me, I felt a bit guilty setting the Volturi on her trail like this. It couldn't be helped; I had to do whatever I could to keep the focus away from Edward.

As if my internal thoughts had prompted him, Aro finally asked the question that I'd been dreading. "So Edward is human, then?"

I met his gaze. "I assume so. I haven't seen him since I made the wish. He's gone, and no one remembers that he was ever here." It wasn't as hard as it usually was, lying. Not with Edward's life at stake.

Aro's eyes scanned my face. "Pity. He sounds like a formidable talent."

I held my breath, praying harder than I had in my entire life that this would work. If Aro chose to make inquiries, to try and find Edward, there was nothing I could do.

After an unbearable pause, he spoke again. "And now we come to you, my dear one. Carlisle has been to your house recently; I smelled him."

I nodded. "He came to speak with me about my father."

"Of course," he replied. "So generous, his service to others. Does he know about you?"

Another lie. "No," I said evenly.

"I see." He sighed. "I apologize for having to discuss this with you now, after you have already suffered so much, but it can't be helped. You understand that you are in violation of our most important rule?"

"Yes," I replied, my throat dry with fear.

An expression of false sincerity covered his face. "We don't uphold this law out of cruelty, you know. It's for the protection of your people as well as our own. You know what we are, and as such, you cannot remain human. You can join us, if you'd like. We would be happy to change you." Ignoring the growls behind him, Caius' and Jane's most notably, he continued, "Your talent would be a welcome addition to my guard."

I had expected this, and I had my answer prepared. Eternity alone would be pure torture, and I wouldn't dream of asking Edward to change in order to be with me, not after everything I'd sacrificed to help him regain his humanity. This was his worst nightmare, and I would do absolutely anything to keep him from it. "Thank you, but I'd rather not."

His lips tightened in frustration. "Even knowing that the alternative is death?"

I met his gaze. "You don't want me as a member of your guard, Aro." I wasn't brave enough to say more, but the unfinished sentence lie between us: _I would spend the rest of eternity making you regret the decision._

His face hardened. "Then I fear that we've reached the end of our time together. Caius?"

I flinched. I'd suspected he would choose the crueler brother, giving me to him as a kind of treat, but I'd hoped for Marcus. I wouldn't ask, however. I'd used my one favor to get us away from the house, and I wouldn't beg now. It didn't matter, anyway. I could endure anything, if it meant that Aro was happy and Edward was safe. I would die a thousand times over to protect him from harm.

I stared straight ahead, looking past Caius as he approached, and finally, _finally_ allowed myself to dwell on my feelings for Edward. I would carry our love with me into death.

White hair brushed against my cheek; a paper thin voice whispered that I smelled truly divine. "It will be a pleasure to drink what should have belonged to another man."

_My name is Isabella Marie Swan, but all I had ever wanted to be was Bella Cullen. Edward's mate._

His teeth sank into my skin, and I felt the pull as he began to drink. In another setting, with the right person, it might have almost been erotic. Here in this private tragedy as the field around us kept witness, it was an abomination. He took and rejoiced in something that rightfully belonged to someone else, something that I had longed to give to someone else. _Edward, I'm sorry…_

The last thing I saw was his beloved face.

~B~E~B~

~B~E~B~

**Act V, scene iii is the death scene in Romeo and Juliet.**

**All I ask is that you stay with me for just a little while longer.**


	19. Story of a Life

_Edward_

My name is Edward Masen, and I was born to love Isabella Swan. It sounds funny to say that when you consider that I only met her a couple of months ago, but it's the truth. My entire life – a life that I now know to be false – I felt incomplete, as if the most vital part of me was missing. Then this wonderful girl fainted in front of me, and as I held her in my arms, she awoke and looked up at me with the most incredible chocolate brown eyes I had ever seen. I was finally home, lost in those eyes, and I didn't want to be found.

The whole time we were together, I knew she was hiding something from me. I could see it on her face – evidence of a tragedy so great that she might never recover. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and take away her pain, even as I sometimes wondered if I was the source of it. I recognized her, you see. She was what I had been missing, and once she walked back into my life I heard music and dreamt of frightening creatures and events that made no sense in the daylight world. I didn't understand it right away, but somehow I knew that I was intimately involved with the grief that had shattered her heart.

She had been about to tell me the truth, that last night in her apartment; I could sense it. I had lost my temper, something I'm not proud of. With tears in her eyes, she had prepared to tell me what I demanded to know, but the phone interrupted us. Her father had been seriously injured in the line of duty, and as the girl of my dreams shattered in my arms, I stepped into the role of protector and made arrangements to take care of her and her family. We traveled to Forks, where I came face to face with my nightmares.

I overreacted about Dr. Cullen, again behaving in a way that would have shamed my parents if they could have seen me. My only excuse is that I could see the way Bella responded to him, and it caused my would-be lover's heart to ache with dread. Here was someone who was irrevocably associated with Bella's past, who had some bearing on the dreadful secret she carried. I could sense the truth of it, no matter what she said. So I acted in the worst possible of ways, making Bella cry and leaving her alone when she was at her most vulnerable. I drove to her father's house, inwardly seething as I thought about Carlisle Cullen. If he had harmed her, if he had touched even a single hair on her precious head, I was going to tear him apart. I didn't care if he was a physician and a respected member of the community; if he had hurt Bella, nothing would stop me from going after him. I had opened the velvet bag I found in Bella's purse, knowing that it would have the answers I sought.

And to my horror, I discovered that _I _was the monster who had destroyed Bella's life.

She came home, and in my fear I was cold and terrible to her. I was sickened to discover that I was this creature, this _thing_ that lurked in my subconscious. Pale and trembling, Bella tried to explain, but I almost couldn't hear her over the screaming in my head. I didn't _want_ to be a vampire. I didn't want to be the man who had broken Bella's heart and placed her in such life-threatening danger. I had plans for us – weddings and houses with white picket fences and babies with Bella's eyes and her beautiful smile. You might find it impossible to believe that a seventeen-year-old boy would hope for such things, but I haven't really been a boy since the day my brother died. I'm a man now, filled with adult longings and desires, and Bella is the beginning and the ending and the entire story of my life.

I listened as she told me the truth in the gray light of her childhood bedroom, shaking and sobbing as she poured out her grief. I loved her, even as I wondered if I should hate her for lying to me. I ached to hold and comfort her even as I thought of running away and leaving her to face the consequences of her deception. In the end, what I wanted most of all was for us to return to our normal, human life. I would have given everything I possessed in that moment if the nightmare could have been exactly that…just a bad dream.

The harsh light of morning woke us, and I faced my first day living with the knowledge that I had once been a cold-blooded killer. That was the unyielding truth of it: I was a murderer, and nothing Bella could say would change that basic fact. As I struggled with the realization that I would have to live with this for the rest of my life, we made plans to go see the Cullens. Bella's friends. I would not – ever – think of them as my family.

There were some good things that happened during the visit, but honestly, for the most part, it was horrible. No matter how charming the Cullens might act, nothing could change the fact that my instincts were screaming of something unnatural, something alien. Every moment reinforced for me the terrible truth of what I had been. I struggled through the day, trying to manage not only for Bella's sake but because I needed answers. The breaking point was my former bedroom. I had already accepted what Bella had told me, but all day I think I had subconsciously been looking for an out – something that would prove the nightmare false. If I could have found some kind of irrefutable proof that none of this was true, then we could have returned to our normal, happy, _human_ lives. Instead, I had stared at the room that had been mine, and hope had finally died.

Interestingly enough, the room looked remarkably similar to my room back in Phoenix. The music, the casual, scholarly feel of it – everything about it felt familiar to me. I think that was the moment when I finally acknowledged that Edward Cullen was real.

Then I saw the bed.

I broke. Shattered into a million anguished pieces. It was all true, every bit of it, and I was helpless to deny it. Even worse, Bella had loved _him_ first…had chosen him before I even existed. Shared God only knew what with him in this lover's bed. Even the bed itself broke my heart, because it was exactly like something I would have chosen. There was no escaping the fact that he was me, except that I didn't want to be him and I didn't want him to have been first.

So the visit didn't end well. Bella and I worked our way through some things later that night, though, and I decided to return. I knew she wanted to see the Cullens again, and I needed to try and make peace with my past. The second day was a little easier; it was almost impossible not to enjoy the wonder of vampire baseball. I had a few unguarded moments where I wondered what I would have looked like out on the field. What would it have been like, not having human limitations? Immediately I tried to push the thought away, but it wouldn't leave completely. Here then was one positive thing from my past – proof that it hadn't all been bad.

Then Rosalie – the coldest of the siblings, but also the one who somehow felt the most real – gave me my music. I struggled with dual feelings of resignation and inadequacy: the former because I recognized the music as my own, and the latter because I realized that I would never, as a human, be able to play it as it was written. However, I looked into Bella's shining eyes as I played, and I realized that it didn't matter. I could play well enough for her, and maybe…just maybe…I could make peace with the man I had been through the shared language of our music. I went to bed that night filled with cautious hope. Bella and I had made our declarations to each other, and I knew we were in this together, for the rest of our lives. Before I fell asleep, I promised myself that I would make her happy…that I would never give her cause to regret choosing me. I wrapped my arms around her and allowed myself to believe that everything was going to be okay.

I thought of all these things as I returned from the store on my first morning as an engaged man, and then I locked those memories away. I had purchased items to make Bella a delicious breakfast in bed, and I intended to pamper her thoroughly. So when I walked into the house and found Alice Cullen waiting for me, I was not pleased. I wanted just this one, blissful morning to focus on the future with the woman I loved.

The look on Alice's face, however, told me that the past wasn't finished with us.

"Bella's gone," she said, agonized. "I saw them come and take her, and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it. Oh, Edward." She buried her face in her hands.

My first instinct was anger, because fear hurt too much. Of course Bella wasn't gone, or if she was, then of course I would find a way to get her back. Anything else was unacceptable. "Who?" I demanded harshly. "What are you talking about, Alice?"

"The Volturi," she replied. Her terrified eyes met mine. "Bella told you about them?"

I nodded shakily. "Why would they come for her? If they didn't even remember–"

Alice shook her head. "They do remember. I don't know how, but I saw it. They came looking for her, because she knew about us."

Fear won the battle with anger. "And the rules say that if she knows…"

"She either has to become a vampire or die," Alice finished on a whisper. "Edward, I'm so sorry."

"No," I said roughly. "There has to be something we can do. Why are you just sitting there? Where's the rest of the family?"

She sighed. "Carlisle's in surgery, and Jasper and Emmett went hunting. Esme was upset after you left last night, so she and Rose planned a shopping trip. They're on a plane to New York right now. I stayed home because I wanted to spend some more time trying to see your future. It worried me that I couldn't see what would happen, but I never thought…" She twisted her hands in her lap. "Even if they were here, though, it wouldn't matter."

I stared at her. "What do you mean?"

"We can't fight them, Edward; they're too powerful. Maybe if we'd had time to plan, if I'd seen it coming…" Her lips trembled; she looked ashamed. Finally she squared her shoulders and looked directly at me. "Even then, we couldn't have fought them on this. This is the most important of our laws, and we have to abide by it. If they didn't know about Bella, but since they do…"

"Change or die," I said tightly.

She nodded miserably. "I've looked at it every way I know how; I've made hundreds of decisions in the past twenty minutes…nothing works."

I stared down at the floor, thinking furiously. My mind heard what Alice was saying, but I refused to accept it. The idea of Bella dying was so painful that I couldn't even think about it. If she became a vampire…could we make that work? "She'll get to choose, right? Don't they give you a choice?"

"Not always." Alice couldn't quite meet my eyes. "Bella will be offered the choice."

My heart skipped a beat. "And?" When Alice still wouldn't look at me, I commanded, "Look at me, Alice. _What does she do?_"

She lifted her head, and I read the terrible truth in her eyes.

"No," I whispered hoarsely. Suddenly I had no strength in my legs; placing my shaking hand on the edge of the sofa, I sat down. In some horrible way, I understood it. Bella wouldn't want forever, not without me, and she would never ask me to make this choice. Somehow death became the better of the two options for her. _Oh Bella, how could you ever think I would want this…_

I glared at Alice. "Take me to her."

"I knew you were going to ask me that," she said tiredly.

"Then you should know that I'm going to win this argument," I replied firmly.

"It won't do any good," she pleaded. "You won't be able to stop them." She held up her hand to stop my protest. "Bella probably wouldn't want me to tell you this, but I think you should know. When I saw them come for her this morning…she was the one who suggested they leave and go somewhere else. She's trying to protect you. As her former best friend, I think I owe it to her to keep you safe."

"I don't _want_ to be safe!" I roared. "She's out there all by herself, terrified, and I can't just sit here and do nothing. Even if I can't change anything, I don't want…" My voice trailed off; my spirit was broken. "I don't want her to be alone."

"I know," she said quietly. "That's why I'd already decided to take you with me. But," she said harshly as she saw my look of hope, "you have to understand that nothing has changed. We can't save her, and I won't let you throw away your life trying. I also won't let them capture you and use you as a weapon against her. I've seen that I can protect you, but you must promise to be absolutely quiet and do everything that I tell you to do. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said, nodding eagerly. There might still be a chance; Bella said that Alice's visions weren't perfect.

"Promise me, Edward," she said sternly. "Because if you try anything, I'll stop you myself. I won't let Bella's last…" Her voice faltered, and she drew a shaky breath. "I won't let her think she failed at the end."

I couldn't speak for a moment as her eyes held mine. She really meant it; she would stop me from trying to help Bella. I looked at her grieving face, and I realized that she was telling me the truth – there was nothing we could do. Could I handle this? Could I watch the woman I loved die and do nothing to save her? My jaw clenched. I didn't know for sure what I would do when we got there, but if nothing else, I refused to let Bella go through this alone. "I promise."

The short drive to find Bella felt like it took hours, and I stared in disbelief as Alice told me what she had planned. Staring through the car window at the trees around us, I said, "You can't be serious."

"It's the only way it will work," she replied firmly. "I looked at every possible option, but this is the only way I can get you close enough to see without them hearing. Even that might not have worked, but they'll be so focused on Bella that they won't be using their senses to full range."

I glared at her. "But I won't be able to hear or see anything! And Bella won't know that I'm here."

She held up a pair of binoculars. "These will help, and I can tell you what they're saying as long as I whisper. As for Bella knowing…I think the last thing she would want to know is that you were here for this." Her brow wrinkled. "Edward, are you sure? I wasn't kidding when I said that there's nothing we can do, and you shouldn't have to see this. I know Bella wouldn't want you to."

"I'm sure," I said roughly. "If you don't want to help me, I'll do it myself."

I tried to get out of the car, but she moved too fast for me. Her delicate hand wrapped around my arm, strong as steel, and the message was humiliatingly clear. I wasn't going anywhere unless she let me. Closing my eyes, I nodded tightly.

She was out of the car and coming around to my side before I could even open my eyes; I hadn't heard her make a sound. I climbed onto her back and held on tight as she started climbing the tree nearest the car. Once we were far enough above the ground, she made her way across by leaping from tree to tree. At that point, I decided it would be better to just keep my eyes closed. No matter how focused the Volturi were on vengeance, they might notice if vomit started falling from the sky.

Finally Alice murmured, "We're here," and I opened my eyes to peer down an impossible distance to a postage-stamp of a clearing below us. Peering through the binoculars, I saw Bella standing in front of several figures dressed in black. They were horrifying, these creatures – full of man's quest for violence but gifted with vampire strength to carry it out. I felt my heart stop in my chest; if Alice hadn't wrapped her arm around my waist, I would have fallen.

I knew then that Bella was going to die while I watched helplessly. Everything faded away – anger, denial, hope – all that remained was a devastating sorrow.

Alice was whispering to me, telling me what was being said, but I barely heard her. My heart clenched as I heard Bella lie to protect me. I felt insanely proud of her when she refused Aro's offer to join him, even as I knew she had signed her own death warrant.

Then it was time, and Alice stiffened at my side, her lips clenched tightly and her eyes bleak with despair. The white-haired monster approached my Bella, and I watched as he bent low over the delicate beauty of her neck. I would have given us away then – I could no longer control it – but Alice was true to her word. She held me in an unyielding embrace, hands clamped over my mouth and pressing down against my chest so that I couldn't draw in a breath to scream. I could only watch, hot tears pouring down my cheeks, as my love was murdered.

I left my mind for awhile. Eventually I realized that Alice was carrying me away, flying through the trees, her eyes black as midnight. "Alice, where are we going? We have to go back!"

She just shook her head and kept going.

"Alice!" I started struggling against her, using all of my strength against her in a useless bid for freedom. "They have Bella's…" I stumbled over the word. "We can't just leave her there. _Please!_"

"We can't get her, Edward," she said miserably. "They'll…do things, to make sure that her death doesn't look like what it is." Her eyes hardened. "I won't let you watch that."

"I don't care!" I protested, beyond grief, but Alice just tightened her grip on me and kept moving. Somehow the truth of her words reached me then: Bella was really gone, and I wouldn't even be allowed to hold her body and grieve. I stopped fighting.

Finally we reached our destination, a small hunter's cabin in the woods. Alice forced the door open with a gentle push of her hand and didn't let go of me until she had hauled me into the room and placed me on the small bed in the corner. "We can't go back to the car," she said, speaking so quickly that I almost couldn't understand her.

"Why not?" I asked dully. My response was instinctual; I didn't really care about her answer.

"Because I finally saw the rest of the future, while we were watching…" Clenching her fists, she said, "It didn't work. I never really thought it would, but I couldn't be sure because I couldn't see. They're going to visit Carlisle; Aro will read his mind." She looked at me, her eyes stricken. "They're going to find you, Edward. I'm so sorry…"

She continued talking, but I didn't hear the rest. Honestly, as soon as I'd realized what she was upset about, I lost all interest. It didn't matter if they killed me; in fact, I would welcome it. I couldn't face living without her.

Bella's voice echoed in my mind: _it almost destroyed me when he was gone_.

Finally, _finally_ I understood what she had been trying to tell me that night we had argued about Shakespeare. It was impossible to judge Romeo now, as I sat with an empty void where my heart used to be. I wanted nothing more than to follow my beloved into death.

"Edward?" Alice said sharply as she tried to get my attention. "Edward, listen to me; this is important. I have to leave for a few minutes. My cell phone doesn't work up here, and I need to call Jasper. I've looked ahead, and you should be safe. Nothing happens while I'm gone."

I nodded slowly, not really caring what she did. "That's fine," I said quietly. It felt like I hadn't spoken in a thousand years. "I'll just…wait here."

She touched her hand to mine. "I'm not giving up, Edward. I couldn't save Bella, but I'll do everything I can do to protect you."

The silence pressed in around me after she left, but I wasn't afraid of it. I knew this silence; it had been there after Edmund died, too. Nobody ever tells you that death is quiet. There's the buildup to the event of course, with everyone frantically rushing around, calling loved ones and making deals with God. You say all the things you want to say, or you spend time worrying because you didn't get to say what needed to be said, and you make a thousand useless arrangements. It all seems very busy, at first. Eventually it's over, and you're left with nothing but silence. I closed my eyes and let it wash over me.

"It's time to make a choice, Edward."

The voice was low and even, and I think I knew who she was even before I saw her. Then I opened my eyes, and I was sure. Fontaine stood before me, looking exactly as Bella had described her with short black hair and blue eyes that saw too much.

I was standing and had her pinned against the wall before I even had time to think. "_You_," I whispered furiously. "You caused all of this. Bella _died_ because of you!"

Her face showed no evidence of fear or anger; she merely looked back at me with careful sympathy as she said, "What else did Bella tell you the night you discussed Romeo? 'He had his reasons.' Well, I have my reasons. I can explain some of it to you, but you'll have to be willing to listen."

"Why should I listen to you?" I growled. In that moment, I wished I were still a vampire. It would be so much easier to kill…

"Because I'm the one who can change things," she said quietly. "I never wanted to hurt you, although I realized that was inevitable. I'll do what I can to fix it, but it would be a lot easier if you'd let go of me."

I realized my hand was still at her neck. If I gave just the slightest push…clenching my jaw, I stepped back. With a sigh, I ran my hand through my hair. "How are you even here? Alice didn't see anything."

"Alice saw what I wanted her to see. I needed her to go away for awhile so we could talk." For a moment her eyes scanned my face, almost hungrily. Then she gave the slightest shake of her head, like she was ending an argument with herself. "We need to discuss your options; you have two. I can fix it so that the Cullens and the Volturi don't know about you – _none_ of them will remember."

I laughed harshly. "Yeah, because you did such a great job of that the first time."

Exasperation flashed across her face. "Everything happened the first time exactly as it was supposed to."

I stared at her. "_You_ made Bella remember? It wasn't because of her mind?"

She shrugged. "The way her mind works was an extra challenge, but I could have taken her memories if necessary. That wasn't part of the plan." Before I could tell her what I thought of her plan, she continued sharply, "Focus on the choice, Edward. Understand that if you make this decision, you won't remember anything either. You'll be back in Phoenix, living the normal life that Bella tried to give you."

Her words stole the breath from my lungs, ending any thought I'd had of arguing with her. She would take away my memories of Bella? I would go back to the way things were before, oblivious to the fact that I had met and lost the great love of my life. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore, because I wouldn't know that she had died. But I also wouldn't know that she'd lived…

Shaking my head, I asked, "What's my other option?"

She told me, her eyes filled with a terrible sympathy.

The answer horrified me. My whole body trembled as I considered it; the idea frightened me so much that I almost retched. How could she ask this of me? "Why?" I choked out. "Why would you do this to us, why would you have put us through all of this, if you knew what the result was going to be? What was the _point_?"

Her voice was quiet but firm. "Bella had to know that she could make a decision without you and be able to face the consequences. And you needed to learn that there is nothing in the world worse than not having Bella at your side."

"I already knew that!" I protested.

"No. You thought you knew it, you gave voice to it often, but what you really believed is that you and Bella were destined for failure." She looked at me with an expression I'd often seen on my mother's face, the look that told me that I could fool everyone in the world except for her. "You kept trying to arrange things to fit your own version of the future, rather than accepting what you'd been given. You wanted to be human, you wanted Bella to be human, you thought Bella would be better off without you…it's amazing, really, how hard you tried to sabotage your own happiness. And if things had continued without Bella making her wish, you would have faced a challenge that neither of you would have survived intact."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"There was something coming," she said gently. "You were about to face something wonderful but incredibly frightening, and you were going to try to handle it the wrong way. It would have torn you apart."

Frustrated, I shook my head. "I don't understand."

She looked at me for a long moment before finally speaking softly. "There was going to be a child." Ignoring my shocked gasp, she continued, "You didn't know – didn't think there was any reason for a vampire and a human to need birth control. Bella became pregnant on your honeymoon."

Horror raced through me. "But she couldn't! It would have killed her! There had to be some way to…it had to be stopped."

Her eyes met mine with sorrowful wisdom. "That's what you thought, yes." She sighed. "Neither of you knew how to handle it; you were both too afraid of losing each other."

Something about her expression made my chest tighten with fear. "And?"

"It didn't end well. The damage was…catastrophic." The thin press of her lips told me that she wouldn't say any more.

I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the details, anyway. A look at the bleak horror on her face made nausea churn in my stomach. I swallowed hard and whispered, "And now?"

She smiled gently, and her voice was kind. "As I said, the whole point of the wish was to buy time…to give you both a chance to grow. Now you would still handle it badly, but it would work out. Eventually you would remember to listen with your whole heart, to let Bella be the wife and equal partner she wants to be, and you would survive, together." Her eyes were bright with what looked like unshed tears. "You'd walk through hell first, but in the end you would be happy, Edward. I promise."

I wanted to believe her, but… "How? If we don't remember what we've learned, then how can it have any bearing on our happiness?"

"You'll remember. Not consciously or even in dreams, like you did this time, but it will be there just the same." Her lips curved in a grin that seemed oddly familiar. "I really can control memories, you know."

I looked at her for a long moment before speaking. "And my family? Did you create them to suit your purpose?" I couldn't bear to think that the brother for whom I had grieved so deeply didn't exist.

"John and Susan Masen are the descendents of your father's brother – your uncle. They have a daughter named Elizabeth. Their son, Edmund, died just as you remember it." She paused. "They never had a younger son."

My jaw clenched. "I won't remember them."

"No, nor they you." Her tone was final.

I nodded, thinking for a long moment before I met her gaze. "So…is it time for me to choose?"

Something dark flashed across her face as she replied, "Before you can decide, I have to show you something."

"What?" I asked warily. _What_ _more? God, what else could I possibly be asked to endure?_

"This." Approaching me cautiously, she held out her hand and placed it against my temple. "I'm sorry."

_Dark. The alley was dark with the filth and disease of forgotten humanity. Anger coursed through veins where blood used to flow as I heard the vile thoughts of the human before me. I knew what he was, and I would feed from him as I rid the world of his evil. He didn't see me approach, even though I used less caution than I might have. He was too busy planning the rape and murder of a girl who worked at the café on the corner. She passed this way as she walked home each night._

_I let him see me for just a moment before I attacked, so that I could watch his eyes widen in fear. His blood was thick, tainted with an iniquity that no prayer, no penitence could ever fully cleanse. I drank it in, taking the evil inside of my own immoral vessel where it couldn't hurt anyone else. As I feasted, I gave myself over to the inhuman glory of my vampire nature. Reveling in the blood that poured down my throat, I told myself that I had saved an innocent life tonight. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that I was better than the monster I had just killed. Surely it was better not to have a soul at all than to have one so hideously twisted and corrupt…_

_The memory shifted, and my chest burned with agony as I saw Bella's lovely face before me. We were in the meadow, enjoying an ordinary spring day as young lovers. I stared at her, eagerly basking in the beauty that I had too recently seen turn pale under death's hand. I wanted to live in this memory, stay in this one moment for the rest of my life. Then I noticed her scent, and I realized that not all of the burning in my chest was because of what I had lost. It was my vampire self that burned – throat, lungs, instinct – that ached to rip the tender flesh of the girl who rested so trustingly in my arms. Even as we kissed, I struggled with the part of myself who always, always thought of killing…_

I pulled myself from the memory with a horrified groan. Falling to the floor, I trembled under the sickening weight of what I had just witnessed. This was what I had been. As bad as I had thought that it might be, it was a million times worse. My hands were stretched out before me, clawing at the splintered wooden floor. I stared at them, tracing muscle and sinew and veins as I wondered how much blood had been spilt by these hands. I realized I was sobbing, saying the same words over and over again. "Why? Why would you show me that? Why would you be so deliberately cruel? _Why?_"

"Because you needed to see it." She did not kneel beside me, and her voice never wavered. "You can't make the choice unless you remember what you were. It has to be a conscious decision; otherwise it doesn't mean anything."

I bowed my head, acknowledging the truth of her words. Standing, I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand as images flashed through my mind...a slideshow of what my life might be like if I returned to Phoenix. I could see myself standing with my sister on her wedding day, laughing as Mark aimed the garter directly at me. I saw my parents beaming with pride at my graduation, tears rolling down my mother's cheeks as she thought about how far I'd come. Farther into the future I wandered, sifting through possibilities of houses and children and the hazy possibility of finding someone to love. Could I do it? Would I be able to love again, if I didn't know that Bella had existed? It felt like a betrayal.

The alternative, though, was so horrifying it could hardly be considered.

Blue eyes pierced through me. "Have you made your choice?"

I had to ask, one more time. Just in case. "We can't…there's no way that we can be together as humans?" I longed for it. With every fiber of my being, I ached for it.

She shook her head. "No. I'm sorry. I wish you could – please believe me – but that was never a possibility for you."

I nodded; it was what I had expected. Taking a deep breath, I said the words that would shape the man I would become.

She smiled at me; her eyes seemed almost proud. "It's done." She took my hands in hers as the light shifted and the wind roared around us. I found myself holding on with all my strength as every moment of my life was measured, judged, and rewritten.

As my world went black, I prayed with all my heart that I had made the right choice.

~B~E~B~E~B~

The young man and woman who strolled through the dusty rows of booths looked like so many other couples who had been drawn to the romance of a small town carnival, but the differences could be seen if you paid attention. The boy was startlingly handsome and was quite distinctively something other than human; even those who didn't realize what he was unconsciously knew to give him a wide berth. The girl seemed ordinary enough, but the glow on her face made her radiant, gracing her with a bit of the boy's otherworldly beauty. There was a feel of transition about her, as if she were about to make a very significant change. The couple was fascinating, but exclusive; there was no room for anyone else in the private intimacy of their world. They were legend, even as they were also just a boy and a girl enjoying a simple date on a summer evening.

The girl's arms were wrapped around a giant stuffed lion, and the boy smiled down at her. "Are you sure you don't want me to carry it?"

She shook her head, absurdly pleased with her prize. "No, thank you. This," she buried her face in the lion's fur, "is this softest, cuddliest, _sweetest_ gift I've ever been given." She pulled back to rub the lion's nose with her own.

The boy mumbled something, and the girl looked up at him. "I'm sorry; did you say something?"

He growled. "I can't believe I'm jealous of a stuffed animal."

Her delighted laughter pealed into the night. When she finally regained control of herself, she gasped, "So what's next?"

"I thought we could try the carousel…"

The boy's voice faded into the background as a sign over one of the tents caught the girl's attention. It was a perfectly ordinary sign to find at a roadside carnival: pink with silver stars and a promise of secrets told. The girl stared at it for a long moment, trying to understand why the sign didn't make sense. It was the wrong sign, wasn't it? Wasn't there supposed to be something else there?

The boy, having noticed her preoccupation, called her name a few times to get her attention. His eyes were focused on her face; he was searching her anxiously for any sign of distress or injury.

The girl shook her head. "Nothing. It's…nothing."

The boy noticed the sign and smirked. "Lady Beatrice tells your future?" His voice was filled with amused derision as he read. "You might not have noticed, but we have a perfectly good fortune teller at home."

She smiled. "You're right; I don't know what I was thinking." Slipping her arm in his, she said, "You promised me adventures, you know. I wonder if they'll let us take Eddie on the carousel."

"You are _not_ naming him Eddie," he growled, and he reached over to tickle her.

She laughed joyously, taking a few steps away from him even though it was obvious that she wanted to be caught. When the boy obliged and wrapped her in his arms, something in her expression caught his eye.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I don't know," she answered. Her eyes met his, searching. "All of the sudden, I just feel so…_right_." A brilliant smile spread across her face. "I'm so happy."

He smiled, the glorious smile of a redeemed man, and he whispered, "I'm happy, too." Then he kissed her, fast and deep and thoroughly enough to leave her breathless, before he picked her up and twirled her around as her laughter climbed into the night. When he finally set her back down, he took her hand with a mischievous grin. Together they walked down the lane and lost themselves in the eager crowd.

If they had looked behind them, they would have seen a woman standing outside the tent that had caught the girl's attention. The girl wouldn't have recognized her, because she no longer looked like she did when they had met. The boy, however…the boy would have known her, from a memory of long ago. The woman loved them both – the girl because she loved the boy enough to save him, and the boy simply because of who he was. Her eyes filled with tears as she watched them walk away, and she whispered, "Be happy."

Then her image faded, shimmering like the finest mist until nothing remained but a lingering cool brush of air where a spirit had once been. And the night went on, and the boy and girl fell even deeper in love, and all was as it should be.

_~THE END~_

**Author's note:** Whew. I'm having a hard time believing it's over. I want to thank everyone who read, replied, emailed, or simply just hung in until the end, and I'm truly sorry it took so long to finish. I know some of you will be disappointed that the story ended the way that it did; believe it or not, I'm a little sad too! I began to care very much for human Edward, and I loved human Bella and Edward together so much more than I expected. However, I've known from day one how the story would end, and the story itself refused to let me deviate from that. To me, this journey was based on the idea that you can't always change what the future has in store for you, but you can decide how you will choose to respond to it.

Again, thank you all so much for making the journey with me.

This story was written for Carolyn. I could not change the amount of time we had together; I could not alter the course of the disease that stole your life. However, I could and did love you every moment of the time we shared, and I miss you still. It is an honor and a privilege to be your daughter. Thank you.


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